The Visitors

by Eli Snaubertzen

December 10, 2001

Snooty bugle-playing burglars
Why do you bother me?
Go to hell, you naked buglers
Cease your melody.

Who invited uncooked hamhocks
All these pigs I see?
Go away, freeloading pork pies
Get out my Christmas tree.

Get out Santa, get out Elvis
Get out Sandra Dee.
I don't recall inviting anyone
To share my ginger tea.

Mister Walrus, Miss November
Tell me did you see
A sign hung from my door that said
"Please come and bother me"?

Were my windows not shut tightly?
Did my door not lock?
Was the hint too vague and subtle,
When I threw that rock?

Go on, get out! Every last shrew!
Every last motorcycle cop!
And I will surely lose my patience
Unless those bongos stop!

Clear out my house! Get out the door!
Leave my city block!
Don't come back here even if
You forgot your sock!

No more mastiffs, no more lawyers,
No more mimes or cows
No more microbes selling Amway
Leave and I mean Now!

What now? What's that?
No, my pills ran out.
Goodness, you're right, call the doctor!
Thank you, Mr Trout.

Quote of the Day

“What joyous spring, what sylvan glade, alive with growth and life anew, springing forth in buds of nature's splendor, what miracle of- what, it's snowing? Again? FUUUUUCK. I'll be at the pub.”

-Roderick Youngfellow

Fortune 500 Cookie

You are so ugly, the mere sight of you makes small children give up on life. No twist to that, it just needed to be said. Instead of Band-Aids this week, use bacon. Everybody loves bacon. The only cure for breath like yours is the Hemmingway solution. This week's lucky haiku: Luke Luck licks dykes, Luke's dick sticks Mikes, Mike's wife knifes like OJ.

Try again later.

Top Recent Mother Mary Appearances

1.	Wad of wet toilet paper, Gas station restroom floor, Houston TX
2.	Numerous, Mother Mary's Gift Shop, Albuquerque NM
3.	Fur pattern on Dalmatian's ass, Kingley OK
4.	Burrito Del Maria, Taco Bell Extra Value Menu
5.	Mary, Mary, ABC Thursdays

Distraction
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Shuns
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The Waistland
April be the month that's meaner Than a shot of carburetor cleaner Or an icy, uncooked wiener Said the raven: "Ned's a Whore". "Ain't my lookout," said the genie, in a voice so tiny, teeny Ned thought it a baby, beanie And burned down the... (10/29/01)