Volume 40

April 14, 2003

Dear commune:

Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends.

Sincerely,

Randy Moate
Riverview, KS

Dear Randy:

Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news organization made up of numerous individuals, office equipment, free-roaming egos and a Ford Fiesta we use for beer runs and other official business. Weâ€™re flattered by the feeling of closeness you have for our organization, however it is a logical impossibility for the commune as a whole to be considered your "friend" in any conventional sense. That having been said, we might stand up for you more often if you didnâ€™t get in a dick-waving contest every time you get half a drink in you, asshole.

the commune

Editorâ€™s Note: the commune is not responsible for Barry Switzer of Elk Plain, MO. Whatâ€™s with that guy, anyway? Talk about an Olympic-caliber jerk. Man. the commune would love to know what makes that guy tick. Some kind of high-octane asshole fuel, we think.

Quote of the Day

“Discretion is the better of valor, and the first thirty minutes of Saving Private Ryan much better than any of the rest of it.”

-Crazy Eddie Shakespeare

Fortune 500 Cookie

It's time you leave your job, 'cause they're going to fire you tomorrow. If you're ever cornered by a bear, hang your lunch in the tree and pretend you have Tourette's. She sells seashells by the sea shore, which is an incredibly bad market to unload those things. Duck, duckâ€”goose. Lucky numbers all negative.

Try again later.

Least-Watched Holiday Specials

1.	A Bush Family Christmas
2.	I'm Dreaming of a White Krishna
3.	VH1 Behind the Music: That Guy Who Sang Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4.	Christopher Walken in a Winter Wonderland
5.	Gerald Ford Reads "Twas the Night Beforeâ€¦" Oh Shit

Volume 39
Dear commune: Chuck Weinert writing in to say that I crap bigger than you. I mean that literally and itâ€™s a serious problem in my life. Iâ€™ve gone through three divorces and countless trailer homes because of this problem, and Iâ€™ve been... (3/31/03)

Volume 38
Hello commune: I really admire Mr. Robert Wadlow. He was of incredible height. He was huge but looked very friendly. I am only 5'5" and believe me, I am really disappointed with myself. If only I could grow a little bit taller. Mr Wadlow was so... (3/17/03)

Volume 37
Dear commune: Let me be the brave throat giving voice to the widespread, though silent, thought on the brain of the nation: It's time to set Arkansas on fire. We've danced around the issue long enough, now it is time for action. Nothing useful has... (3/3/03)