Volume 16

Dear commune:

Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush?

Joel Harmonica
Marshall, GA


Dear Joel:

If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of prunes in every drop, nothing beats a flush. If you're talking about poker, a royal flush beats a flush, and somehow that bastard Murray used up all his luck for the next century 'cause he's got one. We suggest changing the game to 52 Pick Up and darting out of there with whatever money you got.

the commune

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Dear commune:

Coming from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, Todd Rundgren has always leaned toward a sound more British-influenced than from his area of origin. A self-taught guitarist who has since learned every other instrument involved in rock music, Rundgren started in bar bands and found success in the music business.

Initially Rundgren found success working behind the scenes, as a sound engineer and producer for artists ranging from The Band to Meat Loaf. But a gifted songwriter with influences like Laura Nyro and The Who, Rundgren was already on a course to find his own fame. He's charted continuously through his music career since the 1970s, but never has found the acclaim of more famous musicians. Perhaps Todd Rundgren will always remain a master producer and underground figure in the world of American rock 'n' roll.

Richard Pelt
Viola, IO


Dear Richard:

Does anyone even want to talk about the commune anymore?

the commune

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Dear commune:

I am outraged! This web publication is complete and utter nonsense. I've tried to keep an open mind, I entertain the wild theories of alternative news sources quite a lot, I like to think of myself as someone who challenges the status quo. But your "news" is just half-assed research and unconfirmed rumors. Did you think the American public was too dumb to notice?

All updates of the commune have been so poorly done, yet this latest was the weakest yet. Is your editor Red Bagel really presenting the idea that President George W. Bush is the grandfather of former President George Herbert Walker Bush, and has traveled through time to prevent a society of robots from destroying his past? It's all really too much. Not only is it just plain ludicrous, much of it is plainly a distorted plagiarizing of James Cameron's Terminator films. With this kind of man in charge of your publication it's no surprise the rest of the reporting follows such a shoddy standard.

Get your act together.

Lucy Johannsen
Moulon Rouge, LA


Dear Lucy:

Your letter is very insightful, well conceived, and makes extremely valid points. As such, I can't say we have any experience in answering such a letter. Wow. Yep, that's something.

Our best response at this time is that you should take your big fat business elsewhere, shorty. What's that? Yeah, we went there. Shorty. As in not tall, not at all, shorty. Short stuff. Short stack. Short pie alá mode. Take your letter and shove it, shorty.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for the state of slang. We, too, miss old proper English which has been so sadly replaced by the rap lingo. And we do mean old English, like the kind spelled "olde English." Yea, 'twas a proper time twixt Roman times of yore and most modern h'ppenings.

Volume 15
Dear commune: My name is Ronnie Boyd and I am 13 years old. I'm in the hospital right now and very sick. I have a rare disease that I can't even pronounce. I need a genitals transplant or the doctors say I won't live very long at all. I probably... (3/4/02)

Volume 14
Dear commune: Your publication means a lot to me. I'm sure a lot of people say that, but I have a special reason. I started reading the commune in prison and it helped inspire me to straighten my life out. I'm not exactly sure how, you figure that... (2/18/02)

Volume 13
Dear commune: I got drunk last night. But wait, I'm not writing with good news. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and I think I hit her. She shattered into a million pieces and I couldn't even see her head no more. It freaked the hell out of... (2/4/02)

Volume 12
Dear commune: I appreciate your views and your attention to the various sources of news out there. the commune is one of the finest Internet publications I've ever read, and that's not saying much. But I'm afraid I write to you with matters other... (1/21/02)