commune Reporter Lil Duncan Contracts Syphilis
“Terrorists will pay!” says outraged editor Red Bagel, noticeably worried 
BY RAMON NOOTLES New York, NY

JUNIOR BACON for the commune Duncan's skanky ass infected with the spirochete Treponema pallidum

Freedom-loving news source the commune was the victim of international terror this week when much-beloved (no exaggerration there) reporter Lil Duncan was diagnosed with the venereal disease syphilis.

The disease, caused by the bacteria Treponema, was discovered in Duncan after a series of blood tests and physicals given to all commune staff members except Easily Riled Herb. The tests were specifically looking for anthrax or other communicable diseases possibly spread by terrorist to American news sources like ABC and NBC.

After the diagnosis, the commune offices were filled with panicked men and some of the randier women who were terrified they had contracted it, though so far all testing has revealed only Duncan carries the disease at this time. All commune staffers, especially fearless commune editor Red Bagel, will be tested second or even third times to verify the absence of syphilis.

“Terror has hit home, way too close to home, you ask me,” Bagel told a group of commune reporters he demanded quote him in the next edition. “Terrorists strike to make us fearful and terrified. Hence the name, stupid. Well, they have struck, and I guarantee you, the terrorists will pay! Put that part right under the headline, too, Nootles.”

Duncan’s doctor J. Ernest Fielgüd, a specialist in sexually contracted diseases, and medically schooled in them as well, has informed the commune that syphilis is a bacterial disease that is no longer the death sentence it was deemed early in the 20th century. With penicillin, the doctor said, syphilis can be eradicated from even late-stages sufferers.

commune Research Editor, Griswald Dreck, however, disagreed.

“If syphilis shows up, the party’s over, that’s all I can say. Little microbes invade your neurons and turn you into a character not unlike Jack Nicholson in ‘The Shining.’ Brrr! All work and no play make Lil a dull girl. Check her typewriter, I betcha anything she’s got stacks and stacks of that shit on her desk. I’m outta here, no joke. You sit and wait for the ax in the chest, jack.”

Dreck packed his tiny ventriloquist dummy-sized suitcase and vacated the commune offices quickly. All other commune staffers are visibly shaken and worried, but so far wait patiently for the outcome.

Lil Duncan could not be reached for comment as I ain’t getting near the syphilis-beridden bitch.

the commune news is strong enough for men, but women are sickened by it. Ramon Nootles shouldn’t act like such a bigshot around the guys who write the small type, what, he thinks his shit don’t stink?