November 26, 2001
How’s it hangin’, America? Welcome back for another ass-blast of entertainment value as we take a gander at the batch of goodies Hollywood is cramming down our throats this week. I’d tell you how I’ve been lately, but since it starts out exactly like that joke about the priest, the rabbi and the midget with the clap, you’d never believe me anyway. I will leave you with this one nugget of wisdom gained, however: it’s better to keep your trap snapped and wonder if the person ahead of you in line at the grocery is a shrimpy man or a ugly woman, than it is to take a beating with a roll of cookie dough. Lesson learned, ladies and gentlemen. Your mileage may vary.

Now... the movies!

In Theaters Now:

Beneath Enemy Lies
Sarah Jessica Parker stains the screen in this page-turner about an abused housewife who’s husband ran over a dog and will stop at nothing to cover it up, even after the dog’s ghost keeps leaving hair in their bathtub. All I’m gonna say is don’t watch this one if you plan on ever bathing a dog again.

Black Guy
After fishing a magical CTR ring out of some primordial ook, Martin Lawrence is mysteriously transported to Ogden, Utah, where he thinks he’s stepped back in time because there are no black people. Half the fun of the film is watching Lawrence make an ass out of himself as he thinks he’s existing in medieval times, the other half is watching the Ogden locals try to figure how that feller got such a deep tan.

Out Cold
Alright, bring me the head of the Hollywood chuckaluck who offered Steve Austin’s answering machine that three-picture deal.

Spy Game
If ever there were a board game that deserved a movie, it was Stratego, and finally the lugnuts in charge of Hollywood have gotten around to bringing it to the big screen. Dabney “Bitch Slap” Coleman is perfect as The General, and Marshall McLuhan is a hilarious pick as The Marshal, setting up endless Airplane-style “Marshal Marshall” gags. And though it’s not 100% true to the game, I have to admit that I loved Dudley Moore as a UNAbomber-style mad bomber with a weakness for manifesto writing and rubbing alcohol.

Texas Rangers
Loveable screwball comedy about a baseball team who’s owner is nuttier than a tube weasel in a henhouse, spending his days pouring glue on his cereal instead of milk and signing ridiculous contracts for made-up sums of money in an office where even the janitor makes three kerbillion dollars a year. Based on a true story.

Now on Video:

America’s Sweathogs
The Sweathogs are back, and this time they’re gorgeous! Who’d have thought that Horshack would have grown up to look like John Cusack? Or that Angie Globagoski would have sprouted into Catherine Zeta-Jones? Holy shit! Not me! Even Epstein looks good, he reminds me of that Hank Aaron guy from Godzilla. Too bad they couldn’t get that meathead Travolta back for the movie, he must have been busy putting on that alpaca suit for his summer hit Battlefield Galactica.

Apocalypse Now Re-do
Like a little kid who hit his whiffle ball into a tree, legendary director Henry Ford Coppola takes another hack at his coming-of-age tale about four young boys who find a dead body in Marlon Brando’s back yard. This time, they take the body on a “Weekend at Bernie’s” adventure that should please the whole family. Also note that Coppola changed his name in the credits to “Henry Ford Rockhard”, which is cool with me as long as he doesn’t change it into some kind of unpronounceable doodle.

Gay Relative
James Belushi has a world of growing up to do when he finds out that his cousin and childhood friend Ritchie (played by Tupac Shakur) is gay. A touching feather in the cap for both stars, and be sure to watch for the sequel where Belushi finds out Ritchie is black, too.

How the Gooch Stole Christmas
Animal-House-style teen fare about a frat prank gone bad that threatens to ruin Christmas for everyone. Mickey Rooney is great as a Santa who knows his way around a hazing paddle, but the heartwarming ending is somewhat out of step with the boner jokes that populate the rest of the film.

Joey and the Pussy Hats
An odd family film about a gynecologist’s son who suddenly becomes very popular at school after he finds the key to his dad’s office. Huge merchandizing potential here.

Osama Jones
Could there possibly have been a worse time to release this light comedy about an exiled Saudi malcontent trying to find love in New York City? Something tells me that not even Bill Murray can save this dose of Tabasco in the eye.

Television:

Bob Packwood’s Son (ABC)
You know there’s some serious talent drought at ABC when the biggest star they can get is the offspring of some washed-up sex-pervert senator. No, it’s not funny, and yes, it’s thankfully canceled already. In fact, I think the one I was watching was canceled before they even finished writing the theme song, I just heard some guy humming over the opening credits and saying, “You know, something like Seinfeld or whatever” in the background. And, for future reference, networks, at least bother to learn the guy’s name before you give him a show.

Men, Women & Dogs (WB)
WB has got to stand for “We’re Brazen!” this year. No other network is going to be pushing the envelope of good taste about where to draw the proper lines between love and bestiality, but let’s face it, they’re the WB, what do they have to lose? I think once everyone gets over the shock, just like when NYPD Nude first came on the air, you’ll get absorbed in the plot lines. Sure, Chris and Maxine have a lot in common, but the sheer animal passion between her and Rags is undeniable! The future of soap operas is here!

The Yellin’ Show (CBS)
This harken back to Hee Haw didn’t exactly resonate with me, but I’m a city boy, born and raised. Maybe sitting on a porch shouting to other hearing-impaired hillbillies about Mrs. Muggs’ boy Bodean and his infected ear while whittling is your idea of entertainment, but I’ll pass. Thankfully, it’s on Friday when networks don’t even broadcast.

Video Games:

Holy shit on crack! Not one but two new game consoles in November? Thank whoever gave God the blowjob because it’s a great time to be a gamester! And yours truly has got all the specs on the new Gamecube games! This is from Nintendo, folks, the people who have been the game leaders since the original Super Marlon Brandos.

Lucy's Mansion (GC)
Who knew the queen of comedy could be such a bitch? Nintendo reveals the truth in this tell-all video game where you play a prissy teen-age assistant to Mz. Ball herself as she sends you on ridiculous missions to get her good lighting, kick the ass of the writer who sent her the unfunny script, and fetch the hot coffee now, tart! Watch out! If the coffee gets too cold she’ll throw it right back in your face and make you go for more! Graphics so realistic you’ll wish she was choking on all that chocolate like in that chocolate factory episode!

Pikmin (GC)
This is the game everyone will be talking about, or at least me. You’re a Chinese counterfeit toy manufacturer working your ass off to produce poor-quality Pokémon toy knock-offs and sell them to stupid American kids who don’t know any better over the Net. Watch out! You only have so long to sell massive numbers of units before your eBay feedback rating plummets and the game’s over!

Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius (GC)
Just for future reference, Nintendo, I don’t care how cool the game is, never let your 9-year-old Japanese programming wunderkinds name their games. Despite the lame title, this trippy adventure game rules. Battle sentient hula hoops and fire-breathing Native Americans, all while riding your magic recliner made of hemp and shooting your glowing grease gun, in an effort to get back the money that hooker stole from you at the beginning.

What a system! Get down on your filthy hands and knees and beg your version of Santa nice enough and maybe you’ll find one under your tree this Christmas! Loveable Roland McShyster, on the other hand, already has his so I’ll be out clubbing on Christmas day.

And that wraps up our time together, America! Please pay the man by the door when you leave. Thanks.