Wet the Ted

by Danson Macrane

August 4, 2003

Loosely Ted did wet the bed,
though none of the
neighbors could hear.
Not even when Teddy,
his day wrecked already,
wet the pillow with one salty tear.

The bedroom was silent
while in calculations violent
Theodore did ponder his fate.
Then spirit intravenous
did stoke up his genius
as he realized it wasn't too late.

He dressed in a flurry
as to indicate the hurry
and gathered his bed in a sack.
Then sneaking outside,
for neighbors he spied
as he hoisted the sack on his back.

He dashed to his Jeep
with the soiled wet heap
and flung it in the back with an grunt.
As it dropped with a slosh
nearby Ethel cried "Gosh!"
and Ted thought "I don't like that lady."

He drove to a Cliff
whose brother was Biff
and asked them if they'd stash this mess.
Cliff said no way
but he'd get the so say
of a far-away sister named Tess.

Instead Ted drove to The Dump,
which is the name that some chump
had given the neighborhood bar.
They turned Ted away
so he called upon Ray
who owned an abandoned old car.

Ray was too picky
to get his vinyl sticky
but he told poor Ted what to do.
"Write an email with the heading
'Please Help with Wet Bedding'
and sent it out to five million and two."

So Ted penned the Spam,
which was soon forwarded to Sam,
a copper assigned to the case.
The cops seized Ted's belongings,
which did satisfy his longings:
the peed sheets were removed from his place.

Milestones

1931: Former commune columnist Sampson L. Hartwig forfeits another "Race Around the World" when it is discovered that he merely hid in a barn for three days, then took a taxi in from the opposite side of town, claiming victory.

Now Hiring

Compulsive Ass-Kisser. Shameless suck-up needed to boost general staff morale and cut down on work days lost to crippling depression. Total lack of discernment required. Insane "Never met a man I didn't like" attitude a plus.

Top 5 commune Features This Week

1.	Boris is Gay
2.	Ms. Cleo's Special Sauce Recipe
3.	Big, German Jugs
4.	The Dangers of Breastfeeding Wildlife
5.	Apple: Computers for Commies?

America the Beautifart
O beautiful farts stained the skies, For lumber made of brains, For purple Muppet maggot fleas A dove went fruity--GAY! America! America! God shaves his balls with thee. And this other dude Had a brother who'd Frenched a seal in the... (7/21/03)

Sleepwalkers
Sleeping deeply, Major Fleeping rose though no alarm was beeping and made a sandwich of apple cores, which he chewed between the snores. Incessantly talking while sleepwalking, Lazlo Dennis beat at tennis a regional club pro, who, you know, ... (7/7/03)

Learn About Rain
The rain falls wet like sloppery skittles from the mouth of a stupid dog. The beautiful rain, it coats the trees like sex lubricant. But that's where the rivers come from. The rain slides down the trees like sweat down the crack of... (6/23/03)