Genuine Draft

May 26, 2003

"I swear, it's just like Herpies Law. Anything can go wrong, you get herpies. Story of my life."

The big problem with going to war is it's all fun until they tell you to go. Kicking ass is easy when you're watching on TV, give me a remote and I'll kick everybody's ass. A whole lot of ass. Guns are heavier and harder to point.

I shot a gun once, at a gun show. Nobody told me that was the secret signal to start a dogpile. Dogpiles are fun only if you're the guy on top, or the one with the video camera.

Really they should call it a manpile, since usually there's no dogs. Then if you were walking down the street and you saw a pile of dogs, you would yell "Manpile!" and the dogs would look at you funny.

Some judge told me I needed a hobby, so I decided my hobby was not going in the army. Whatever you call not going to war and being shot up by the Chinese. That's my hobby.

It's fun to have a hobby and have something to say on the dating service video. I think that's what it was but it was weird because I didn't know the cops taped those. That must be what the only semi-crooked cops do for extra money.

But sometimes a hobby can cramp your style, which in my case is doggystyle. The other day at the gas station I overheard about a party where they were going to have a Miller Genuine Draft. I had to tell those guys thanks, but I couldn't risk going in the army. They were so mad they said I was never invited anyway, and who the hell are you? But I said hey, sometimes your hobby comes first. Sometimes the girl comes first, but only when she is really ugly and you are too drunk to think of somebody hotter.

Milestones

1969: Red Bagel finds true calling when he stumbles on to faked moon landing being filmed in his local neighborhood YMCA.

Now Hiring

Ring-Bearer. Seeking meek carrier of unholy evil, pure of heart and with will to accomplish impossible deed. Three references and two years of experience necessary, start at minimum wage.

Top 5 Reasons There's No Way That Asshole Can Win the Republican Nomination

1.	Too crazy/not crazy enough/not the right kind of crazy
2.	Makes swing voters shit blood at the sound of his/her name
3.	Once snorted cocaine off the belly of an underage Thai hooker who believes in big government
4.	Has been photographed not trying to kill Obama with their bare hands
5.	Can read

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