Giuliani Elected King of New York
New Yorkers trade democracy, freedom for security of feudalism 
BY LIL DUNCAN Washington, DC

JUNIOR BACON for the commune Rudolph Giuliani, King of the Big Half-Bitten Apple

In an upset to both Republican and Democratic candidates for the Mayor of New York City, former mayor Rudolph Giuliani was elected King For Life by write-in vote in the Nov. 6th mayoral elections.

“Nobody was expecting this,” said Giuliani, serving out his final days in the mayoral position. “But the people have spoken. And I am proud to assume my divine birthright as King For Life of this beautiful city.”

Giuliani is not only the first candidate to win entirely by write-in votes, he will serve as the first king in the traditionally-democratic United States city.

“Obviously this is a clear mandate for security over the traditional freedoms awarded American citizens,” said Columbia University Professor of Political Science and future peasant Dr. Will Grumbley. “Terrorist attacks have made us more wary of the open society we have in the United States, and how it allows subversive elements to move around unhindered. As a political science professor, I’m concerned about the effect this will have on the future of democracy as a whole. But as a New Yorker, I plead with the King to behead these scroundrels in our midst.”

As a write-in candidate, Giuliani confesses he lacks a platform. But in the time since his election and last Friday’s crowning ceremony, he has introduced plans to make the city safer for his people.

“As your new King, once I take the throne in January, I will decree walls surround the city, walls a hundred feet high!” Giuliani beckoned in a King’s conference this afternoon. “Atop each corner of the wall will stand my image, cast in gold. No one will enter the kingdom without my knowledge. And no one will leave. Ever.”

When questioned about cabinet positions and replacing current city officials, Giuliani stated all current government positions will be eliminated. Over the next few months those who serve the kingdom will be awarded plots of lands, suburbs, or Brooklyn. Titles will be handed out and special rankings declared by the King, though all will be subservient under his rule.

Changes will be plentiful and vast over the duration of his rule, Giuliani assured, including the knighting of certain constables and gathering hangmen for the many executions expected during the first few months. Giuliani could not say more as he was in a hurry to get his image painted for future gold coins to become the city’s currency.

the commune news is used to getting a lot more than this in a “Happy Meal.” Lil Duncan was the queen of the ball in her day, and many a gentleman caller she had.