When I Was Nine

by Violet Tiara

January 21, 2002

When I was nine
I had a very fine time
and a very fine time had me.
I bothered no one
as I high-fived the sun
and I slept in a mulberry tree.

When I was eight
I went on a date
with the moon
and the stars
and the Venus.
We went out to eat
and the moon treated me sweet
until I refused to touch his thingy.

When I was seven
and the night was eleven
we went on a cruise to Aruba.
I wanted to dance
but he shucked off his pants
as he nakedly played on his tuba.

When I was six
I picked up some tricks
from hanging with Leo and Cancer.
Cancer liked to gab,
but Leo ate the crab.
I asked why and he burped up an answer.

When I was five
I felt most alive
and went over the falls in a barrel.
It wasn't a dare
that had placed me there,
but I had misplaced my apparel.

When I was four
life was mostly a bore
and I spent my time chatting with flowers.
Mom thought it quaint
but dad said it ain't
and he made me drink four whiskey sours.

When I was three
I was in love with the sea
and was loved by the sea and the land.
But by three and a half,
I had switched to decaf
and dropped the ocean for a competing brand.

When I was two
I had nothing to do
and things had nothing to do with me.
But at two and a half,
while seeking a laugh,
the ice monkeys taught me to ski.

When I was one,
I got nothing done.
I did not a single damned thing.
I sat on my ass,
chewing dirt clods and grass.

What did you do when you were one? Write a goddamned book?

Milestones

1961: Cuban immigrant Lazlo Homales buries a small change purse in a remote section of upstate New York. Over 40 years later, commune reporter Ivan Nacutchacokov finds the purse with a metal detector, andâ€”what the crap, two dollars?? Lousy poor immigrants!

Now Hiring

Hall Monitor. Duties include asking to see hall passes, looking like an authority figure and keeping the unpopular commune staff members out of the staff lounge. Good grades a plus.

Top 5 Bush Second-Term Pledges

1.	Encourage nations to work with us again, under threat of violence
2.	Pay national deficit with Discover and Visa cards
3.	Appeal to black constituents by finally selling off "Amos & Andy" videos
4.	Build new wing of America so rich people can vacation more
5.	Two, maybe even three more inaugurations

Dreamin' in Dreamland
I'm dreamin' a dream of a dream I once had about a dream that I had once before The one where the fish flip and follow each other diving deep in the dark down below The one where I'm swimming safe and secure sailing a salt-silent sea ... (1/7/02)

Sunflake
Oh, to be a phantom sunflake resting on the bile. A single, golden, shining sunflake, gurgling in the Nile. An elf's aorta, a unicorn's anusâ€” none could be as sweet. As to be a lonely sunflake munching on a leek. Rainbows tease me, ogres please... (12/24/01)

The Visitors
Snooty bugle-playing burglars Why do you bother me? Go to hell, you naked buglers Cease your melody. Who invited uncooked hamhocks All these pigs I see? Go away, freeloading pork pies Get out my Christmas tree. Get out Santa, get out Elvis Get out... (12/10/01)