Afghanistan Northern Alliance Declares Jihad on America
Bush administration now regrets arming, training new enemies 
BY LIL DUNCAN Washington D.C.

LIAM SNOOT/AP A bunch of jerks who we THOUGHT were our friends.

The American people were shocked Wednesday, but not all that much, when Afghanistan’s Northern Alliance declared a holy war or “jihad” on the United States. The Northern Alliance recently took power in Afghanistan from our most recent enemies, the Taliban, who were unseated due to efforts of the United States and a coalition made up of other NATO countries.

“This is a complete surprise, sort of,” said president Bush, reportedly “fumin’ mad” at the betrayal. “If nothing else, myself and everyone in my administration are amazed by the quick turnaround time. This has to be some sort of personal record.”

Trouble reportedly started when a coup within the Northern Alliance replaced former strongmen within the organization with fundamentalists disappointed in the lack of support the U.S. has pledged the new government of Afghanistan in the distant future. General Jamir Guzakibad, the newly empowered leader of Afghanistan’s new government, has promised America will learn to respect the new prominence of the country or it will face dire consequences.

President Bush, upon hearing Guzakibad’s threats translated for him, simply rolled his eyes, his head slumped into a hand with his other hand tapping his fingers in a hum-drum order from left to right.

“Here we go again,” said the president.

Guzakibad has only offered veiled threats so far, but has vowed that the Afghan people are powerful and are chosen by Allah themselves as the rightful inheritors of their country, as well as the land surrounding them. Including the holy land currently occupied by Israel.

“If the American people are resistant to the divine call of the Afghan people,” continued Guzakibad, “we have instruments in our possession capable of defending ourselves, with extreme means, if necessary.”

In response, Secretary of State Colin Powell has speculated publicly that it may be necessary to move troops into strategic positions outside of Afghanistan’s capital of Kabul.

“Fortunately, we have some guys who were there anyway,” said Powell, a little bored.

Thursday night, the president interrupted only ABC’s weak Thursday programming lineup to assure the American people the current threat will be dealt with cautiously.

“We will, uh, persevere and… yeah, you know… freedom is sacred, all that. Those who died… l’see… enemies are cowards…”

The rest of the two-minute speech was similarly fragmented as Bush continued to refer back to notecards and sigh deeply. When all of his high points were addressed, Bush waved away the camera and left the stage, as ABC resumed an episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? where two guys were miming riding bicycles.

the commune news just wants to celebrate its birthday quietly this year, so don’t make a big deal about it. Lil Duncan is the commune’s senior correspondent and is, to quote the Fabulous Thunderbirds, “Tuff Enuff.”