Hot fun in the cinematime, ooh-la! Yep, America, summer's all up in us and Hollywood again backs its dump truck full of big-budget money-magnets right into our collective lap! If you're wondering where all the good movies went to before May, they were hoarded away like nuts for the winter, only in this case for the summer, since it's statistically proven a fool and his money part a lot easier when it's hot and sweaty outside. But I'd like to see any fools unhappy with this bunch of blockbust-o-tainment!


In Theaters



The Matrix Rebooted

I really loved the first Matrix (officially episode 7 in the Matrix timeline) and, like everyone else in the country, waited with high hopes for the sequel, and it does not disappoint! Keanu "What kind of name is Keanu?" Reeves reprises his role as the Matrix, and gives us twice the leaping, twice the kung fu, twice the sort-of-deep philosophy! Oh, yeah, this is why we go to the movies, this and the air conditioning. X2 may be off to a big start and the first hit of the summer, but The Matrix Rebooted (number 4 in the Matrix timeline) is the best bet for king of the year. However, those easily confused or from Texas may want to wait until all 13 Matrixes are released and try watching them in order.

Finding Remo

Pop quiz: You're a director hired to make a sequel to the multimillion dollar Remo Williams franchise, and you can't afford $20 million megastar Fred Ward to come back as the main character—what do you do? If you said get cheap replacement stars and have them look for the missing lead in a fun-filled action romp, you're right. If you said animate the whole thing with bang-up CGI, you're right. If you suggested doing both at once, you're a self-destructive moron and should be pink-slipped immediately. I wouldn't count on any more sequels to the Remo Williams movies after this; after this disaster, they'll be lucky if Joel Gray returned even to lend his voice. Christian Slater does a passable voice job as Zeppo Williams, Remo's nephew, but don't expect it to save this bear trap of a movie.

Bruised Almighty

No summer blockbuster fest would be complete without Jim Carrey kicking God's ass. Trying the explain the plot would only insult us both, suffice to say that the special effects are whammy and Carrey gives us more of that trademark martial arts power that won him a Golden Globe in Crouching Liar, Hidden Dragon. Jetson Lee is the most formidable opponent Carrey has had in a long time, and his portrayal of God rates only after that one famous actor, you know, the one who really likes guns.

The Hoke

For the most interesting story behind the screen this year, check this out. Apparently director/Hollywood joke name enthusiast Ang Lee is "anglee" at Marvel comics for their breakout success with Spiderman last year, and decided to get back at them by taking another big character, the Hoke, and giving him awful cartoon animation that looks like some footage cut by drunken Monsters, Inc. animators. Casting flaming Rex Banion as bookworm Dr. Bruce was adding insult to injury. You'll eventually look forward to when he's replaced by a 2-D cartoon booger with Crayola color. Between the success of their Malcolm X comic movie X2 and this, Marvel might break even, but not much more.

Downey with Love

This? This is what I get served up to me for summer? I suppose people who dislike humanity need to see movies, too, but I wish they would stick to DVDs instead of cluttering up the theaters with crap like this. Robert Downey, Jr. and Courtney Love star in a romantic comedy so bad they didn't even bother to title it. I hear their agents didn't even know about the contracts to do the movie, it was arranged through a mutual dealer. It's hard to develop real chemistry when only one of your stars is awake in any given scene. I wouldn't put any Oscar stock in this one, but if they give out awards for getting the most people into detox programs, here's your winner.



Fear not, America. It's not even full-on into the summer yet, and I haven't heard nor smelt the familiar fart of the Farrelly brothers, so we could be in store for even more prime summer stock. Until then, I'll be tanning on the back porch and cooking franks on the grill by working it with my feet. Hungry, anyone?

May 12, 2003
Time to stretch whatever you need to stretch, America, we're gearing up for the Summer Blockbuster season. Take your time, though, since nothing looks worse on a time-off request form than the term "pulled scrotum." Ouch. Once you're good and loose... (5/12/03)

April 28, 2003
Leave it to Hollywood, just when you think nothing good is coming out, all of a sudden nothing good really doesn't come out. Hopefully you can find a beach ball or some dirty playing cards or something to keep you busy while you're in the theater... (4/28/03)

April 14, 2003
Howdy howdy howdy America, as they used to say in the old three-man Westerns. We're here for another week of the viewin' and reviewin' good time you've come to know as Entertainment Police. Or, if you've been tuning in to our Spanish-language... (4/14/03)

March 31, 2003
Holy movie overload, America! Like most of us, Hollywood is doing a little spring-cleaning this week, but instead of dragging unused exercise equipment and boxes of used pornography to the curb, they're dragging their excess cinema to the, well…... (3/31/03)

2003 Oscars Special!
Oscar fever is upon us, ladies and gentlemen, and fear not: that puss-like discharge is a completely normal symptom. Hollywood is throwing all of its bulimia-managed weight around in an effort to whip us all into an Oscar frenzy, until we're running... (3/17/03)