Shuns

by E.L. Pout

November 12, 2001

Who has been flushing your worldly possessions?
Replacing your wardrobe with out-of-date fashions?
Making your schnauzer do Nixon impressions?
Squeezing your neighbors for seedy confessions?
Coating your lips with pre-cancerious lesions?
Showing you slides of infected abrasions?
Accusing your mother of being a Russian?
Filling your mind with intemperate passions?
Splitting your food into practical rations?
Loading your pickup with refugee Haitians?
Mocking your cock in some lewd animations?
Cutting your paycheck by raising inflation?
Wrecking your travel with tropical depressions?
Selling your free time as one-hour sessions?
Telling your family about past transgressions?
Tilling your tulips and planting impatiens?
Shipping your panties to greedy Alsatians?
Sorry, I'm busy with my own regressions.

Quote of the Day

“The Devil finds work for idle hands. It's all part-time clerical work, but the pay is kick-ass. The Devil is no longer hiring for assembly work.”

-Ted's Big Book of Bible

Fortune 500 Cookie

This week you'll finally get that pot to piss in, but before you start unzipping, we should warn you it's second-hand. Turn on, tune in, and drop outâ€”you've missed too many days in that computer programming class. Look for a bright-eyed Aries to take away all your troubles when she shoots you in the throat. Lucky scams this week: Pyramid, carnival ring toss, Florida voter roll purges, and it's okay, I had a vasectomy.

Try again later.

Least-Popular Halloween Handouts

1.	Jesus Tarts
2.	Sock full of pennies
3.	Shnuckers; like Snickers, but filled with delicious Shmucker's jam
4.	Asked to open bag, close eyes; smart-ass farts into sack
5.	Everlasting Never-Ending Irradiated Gobstopper

The Waistland
April be the month that's meaner Than a shot of carburetor cleaner Or an icy, uncooked wiener Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore". "Ain't my lookout," said the genie, in a voice so tiny, teeny Ned thought it a baby, beanie And burned down the... (10/29/01)

The Crab
"I'm only ingesting asbestos in jest," said the tapdancing monkey with blood on his vest; I told him that I didn't think it was funny. "Who says you know funny, you ignorant fuck?" he said with a sneer, and I urged him to suck my cock, because... (10/15/01)

Victim
There's a gray hole in my - shall we call it a soul? Is that what it is? A soul? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my - shall we call it a heart? Do souls have hearts? There's a gray hole in my soul where you ripped out my... (10/1/01)