State of the Union Jack

by D.J. Mac Factor

July 22, 2002

Random parables are wearable
surf sluts speak of Sarin gas
like a bubble from Hitler's ass
America's flying at half-mast

Conspirators eat beer and s'mores
while Dutch elves poison naked bears
nobody cares what the emperor wears
as long as he curtsies when he swears

Ugly duckling nipple-suckling
foreigners with blonde toupees
cheering for the Oakland A's
suffering through their own malaise

The end is near, the beer is here
wise up, rise up and get busy
concubines will make you dizzy
avoid them when they're in a tizzy

Omar Bricks get the chicks
Rok Finger gets the underage cripples
When Bagel moves his ass ripples
Lil gets down like Mr. Whipple

Whatup, shutup bitch be a cut-up
you can't play Bach on a busted up cello
Bush ain't even black when he plays Othello
best to be mellow like your ass was yellow.

Quote of the Day

“We'll meet again. You might say that's impossible, since people can only meet once, but they haven't factored in my patented time machine and early-onset Alzheimer's.”

-Capt. Don Spacegain, Year 3054

Fortune 500 Cookie

Now's the perfect time to launch your alternative news website. Thursday's haul proves your friend's theory that the Halloween is really the only lucrative time for trick-or-treating. For your information, he's going to shoot his old woman down 'cause he caught her messing 'round with some other man; you don't need to know everything. Lucky son of a bitch.

Try again later.

John McCain's Most Ill-Conceived Jokes

1.	Trick "Good for One Free House-Cleaning" coupon he gives to homeless that looks like $100 bill
2.	Open letter to Crocodile Hunter widow Terri Irwin inviting her to spend the night with a "real man"
3.	"I fully and unequivocably support the rights of homosexuals. Nah, just kidding. That shit makes me throw up."
4.	Wearing hole-filled NASA sweatshirt to press conference Saturday
5.	Big "I have cancer" gag in 2000 election

Your Honor
A little dog choked on a draidel, a ladle, a can of beef stew and a wicker kazoo. His owner, a loner from Kalamazoo, in a wrath drew a bath that he filled up with glue. The soup of white goop he stirred with an oar and what's more he added the... (7/8/02)

Space Pioneers
Life on earth did not much agree with Rufus McGee and Magilicutty Sneed. Two young boys, American as can be: American as trees, or Apples Dupree. On summer days they dreamed, on winter nights they schemed, lying there on their ... (6/24/02)

Do Not Disturb
Combustible rustable grannies come marching in waves from the caves with their zinc eyebrows arching, in tunics with tonics electric on their lips, cities of biddies descend on our ships. "Great Montezuma!" cried Macbethle Macwire ... (6/10/02)