God Drops Ball on Giants
Almighty's boner ends Giants' playoff hopes. 
BY WALLACE E WATERMELON San Francisco, CA

NOONAN PRICELY/AP Barry Bonds monopolizing God's time lately.

The Supreme Being, variously known throughout the world as God, Jehovah, Allah and other aliases, admits to fumbling the San Francisco Giants’ chances for post-season play in the recent Friday night game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was a mistake that was more costly than -- and almost as memorable as -- the time Jose Canseco had a fly ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run. Score that E-Almighty One.

“Yeah, I guess I kind of fucked up on that one,” Mr. Being said with a sheepish, omniscient grin. “What happened was, I got so excited by seeing Barry Bonds break McGwire’s home run record that I like totally forgot that they needed to win that night to stay in the pennant race. The plan had been for them to win all three games against the Dodgers, while I was going to have Arizona lose a couple to the Milwaukee Brewers, then I would favor the Giants in the one-game playoff against Arizona, but I guess that’s all just academic now.”

God admitted that He was a bit sidetracked by Bonds’ repeated entreaties for help in breaking the home run mark, and his pointing to the sky and thanking Him every time he crossed home plate.

“We got caught up in a couple of those ‘You da man,’ ‘No, YOU da man!’ exchanges, and I just lost track of the larger scheme of things. Plus, I was still pretty pissed at the failure of the Houston Astros to pitch to him until the very last at-bat of that series down at Enron Field, and I’ve been busy devising ways for them to suffer next season. How does a plague of locusts in the infield and a couple of nine-game losing streaks for that bunch of Nancy-boys sound?”

When it was pointed out that Houston made the playoffs this year by virtue of the Giants having lost, He replied, with a hint of irritation, “Look, just because I’m omniscient doesn’t mean I can be everywhere at once, all right?”

Another factor, God said, was the length of the game. He also suggested that alcohol may have played a part in his team-deflating error.

“Man, that game went hella long,” He said, while shaking his eternally unfathomable head. “Excuse me, I should’ve said ‘hecka long,’ heh. But besides that, I’d had a few brewskies by the time the late innings arrived. In fact, quite a few, to say the least. So, you know, I was maybe a little asleep at the switch. But hey, at least I wasn’t driving or operating heavy machinery, if you know what I’m saying.”

The Lord then abruptly ended the interview, saying he had a lot on his mind lately, and really just needed “a couple aspirin and some quiet down time.” Reporters were left with His spokes-object, a charred and smoldering bush that refused to answer any further questions.

the commune news would like to take this opportunity to make it clear that we don't have any goddamned children, so you can kindly shove that bumpersticker up your sactimonious collective ass, thank you very much. Also, you have a tail light out. If Wallace E. Watermelon had any friends at all -- even one -- he’d ask them to call him “Wally.” Do you know anyone that’s looking for a friend to call Wally?