the commune: you'll learn to love it or die trying

Taking the Fifth Sweeps
the Criminal Nation

LOCHSEN BAGEL

Non-talking criminal about to get a royal talking-to.

In: “It’s my right not to testify.” Out: “I did it.” the commune's Ivan Nacutchacokov leaps on the bandwagon.
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Pet Rock creator wishes he had written the Amendment

You don't get to be president by lying, you know

McCartney, Bradshaw to Tour

Rock artists collide big time in musical explosion

Canadians Outraged As Dog Takes Gold For Skiing

A Disney dream come true hits Salt Lake City

Milosevic Sports New Mustache For Trial

Hopes dapper new look will lead to acquittal

MSNBC's Chris Matthews Undergoes More Surgery

Fervent ass-kissing leads to rare "brown-facing" condition

I Fear the Olsen Twins Are Space Pilgrims
The wide-eyed, thin-smiled pre-pubescent clones may seem innocent enough, especially to the young or retarded. But the more innocent the doily the more insidious the teapot lurking underneath, or so my mad grandmother used to say.

• Last Issue: Chuck E. Cheese is Using Child Labor to Cook Pizza
• From the Vaults: Corporate America Has Jerked Us Around For Nothing
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Windows XP: Fight the Future
But as always, my acceptance of the old Windows system was a sure as shit sign that the next version wasn't more than two weeks away. And this time they decided to go straight for the Gen-X crowd with a dangerous-sounding name and a design scheme that's like Candyland on crack.

• Last Issue: Open Up Your Wallets, Corporate Greed-Hounds
• From the Vaults: Your Kung Fu is Weak
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Welcome to My Nightmare
I’ve had more than my share of ups and downs in my twenty-four years on this planet. After the life I’ve led, I’m sure you can imagine how happy I was to get a regular gig writing for a well-known respected news source. Then those dildos at Entertainment Weekly bounced my ass back into the street.

• Last Issue: Wrong Answer!
• From the Vaults: Fool!
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I Am Nobody's Personal Food Taster
It’s true, Arvelyn and I could not have been more alike had we been split from the same zygote, but thankfully it was a less disturbing and more natural coincidence, and our genitalia synched up perfectly. But all that is over.

• Last Issue: Collect and Swap All 36 Rok Finger Trading Cards
• From the Vaults: Generation-X-O-Cide
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History
My college years were plentiful with fun and new experiences. When I recall people from that time I always think of my European History professor, Mr. Carmel.

• Last Issue: Flood
• From the Vaults: Penny Candy
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My Reality Shows Rock Hard
You should take a trip into my world some time. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised. Every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes and stroll into the kingdom of my own imagination, a fuck-yeah world that's like some kind of fantastic movie or something. It's an awesome place.

• Last Issue: Say What You Will, But I Still Don't Like Midgets
• From the Vaults: We Have Quite a Lot to Fear, Actually
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February 18, 2002
What it is, America? Welcome back to the long and lonely road of Entertainment Policing. You’ve probably heard about most of what’s gone down since the last installment of this column, including the restraining order placed against yours truly by Saul Worthington of the Bronx, New York.

Volume 14
A magician’s secret weapon? Yes, but there’s much more to the top hat than that. Top hats have been the star on the top of the fashion tree since a long time ago. For an added touch of “ooh la la” nothing says fancy motherfucker like a top hat.

The Lucky Break
Hey, Shorty, go easy on that Red Man, wouldja? Thass all I got left, and you know how I like me a good chaw after supper. Toss it over t’here. Thanks, Shorty. Hey, you know what that reminds me of? That night with the talent scout down at the ol’ Smilin’ Dog Saloon. Was you there that night? That was one for the books, Shorty, I tell you what.

The Golden Potion
Once upon a time, or so goes the line, I heard tell a notion of a gold magic potion. Its power mysterious, a bouquet quite delirious, it filled all who drink with the charm of a king.

Elephant Wings
An elephant is a beast with tiny wings, to say the least. By tiny wings, I mean so small, some would say elephants have none at all.

A Normal Family (Sarcasm Voice)
Bernard hated going home for the holidays. Flag Day was no exception. Flag Day always brought out the worst in the family—Dad’s drinking, Mom’s neurosis, brother Bob’s verbal abuse, sister Val’s being dead.

Milestones

1988: Red Bagel's screenplay based on the cover up of the Challenger disaster is rejected for production and accused of being plagiarized from Tootsie.

Now Hiring

Rib Sandwich. Tasty barbecue rib sandwich, no experience required, must be available noon today. If position works out, could invite you back every week and some weekends. Please contact Ned Nedmiller at the commune.

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