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Bagel Accepts Man of the Year Award

BAGEL'S MOM
He's the Man of the Year.
 commune Editor receives esteemed award for third time. the commune's Lil Duncan gets up close and personal with the big winner.
read all about it >>

Interview:
Proud Bagel parents credit success to neglect and verbal abuse.
Little Kids Respond:
The whatmune?

Jesus Wants to
Keep Birthday Small This Year
Son of God doesn't want to make a big thing out of it
Woman Sues
Wal-Mart Over Snippy Greeter
Irate shopper trouble with a capital T
Congress Snuck Legislation Through Legalizing Slavery
Subversive unpublicized new law revoked Empancipation Proclamation
Paltrow a Hollywood Pariah After Weight-Gain Roller Coaster of
Shallow Hal
Hollywood stands behind strict "No Fatties" policy



C O L U M N S
Giving You The Finger with Rok Finger: Why Not Have Two Christmases?
Ladies and genitalmen, I am filled up to my ears with Christmas cheer! And, to a lesser extent, liquid opium.

My Friend Polio: Jeff's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Lately it seems like every-damned-body has been asking me what I’ll be doing for Christmas, as if I’m going to say that I’ll be attending a Roman Orgy and then invite them along.
Sampson L. Hartwig Remembers...
Every Christmas was the same thing at my house. Us kids hung up our socks by the chimney, except for Goose, who was not allowed to post socks anymore due to that court order from the neighborhood block association.

Laughing All the Way with Ned Nedmiller: How the Kaiser Stole Christmas
Now every person loves Christmas, Near every last one. ‘cept the Kaiser of course, who don’t like it none.
This Space For Rent with Santa Claus
I Don't Believe in Santa Claus Anymore


F E A T U R E S


Clarise Sickhead's Bedtime Stories For Children
The true story of Christmas is one few people know, they think it’s about reindeer and stockings and snow. But this is all hoohash, it just isn’t so, use it as fertilizer and it’ll make things grow.

Entertainment Police
Ho ho ho, America! Season’s greetings and welcome to a special Christmas edition of “Entertainment Police”.

Fanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the commune
the commune has been happy to provide alternative news for however long you say we’ve been around, and we’ll be presenting it to you at least another four months, which covers the lease for our office.

Fortune 500 Cookies
It speaks elegantly about you, yet barely whispers. That's right, Montana.

the commune's Poetry Coroner
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake, resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile.

Sittin' Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and Jeeter
You know, Shorty, we’ve seen some amazing damned things in our day. What with everything being all techmalogicalized and whatnot, it can make your head spin.


G A M E S


Let's Promote Raoul Dunkin!
If you have any more suggestions for promotional titles that might bring Raoul Dunkin back on board the commune, let us know!

the commune's Manifestos of Fun
Now we are engaged in a great big tent of marryin', testing whether or not monkeys can swim, or any nation so full of monkeys should buy a swimmin' pool, and so you really have to question the logic of buying that leaf net, and that "Pool Jamz" CD that nobody not already sterile can long endure.



Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck
Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist

Free Virus Baggies

Take a Kitten, Please
the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks






Copyright © 2001 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.

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