CNN Charged with Leaking Vital Information
“Duck, bin Laden!” News Report Foils U.S. Missile Attack 
BY RAMON NOOTLES New York, NY

SANWAT SITIEU/AP Osama bin Laden's headquarters, before the missile attack

America’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S. attacks on Afghanistan and the Al Qaeda terrorist networks.

On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson.

“This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards.

The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda terrorist network through an illegal cable hook-up obtained for an extra $50 to the cable guy. At that moment, bin Laden and his associates ducked and missles flew harmlessly over their heads, destroying innocent civilian sites and leaving the Al Qaeda network unharmed.

“This grievous, I even charge treasonous behavior will not be tolerated,” Attorney General John Ashcroft raged. “I support the freedom of the press as much as the next guy.” Ashcroft then gestured to Sen. Orrin Hatch, conveniently standing by. “But in this case, CNN endangered an operation that could’ve saved the lives of many Americans, civilian and military. Why couldn’t you keep your big mouth shut?”

This is not the first time the Cable News Network has been accused of interfering with national security interests. In 1989, charges were leveled against CNN for a report that allegedly allowed Manuel Noriega to escape a U.S. military operation.

“Don’t go in there, Noriega!” then-correspondent Bobbie Battista screamed from her anchor desk, as Noriega reportedly was about to enter an airport where U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.s awaited him. “No! Not that door, stupid! The back door, get out the back! Jesus, look out! They’re all around you!”

Noriega did not escape capture, and despite arguments from detractors of CNN, the happy victory allowed CNN to get by with only a stern warning. Officials now say if Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network commit more atrocities in the U.S., CNN will face numerous backlashes, including possible charges of treason and the caning of Larry King.

The commune news is out of order, you’re out of order, this whole damn court is out of order. And so’s the vending machine. Ramon Nootles is positively yummy on crackers.