October 29, 2001
Sweet Jesus America, are you back again already? It looks like Uncle Roland will have to dig deep into his bag of goodies for some tender morsels to keep you entertainment hounds happy! How about we start with everyone’s favorite Quid Pro Bono, Ask Roland?

Q. I’ve been an avid fan of yours since back in your days of writing movie reviews for the Radio Shack employee newsletter, and even your brief stint as a film reviewer for Trucker Girls Magazine. Looking through my collection of your reviews recently, I was startled to discover that you gave “Cock-Gobbling Space Sluts” a four-star review when you were writing for TGM. Excuse me? Were we watching the same movie? Only a truly desperate fan of low-budget erotic science fiction comedies would find this cavalcade of clearly faked Venusian orgasms and unconvincing prosthetic Martian hard-ons anything less than tiresome. And where’s the internal logic? So the mischievous vibra-doodles need to hide in Linda Sproket’s cleavage to survive the journey through deep space so they can sneak into Luke Dorkmer’s pants, but Stud Astroglide and Gina Galaxy apparently don’t need to breathe while copulating on the moon’s barren surface? There’s no air on the moon, Roland. Oh, and also, are there any plans in the works for a book of your movie reviews to be published?
Duke Rainfever, Lost Meadow, Maine

A. Thanks for the letter, Duke. It’s always heartening, and a bit suffocating, to know you have fans who have been following your career so closely. I take it from your collection that you’re both a Radio Shack employee and a frequent reader of Biker Girls Magazine, and from your return address stamp that you live in Maine. The question I have for you, Duke, is which set of fingerprints on the envelope are yours: the big, smudged greasy ones or the smaller, more delicate prints with the tighter swirls? I have a bet going with some friends at the FBI on this one—Christmas might come early for Roland this year! And lastly: Stay the hell out of my car.

Q. On a recent trip to the theater to see David Lynch’s new romantic comedy “Mulholland Dive”, I was plagued by one nagging question throughout the film’s generous 400 minute running time. And that question is this: “What the fuck?”. Thought maybe you could help, thanks.
Carny Viceroy, Tumult, Florida

A. Your question is an understandable one, Carny. There are two important things to remember when watching any David Lynch film. The first is that Lynch did a gargantuan quantity of drugs early in his career and is now considered to be mildly retarded. Did you ever see that “this is your brain on drugs” commercial several years back? They actually used David Lynch’s brain for that commercial, no lie. As a result, Lynch’s films are best enjoyed after drinking a bottle of shoe polish and setting your feet on fire, as the director intended. The second thing is that it’s best to remember that all of Lynch’s films are originally shot in Portuguese, underwater and backwards, then they are translated back by migrant workers, dubbed into English by the cast of “Saved by the Bell”, run forward and spliced together with Mexican soap operas at random intervals. So to best follow a Lynch film, it’s recommended that you have an illegal immigrant friend watch the film for you, then describe it to you through two tin cans attached by a waxed bit of string. If you missed any of those directions, don’t worry. They’re reprinted on the DVD packaging for “Lost Highway”, which was actually about the Spanish Civil War.

Now for the movies!

In Theaters Now:

From Hell
Good God! This isn’t the touching Christmas fable I remembered as a child! I think they’ve pulled a fast one on you and I, America.

Iron Monkey
A completely yawn-worth action epic that pits the Beastie Boys and their fake karate antics against a gang of futuristic numbskulls, set against the backdrop of a post-apocalyptic New Jersey suburb. What do you mean it’s not post-apocalyptic?

Mulholland Drive
Confirmed nutbag director David Lynch finally teams up with an actor who’s talents match and compliment his own: Sylvester Stallone. Sure, the movie is the same backwards mindfuck that Lynch’s last 13 films have been (some say he never recovered from the intense drug-fueled filming schedule of his first hit, “Dumbo”), but finally we’re given someone interesting to look at up on the screen while all of the Shriners are running around and playing croquet with Ann Margret’s balls. Sly pulls off every albino midget enema scene with dignity and style, and he’s got a skull that could stop a runaway trolley car to boot. I’m looking for these two to team up again, maybe on the next James Bond film if we’re lucky.

Riding in Cars with Boys
Britney Spears’ acting debut reminds me of the innocent days of cherry cokes and sock hops, when every children’s film didn’t end with the heroine in a three-way Asian gang bang. Not much happens in the film, but that’s precisely as it should be in films made for teenagers, lest they get any bright ideas. As ever, Spears is a sterling role model of decorum and taste, teaching young girls that it’s better to be respected for your mind than ogled for your body, and that it’s okay to wait for marriage before you go down on an entire soccer team on live national television.

