Government Denies Terrorist Involvement in ABC’s Fall Schedule
Gross executive failure blamed for putrid batch of new shows 
BY IVANA FOLGER-BALZAC Hollywood, FL

COURTESY ABC TV Terrorist handiwork or just bad TV?

Monday, White House officials said that despite mounting public concerns over the quality of ABC’s fall television schedule, there have been no signs of involvement from Osama bin Laden’s Al Qaeda network or other known terrorist groups.

President George W. Bush was told there were no unusual personnel changes in the network’s staff and that despite being undeniably godawful, ABC’s doomed fall shows have yet to show any telltale signs of terrorist tampering, such as the insertion of anti-American slogans or the context-insensitive addition of scenes showing a foam rubber effigy of President Bush being torn apart by gorillas.

FCC officials are determined to find out why ABC’s fall line-up has taken an awe-inspiring nosedive into a huge mountain of pure shit only weeks into the season.

Agents are currently pouring through thousands of hours of videotapes, searching for clues that might explain this unprecedented cavalcade of rancid, steaming monkey snot.

FCC chairman Michael K. Powell said, “All information we have currently is that this is an accident, and unfortunate conflagration of low-level talent and poor executive decision making, but we are definitely coordinating with the FBI as well as the heads of the other major networks.”

The FCC is the lead agency in the network probe. That means authorities have no information at this point that anything other than a total lack of judgment and quality control brought the network’s fall line-up to such panic-inducing lows.

The crash of the ABC sitcom Bob Patterson underscores the dramatic changes in the television industry since September 11. Suspecting possible terrorist involvement, network head Steven M. Bornstein pulled the plug on the show only four minutes into its first episode, airing a bouncing ball sing-along broadcast of “God Bless America” for the remainder of the show’s half-hour slot.

In spite of repeated claims from government officials that no links to terrorist activities have been found, the American public remains largely skeptical. “You’ve got to be shitting me, ABC’s fall schedule has more bombs than an Afghani elementary school. They’ve got to have at least a few Al Qaeda moles working over there. Jesus Christ, have you seen According to Jim?” stated an NBC executive who spoke under the condition of anonymity.

“Them Arab buttfuckers is trying to break the American spirit by dumbing down our sitcoms and cheesing up our dramas. No true American would have green-lighted What About Joan? or My Wife and Kids. Sweet Allah have mercy on those cruel fuckers,” said a man wearing a hat that looked like a crumpled-up hot dog.

Investigators are currently looking into possible terrorist involvement in the NBC sitcom Inside Schwartz and Raising Dad on the WB.

Ivana Folger-Balzac is the bitchy ex-wife of famed commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov. She will be working here for a while until “Ivan gets his shit together with the alimony payments” and nobody here has had the balls to suggest otherwise.