Bush Reveals New
Shadow Government
Emergency “super friends” to take power if administration lost 
BY LIL DUNCAN Washington, DC

AP/MAGAZINES In the event of loss of your government, these six are now in charge: George Bush (Top-Left); Billie Jean King (Top-Right); Johnny Carson (Middle-Left); Hank Williams Jr. (Middle-Right); The Hulk (Bottom-Left); Abe Lincoln (Bottom-Right)

Following on the heels of Friday’s revelation of the Bush plan for a “shadow government” to maintain continuity of power should the administration be incapacitated, the president revealed his six choices for the positions in the shadow government.

“It is important that individuals the nation trusts be available to lead us in the event we in the present administration are somehow incapacitated,” said Bush, addressing reporters from an underground bunker somewhere he would not disclose. “I have chosen six individuals that I think will gladly answer the call to lead their country in that horrible, horrible occurrence.”

Bush’s choices ranged from the unexpected to the ridiculous, according the critics. Should the unthinkable happen and the entire executive branch of government be disabled for any reason, and presumably should Congress lose their acting capacity as well, Bush has handpicked a six-person group to share leadership duties of the country in retaliation and recovery.

The six-person team would consist of George Herbert Walker Bush, the president’s father and 41st president of the United States; country recording superstar Hank Williams Jr.; former talk show host and television personality Johnny Carson; tennis great Billie Jean King; fictional comic book character The Hulk; and deceased 16th president Abraham Lincoln.

Many questions remain in the wake of the president’s announcement. Among them: Is the shadow government constitutionally allowed? Can the president make arrangements without approval of Congress for such a plan? What is a comic book character doing among the selected appointees? Isn’t Lincoln dead? Why Billie Jean King?

“I have not the time nor the resources to answer all these questions,” snapped Bush, slapping a reporter from The Washington Post squarely across the face. “I’m the president and I know what’s best for everyone. You hear? Everyone!”

According to insiders, Bush presented the list to administration officials on a scribbled piece of notebook paper with several other possible appointees crossed out, like Hugh Hefner and Rupert Murdock. Bush reportedly believes Abraham Lincoln is available for resuscitation at any time and the technology for that is quickly being developed. He also said The Hulk is real and he knows because he used to have a TV show. Administration officials also suspect Billie Jean King was chosen to balance out the male-heavy council, and she was the first woman the president could think of.

“I am happy with the president’s choices,” said Vice-President Dick Cheney. “I believe the possibility of our administration collapsing overnight, along with Congress and any other potential leaders, is a very real possibility and our president is safeguarding us against that. President Bush is wise and learned and not at all losing his mind.”

Cheney made some strange gestures, circling his temple with a finger, and winking at reporters, before the president turned his head, when Cheney suddenly stopped.

the commune news fishes using only real Vargas fishing lures. Vargas—catch a damn fish for once. Lil Duncan is the senior commune correspondent and likes it like that, yeah, baby, just like that.