President Claims He Feels “A Whole Lot Smartier” Lately
Bush's intellectual capacity improves in wake of terroristical attacks 
BY BONER CUNNINGHAM Worshington, DC

ANSEL EVENS for the commune President Bush sharing new intelligentary ideas

The man who claims to be president of the United States, George W. Bush, says that for the last two months he has felt "a whole lot smartier than I used to." He attributes this improvement in intellectual capacity to the resultant stress from the 9/11 attacks on the Pentagon and the World Trade Center.

"Ever since my daddy called and told me to expect a big surprise in the second week of Septremember, not only have I felt more presidentive than ever, but I also think my ICQ has gone up," he told reporters gathered on the south lawn of the White House to collect their official government propaganda handouts recently. "It's got to be the stressure from worrying about all this terristical activity lately that's doing it," he added.

Further expounding his theory that difficult times somehow increase brain activity, Bush went on to say that "I know Mr. Dick (vice-president Cheney), every time he has another heart attack, he yells, 'Ooh, that smarts!' I can hear him in the next office over from mine, he yells that three or four times a week. He's like a dang intellectuable now, a real genie. You know, 'cause of all them smarts."

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, upon hearing the president's explanation, commented, "Well, there may be something to what he's saying, even though we pretty much keep him in the dark about what's going on in day to day affairs, but personally, I think the reason he feels the way he does is that we have changed the official White House snack in all the candy dishes from Skittles to Smarties. He gobbles those things by the handful, I swear, you should see him. He's like a damn little kid."

Fleischer also said that he and Karl Rove had taken to calling the president "Mr. Smarty-Pants" in informal settings, and that perhaps the nickname had gone to his head.

Here in the commune newsrooms, we like to refer to reporter Boner Cunningham by his nickname, "Chubby."