Venereal Ice

"Politics makes strange bedfellows, but sheep are surprisingly comfortable."

I heard once that you never talk about religion or politics with people, which sounds like a good idea 'cause that way they never know you're an idiot. Oh, they might think they know, and they may even tell you so, but they don't got no proof. That's what counts. So I try to stay out of politics. And public swimming pools.

It's amazing more people don't catch diseases from public swimming pools. All those people swimming around in the same lukewarm water with each other, spitting and blowing snot and peeing. It's like venereal soup or something. Which might not be too bad, actually, if you threw in some mushrooms. I love mushrooms.

I got tuberculosis or something from a public pool last year. True story. It's a good thing they have a cure for that now. I've just got to convince the doctor to give it to me, I think he's holding out just to be a dick. It's probably not even TB, he said I should go home and try to sleep it off for a few months and if it gets any worse come back.

I know a friend, Loomis, and he caught genital warts from a toilet seat. No shit. He got real pissed but the guy said it's his own fault for not waiting until he was finished before sitting down. Loomis is still waiting for that jackass to call him back.

It would really suck to have genital warts because then everybody would take a look at your hands and know you've been masturbating. Or touching frogs repeatedly. I don't know which is worse. I don't want everyone to know I masturbate. Sure, they can guess, but they have no proof. Those 7-11 security camera photos are way too grainy, that shit won't stand up in court.

I always heard if you get a sexual disease it makes your wang burn. But I say my dingle's always hot for action, mama. Then they slap me and say it's a free clinic, not a singles bar. But there's not much difference, I keep seeing the same people in both places, there's just more lights in the clinic.

If my schlong ever burnt from a sexual disease, I would just put some ice cream on it. Think about it—nothing can live in ice cream, it's too cold. Plus, chicks love ice cream. Actually, guys love ice cream, too. I'd probably lick myself down there if I had ice cream. Or if my back could bend that far. Even without the ice cream.

I wish my back could bend like that.

Meat Book
"Read me my rights, pig. Then read me Lady Chatterly's Lover, but just skip to the dirty parts." I read this funny book and I've been telling everybody about it. I haven't read all of it, just parts of it, really. Okay, one part. And... (3/17/03)

Fireworks Club
"I once shot myself in my pajamas!" I've been on a weird sleep schedule for about a month or so. I wake up, stay awake for about 16 hours, then go to sleep, wake up 8 hours later, go to sleep, wake up 9 hours later, stay awake for 6 hours,... (3/3/03)

Bulimia Machine
"My body is like a well-oiled machine—both are really oily." I joined a gym yesterday. I didn't know it could be court-ordered to join a gym. I suppose if nothing else it's a good warning to everyone else not to snack on pork rinds... (2/17/03)