Top-Secret Hank Williams Jr. Song Will End Terrorism Forever
Defender of the South, inbreeding vows his surprise hit will put the U.S. on top again 
BY TED TED Sexest, TX

SKEETER GOMEZ/AP Hank Williams Jr. fixin’ to show America the way

The long-awaited response from Hank Williams, Jr. to all the terrorist events since Sept. 11th is due out Tuesday, and spokesbillies for Williams, Jr. state that it is the much-sought secret weapon that will end the battle against terrorism.

“Y’all don’t even know what the Man With the Plan is gonna unveil,” Bobby Ray Humpstein, a representative from Williams, Jr.’s South Will Rise Again corporation. “I’ll tell you what: This is it. For all o’ them terrorists and whats.”

Williams, Jr. has lit the way for U.S. response to attacks and threats from abroad. Since the 1980s, Williams, Jr. songs have provided much-needed direction against such enemies as the Soviet Union, Libya, Syria, Iran, Iraq, Manuel Noriega, Bosnian Serbs, drug dealers, and Democrats.

The latest song has been the most awaited and needed, as America seeks ways to angrily retaliate and know exactly what kind of bomb should be dropped on who and at what time. Consequently, fearing terrorist attempts to destroy any lyric sheets or even Williams, Jr. himself, all information regarding the song has been kept “besecreted” by Williams, Jr. and all his rowdy friends.

Early reports from insiders suggest that bin Laden will be referred to as a “jackass” or a “donkey-ridin’ instigator.” U.S. policy makers and Williams, Jr. experts suggest that the song will urge retaliation in the form of dropping a big ol’ bomb right down that bastard’s throat.

Undoubtedly, the song will be instrumental not only in leading any new U.S. policy against Afghanistan and bin Laden, but also inspiring thousands of Americans back into large hats and belt buckles.

the commune news is not to be mistaken for that lousy pop group from the 80's and for the last time, caller, Huey Newton doesn't work here. Ted Ted wants to know that if Chevy Trucks live up to their slogan "Like Iraq", does that mean his Silverado is going to gas his family while they sleep? If that's the case Ted Ted wishes he'd bought a Daihatsu.