Curses

by Zanzibar McNally

March 31, 2003

I curse you with the spirit of Ralhallah,
for charging me
this late fee, Blockbuster.
The one-eyed stare of Tulanjabi
will seal the fate of thee, cock-buster.
And you, over there, you Jiffy Lube:
I reserve for you the Pains of Urdubaas
for trying to sell me bullshit every time
I turn around or scratch my ass.

The Dripping Testicle of Mosumbancâ€¦
oh shit, that one's too good to spoil it.
I think I'll save that for Citibank
for calling while I'm on the toilet.

The Yestrambrudi Oldamthan,
which makes one's scrotum tender,
I save for my cocksucking mailman.
That should return his shit to sender.

The Curse of Shazit Amanull
is just what the doctor ordered
for that bitch who dinged my car at work,
or that tease who works at Borders.

Swarms of locusts, flocks of bees
and shitloads of ladybugs
will rain down from the sky, and blot out the sun
and gobble up Chico's drugs.
Ha ha man, serves you right!
For not bringing my Papa Roach tape back, fucker.
The Curse of Ramram Jujufruits
just kicked your ass right in the nuts, sucker.

Snakes and rakes and all kinds of shit
that you wouldn't want in your car
will be in your car, along with mystical shit
like some naked dude playing sitar.

Don't believe me? Just try me, you infidel prick!
Go ahead and eat that last praline.
You won't be laughing when Oram Lalanic
makes your man-tits swell up with saline.

Curses! I just got salsa all over my pants!
I look like I fucked a tomato!
Toss me the bag, we'll see who made these damned chipsâ€¦
and begged for the Curse of Pantsato!

Quote of the Day

“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our capacity for customer service. Yes I'll hold.”

-Elvin Einschwartz

Fortune 500 Cookie

You will find Love in a new job this week. Unfortunately it's Courtney Love, and she's your second-shift supervisor. Cheer up, it's not that nobody cares about you; it's just that nobody's willing to admit to it. Everyone's right: Your irrational hatred of the Chinese is starting to hurt your chopstick business. This week's lucky stars: Sirius, Orion, Omega 13, Pauley Shore.

Try again later.

Top Unrevealed Bush Tax Cut Benefits

1.	Paper currency disintegrates upon touching hands of lower classes
2.	Top 1 percent of wealth holders can legally eat cloned dinosaur
3.	Five new interns approved for every Democrat who votes for cuts
4.	Third Star Wars movie legally required to be drastic improvement
5.	Millions of tax dollars refunded to rich; T-shirts for poor

Alphabet Soup
Monday, March 17, 2003 Anemic anteaters from Azerbaijan bounce from brassieres and bark at batons. Cold-water codfish cause cramps in the colon of a dark-dimpled debutante named Deborah Dedolin. East of the egg factory, eyes can... (3/17/03)

Scream, You Monkey
Scream, you monkey like the wrath of all bananas was on your ass or like you just found out your Visa card was rejected. That's right, you ape with your little hat and jacket you thought you had it all figured out not so smug now, are... (3/3/03)

The Walrus Said
The time has come, the walrus said, to smoke a box of crack. Fucking walrus! Stay out of my drug box, and you're standing on my sack! Don't make me cook you in hot whale oil for absconding with my stash! Your constant questions ... (2/17/03)