Volume 35

Hey commune:

Grady Volsang here again, for the first time. Pissed off? Yeah, that's right. You must've got a warning call from my wife. Seems like you can't piss out a window in this town without cheesing off some bleeding-heart liberal, that's what I've noticed. But I'll be a pitbull's bitch if I give a greased Jesus what those weasels think. I've said it before, and I'll say it again this afternoon, after my hydrotherapy: I'm done with Donettes. You know, those little donuts that come in a package? Yep, through with them. Finished, kaput. Don't even try to sell me any, because you'll be sorely disappointed. I've eaten those things every day for forty years and I still haven't had a good one. So you know what? Nuts to you, Mr. Donette. You had your chance. From now on I'm taking my business to the Sno-Balls camp. I hear they know how to treat a fella.

Grady Volsang
Verno Beach, FL


Dear Grady:

We here at the commune couldn't agree with you more, Grady, even if we knew what you were talking about. What is clear, however, is that you are some kind of missing link that science has spent eons in search of. Your unfortunate body could speak volumes to the right researchers, about the effects that ingesting several tons of stale donut meal over the decades could have on blood pressure, IQ, running speed, cancer of the ass, and one's resistance to being gutshot. You owe it to America, Grady, to be autopsied immediately.

the commune

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Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible for anything we may have done while under the influence of pure cane sugar.

Volume 34
Dear commune: The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed... (1/20/03)

Volume 33
Dear commune: What the hell is Damon Wayans doing on Delta's in-flight video? Did he bitch-slap the president and get some kind of harsh community service sentence or something? Damn. Peace. Rodney Shue Belmont, LA Dear Rodney: ... (1/6/03)

Volume 32
Dear commune: I'm always fascinated by cultures different from our own. It's nice to know that some things are universal—like smiles. Everyone smiles, in every place on the earth! Isn't that cool? Another thing is Santa Claus. Sure, we don't... (12/23/02)