Now on Video:

About Adam
Here’s some free advice to first-time director Adam Curry: If you’re going to shoot a biographical documentary, it’s probably best to choke down a pinch of humility and make it about someone slightly more fascinating than yourself. Also: I hear that every hairdresser in the nation is on a mission to search out and destroy that hair, dude.

Along Came a Spider
I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it again until these slow-witted Hollywood types get the message: ENOUGH WITH THE INTERNET MOVIES ALREADY! They apparently didn’t get the hint from the millions of people who didn’t turn out to see other ‘net thrillers like “The Net”, “Cookie’s Fortune”, “Bandwidth on the Run”, “James Baud in Golden-ISP” and “Summer of Spam”, not to mention NWA’s controversial “FTP” video. Whoever thought a 90 minute thriller could hinge on the suspense of whether or not a website would get indexed by search engines or not needs to dial-up the real world sometime soon.

Freddie Got Fingered
Less ballsy moves have ruined the careers of bigger stars, so you have to applaud loveable meathead Freddie Prinz Jr’s foray into the brightly-colored world of gay porn. Even if everybody knew it was going to happen sooner or later.

With a Friend Like Harry
Funny bio picture about Harry Houdini’s best friend Mick Rabbie, who remained affable and good-natured throughout a lifetime of being ditched at parties and dinners by Houdini, who could never refuse the challenge of escaping from anywhere and everywhere. There’s a great whorehouse scene here that I won’t ruin for you by telling too much about the hermaphrodite in the closet.

Television:

Continuing my run down of this year’s new shows:

Scrubs (NBC)
Only Spike Lee could make racism and ghetto danger so darn funny! A couple of white MIT graduates move into the middle of gang territory in L.A. One’s sloppy, one’s a stuffed shirt, but if either leaves the apartment wearing blue or red they’ll be dead! I usually don’t laugh at white guys being threatened by gang members and insulted constantly, but when it’s funny it’s funny! Way to go for this daring new sitcom!

Philly (ABC)
Yikes! Somebody call ABC and tell them the day of the cute kid and his horse is over. I don’t know what possessed them to replace tough-talking crime drama “N.Y.P.D. Nude” with this sugary third-rate Black Stallion, but the guys in Programming ought to be hung up by their novelty corporate neckties. Get with it, people! The plots are lame, the kid is ugly, and the horse can’t act. Say good-bye to this Awful World of Disney hour.

Accordion Jim (ABC)
This year ABC must stand for “All Bound for Cancellation.” What’s the most annoying instrument on the face of the planet? The accordion! And who’s the master of the accordion? Who cares! Turns out it’s some guy named Jim and ABC has given him a half-hour variety and sketch comedy show that’s so popular these days. But mark my words and small dollar bills, this son of a gun is going nowhere. One more second of that trilling blowhard sound and I’d smash my T.V.! Not to mention the accordion drives me nuts, too.

Video Games:

Woo-hoo! What a time to be a game enthusiast! Because they’re making a whale’s ass load of games! Let’s just skim some of my favorites quickly, eh?

Tony Hawk Prosecutor 2 (Playstation 2)
Playstation brings their successful courtroom simulator to the all-powerful PS2, and it doesn’t disappoint! The defense attorneys are real bastards this time out, but only you, as world-class criminal prosecutor Tony Hawk, can womp them on the head with a writ of habeas corpus so def as to make them think twice about taking the Bar exam!

Devil May Cry (Playstation 2)
No telling how the geniuses at PS2 got a game about the bombing of Afghanistan out so quick, but more power to those ace patriots! It’s your job to find and destroy Mr. O-some-asshole bin Laden himself using the military’s top bombadiers. Just hit every cave you can find, and when that fails, bomb everything within the border! Unlike other games of the same type, there’s no penalty at all for bombing civilian targets, so have at!

Final Fantasy Tac Tics (Playstation)
I usually love to give a game a chance, but I just didn’t get this one, folks. Maybe I lack vision, but I don’t see breath-freshening candy making a successful transition to the video game consoles, though maybe the limited power of the Playstation wasn’t a good platform to start out on. Just between you and me, the disc itself tastes like shit, too.

That'll have to do for now, gents and wo-gents. Check back in two weeks for more entertaining bits shaken out of the nation's toaster!