Poll Shows Americans Willing to Relinquish Rights
Drag bar patrons speak for a nation. 
BY STIGMATA SPENT San Francisco, CA

SNAPPER DOUGAL for the commune the commune's Stigmata Spent takes the pulse of San Francisco

A recent poll has shown that, in the wake of the September 11 flight attendant’s brunch gone bad, a vast majority of Americans would be willing to give up many of their Constitutional rights for a guarantee of some measure of safety and security and the chance to “sleep one full night without worrying about some goat-herder’s son with bad breath slamming a loaded passenger jet into my apartment building,” as one anonymous respondent put it.

Apparently, many citizens feel that a strong police state and the complete suspension of the Bill of Rights is the only way to keep terrorist activity from destroying our precious way of life. Among the rights that people polled would willingly give up are the right to privacy in their homes and persons, the right to avoid wiretaps and other electronic eavesdropping, and the right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure. There was initially some debate on the issue of whether Americans would give up the right to “supersize” their fast-food meals, but that has been tabled at the present time.

Said respondent Connie Bologna, who identified herself as a professional escort for generous gentlemen, “I’d be happy to have about five or six strapping young law enforcement officers handcuff me spread-eagle to an iron cot and give me a full body-cavity search with their nightsticks or batons or billy clubs or whatever you call them. Absolutely. If it helps stop these terroristical attacks, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Another poll respondent, diva Ladyboy Smacky, commented, “You mean let the police get their hands all up in my stuff? Honey, that happens anyway. But if it means saving our country, well, just let me get my lube first. And fix my makeup, mm-hmm.”

Added Bologna, “Oh, yeah, uh huh, honey, I heard the hell out of that!”

The poll was conducted at the Motherlode Bar on Post Street in San Francisco, and has a five percent margin for error, considering that tired queen Charlene and her boyfriend Ray participated, and everyone knows they lie about everything and never answer a question seriously. When it was suggested that the patrons of the Lush Lounge across the street also be polled, Ms. Smacky sniffed, “Who cares what those bitches think? Honey, I’d have to go find a rat just to give a rat’s ass.”

Stigmata Spent has rock-hard boobs bigger than your head and a high, tight ass. She favors leather miniskirts and knee-high boots with six-inch platform soles, and is still more of a man than you’ll ever be. Her friends know her by her signature catch-phrase, “Tie that bitch down and BLEACH HER HAIR!!”