the commune: you'll learn to love it or die trying

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Afghanistan Northern Alliance Declares Jihad on America

LIAM SNOOT

Former allies-turned-enemies the Northern Alliance.

Bush administration now regrets arming, training new enemies. the commune's Lil Duncan singles out the hot new Hitlers.
read all about it >>

Interview:
Astronomer says Northern Alliance/Auorora Borealis unrelated

Little Kids Respond:
Alliance thinks they're so hot but they're not

President Claims He Feels "A Whole Lot Smartier" Lately
Bush's intellectual capacity improves in wake of terroristical attacks

Jewel Confesses Life-Long Battle With Pretension
Singer, Dickensian poet waif reveals what all have long suspected

American Media Can Shut Up About Harry Potter Any Time Now
Americans not living in caves get it already

Government Denies Terrorist Involvement in ABC’s Fall Schedule
Gross executive failure blamed for putrid batch of new shows

C O L U M N S

Giving You The Finger with Rok Finger: There's A Bustle in My Hedgerow
I'm not sure the exact length of time Jimmy Page is planning on staying. I wouldn't feel right asking him to leave, I'm all too aware of that magic dust in his suitcase.

My Friend Polio: A Three Hour Tour of Conspiracy
Practically all my life I’ve been nagged by the question of why anybody would want to get off of Gilligan’s Island in the first place.

Sampson L. Hartwig Remembers
One day my brother Goose and I had treed a cat. It was barrels of fun, until we heard mom yell from the backporch, 'Kids! Come in and see!'

The Gong Show with Ned Nedmiller: The Tale of the Burping German
Like that faithful old pisser of a national monument out there in them park, one could always set their watch to the Great Burping German of Pistro Falls, Pennsylvania.

This Space For Rent with Kitty Martel
Nick at Nite Marathons are Responsible for My Life

F E A T U R E S

Clarise Sickhead's Bedtime Stories For Children
Once upon a time there was an ecstatically happy couple named Bitrate and Sorma, who lived in the town of Ringbear near Norma.

Entertainment Police
I’d tell you how I’ve been lately, but since it starts out exactly like that joke about the priest, the rabbi and the midget with the clap, you’d never believe me anyway.

Fanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the commune
Thank you for your invitation, but we find the whole thing very sad.

Fortune 500 Cookies
I present to you, the King of throw-away island. Slicing a trench into the past, dogwoods spread their sprays like drifting clouds, the most wasteful member of the tree family.

the commune's Poetry Coroner
Fifteen phantom penpoints, All under my control.

Sittin' Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and Jeeter
Hey Shorty, you remember that long-hair fella that we caught living out in Pete Steingel's barn all those years back, what was his name? The Unibrow?

G A M E S

Let's Promote Raoul Dunkin!
If you have any more suggestions for promotional titles that might bring Raoul Dunkin back on board the commune, let us know!

the commune's Manifestos of Fun
Now we are engaged in a great big tent of marryin', testing whether or not monkeys can swim, or any nation so full of monkeys should buy a swimmin' pool, and so you really have to question the logic of buying that leaf net, and that "Pool Jamz" CD that nobody not already sterile can long endure.

Milestones
the commune's scratch 'n sniff look at last year's office potluck

Opportunities
Pants a Capitalist

Free Virus Baggies

Take a Kitten, Please

the commune book selections
the commune's Bear in Rearview
the commune's Big Book of Duke
Faces of the commune
the commune 100: Leaders and Revolutionaries
the commune 100: Traitors and Noodledicks

Copyright © 2001 the.commune Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is likely to piss off her dad big-time.

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