July, 2001
What's the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it's Oscar time! It's that magical time of year when the Academy tells us what's the best of the best, and we cry "Bullshit! What about Blue Streak?". I'm here, as always, to help you sift through the nominees to find the golden nougat hidden within. And just in case you're worried that your Uncle Roland might be a little off his John Rocker, I'm well aware that the actual Oscar ceremony took place a few months ago. I've been pretty busy running a rotisserie bocciball league this spring and just haven't had much time. But never fear, though I taped the show I haven't got around to watching it yet, so rest assured that these picks and pans are fresh as a newborn can of Bud Light.

As always, some of the best films to come out in the last year weren't even nominated, providing ample proof of the academy's blind-spot for instant classics like "O Brother, Where's My Car?" and "The Big Kahuna's House". But, we've got to make the best of what we're given here. On to the nominees:

Best Picture

Chocotaco
These things are awesome. I didn't even know they were based on a movie.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
The Sports Star/Asskicker buddy picture concept that didn't work for Dennis Rodman and Jacques Costeau in "Double Team" somehow comes up big for man-boy golf sensation Tiger Woods and spasmatic Chinaman Jackie Chan in this butt-rocking gem. It's Chan's talent that carries the film, however, as the screenwriters have to keep inventing ways to showcase Woods' abilities in the context of fight sequences. Some are more plausible than others. There are a lot of shots of Chan chasing an entertainment lawyer down an alleyway so Woods can hit him with a golf ball or Chan wrestling a ninja-thug onto the beach so Woods can utilize his sand wedge. Despite these rough edges, this is a stellar film that will make you want to either practice your putting or learn to kick ass with a flag pin.

Erin Brockovich
Erin won some serious kudos this year for her role as a chick playing a movie star playing a book store owner playing a wedding planner playing footsie with Hugh Grant. As far as I'm concerned, she deserves the "Best Actress" plaque just for keeping all that straight. Not to be confused with 70's folksinger Edwin Broncobitch.

Gladiator
Proving that they know their classic Beatles movies like "A Hard Day's Night", "SHIT!" and "Goldfinger", the Black Crowes embark on this cinematic romp through the Roman Empire that can't help but entertain. Rome will never be the same after the Crows are done trying to save Ringo from the rehab clinic, becoming bumbling slaves and slapstick coliseum stars along the way.

Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Arnie's back and this time he's got "Oscar" written all over his meaty ass. Guys loved it because shit got killed, girls loved it because in the jacuzzi scene, you can almost see his Schwartzenegger. That's what I hear anyway. I wasn't looking.

Traffic
Like the saying goes: when it rains classic-rock band-movies, it pours. Steve Winwood and crew reunite and prove they're "Feelin' Alright" in this adaptation of the Toni Morrison novel "Black Rain". Much running around and silly hats ensues.

Best Director

Stephen Soderbergh, Traffic
Coming a long way from his immature early period (E.T., Glenn Close Encounters Her Third Kid, Stark Raving Sharks), Soderbergh finally hits his stride and rolls with it in this fable about higher love and those magical things that the night can do.

Stephen Soderbergh, Erin Brockovich
Proving that he can not only direct a great film, but also sneak into the theater twice wearing a phoney mustache, Soderbergh pulls a fast one on the academy with his second nominated film of the year. Here Soderbergh finally realizes the unfulfilled promise of his earlier films, such as "Gremlins", "Hookin'" and "Polacks in Space".

Ripley Scott, Gladiator
As host of one of the most outrageous game shows of the 70's, "Ripley's Believe it or Scott!", Scott Ripley saw more larval aliens burst out of contestant's chests than many people have seen non alien-bursting chests to begin with. This experience helped Ripley bring an unflinching realism to this sometimes-troubling tale of a rock band running around ancient Rome to xylophone music.

Ang Lee, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Another hilarious joke-name nomination this year, I can just hear those Academy numbskulls yukking it up over Evian martinis and cracking wise: "I'm velly Ang Lee I didn't win! Velly Ang Lee!". Those guys are cards.

Stephen Daldry, Billy Elliot
If there are two things I love, they're two-man directing teams and the Who. 'Nuff said.

Best Actor

Russell Crowe, Gladiator
One of the classiest cameos of the year had this dude from that Led Zeppelin movie play onstage with the old guy from the Black Crowes, who incidentally is married to Frances McDormand.

Javier Bardem, Before Night Falls
No no no, I ordered the tacquitos, senior.

Tom Hanks, Castaway
Proving that being typecast isn't always a bad thing, last year's turn in Saving Pirate Ryan prepared Hanks perfectly for this salty salute to shanghai-ed summer lovin'. I once declared that I'd never let a movie about gay pirate sex make me cry again, but Castaway done made a liar out of your old friend Roland McShyster.

Ed Harris, Pollack
Another academy gag name, everybody knows Ed's German. Second only to his gag co-star, Martian Gay Hard-on.

Geoffrey Rush, Quills
Who?

Best Actress

Joan Allen, The Contender
I love when she does that grunting thing. Chicks and their power tools, I tell ya.

Juliette Binoche, Chocotaco
Weight watchers, Juliette Binoche. Now that everyone's met, we're going to be spending some time together. Ha ha! This is fun!

Ellen Burstyn, Requiem for a Dreamcast
So believable as one of those moms who hates video games that I got half way to the park before I realized I don't like being outside.

Laura Croft, You Can Count on Me
She can kick ass, do back flips, and raise a kid without a father around. I'd be all over her like OJ on a white chick if it weren't for the fact that I need a stepkid like Dick Cheney and his pig-heart need a bacon-grease sandwich. That, and she's a video game character. I learned my lesson with Ms Pacman on that one.

Jason Robards, Erin Brockovich
Pretty funny guys, Jason may have tits and he plays a great lawyer, but I'd have to do some pretty intense penitentiary time before I nominated him for Best Actress.

Well folks, I'm Roland McShyster, you're America, and that was the Oscars Roundup! I hope it was one of the defining experiences of our generation.