Midnight Snack

by Frank Niebaum

April 15, 2002

All the summer dumplings want to eat me alive,
I get a hostile greeting even before I arrive!
Oh me oh my, I've pissed off the pie!
What an unfortunate fate!
Why'd I have to delve into the custard so late?

Now my gentle dreamland has been turned all amiss,
Not a single baby here to give me a kiss!
No hills made of quilts, no drummers on stilts,
My dreamscape has gone all wrong!
Goodbye to Brahms and hello to this Zydeco song!

Moon, my friend, oh what I'd give to see your wide smile,
Every cake I bite into is filled with a file!
No cow up there jumping, the breastmilk is pumping,
The little dog's barfing up crack!
The spoon is gone, the plate is having a heart attack!

Why'd I have to eat those dozen Cadbury eggs?
Why not leave the chocolate bunny, or at least his legs?
That damn midnight snack that I wish I had back,
Oh please dear God let me wake!
At least get these sheep to rehab, for goodness sake.

Quote of the Day

“There ain't no cure for the summertime blues. Or HIV. Boy, AIDS, that must suck. This has been a Public Service Announcement from Eddie Cochran.”

-Eddie Cochran

Fortune 500 Cookie

Look to the stars for guidance: preferably someone who's been in a big movie in the last five years. You will go to the bathroom this week. Don't be fooled by your lack of progress in life: things can still get much worse. This week's lucky gelatin desserts: Jell-O Jigglers, Jell-O Epileptics, Limp Hicks, Greased Piggie Bites, Spineless Weasels, Slime Dogs.

Try again later.

Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals

1.	Houseboats for all!
2.	Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens
3.	Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life
4.	Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget
5.	Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway

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Bummer
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Have You Ever Loved?
Have you ever loved like the whistling wind of a barn swallow's nostril-hole? Have you ever lived like a merchant prince on quiche and curry dumplings? I think not. Have you ever stared into the face of time like a fearless mutant... (3/4/02)