Wet the Ted

by Danson Macrane

August 4, 2003

Loosely Ted did wet the bed,
though none of the
neighbors could hear.
Not even when Teddy,
his day wrecked already,
wet the pillow with one salty tear.

The bedroom was silent
while in calculations violent
Theodore did ponder his fate.
Then spirit intravenous
did stoke up his genius
as he realized it wasn't too late.

He dressed in a flurry
as to indicate the hurry
and gathered his bed in a sack.
Then sneaking outside,
for neighbors he spied
as he hoisted the sack on his back.

He dashed to his Jeep
with the soiled wet heap
and flung it in the back with an grunt.
As it dropped with a slosh
nearby Ethel cried "Gosh!"
and Ted thought "I don't like that lady."

He drove to a Cliff
whose brother was Biff
and asked them if they'd stash this mess.
Cliff said no way
but he'd get the so say
of a far-away sister named Tess.

Instead Ted drove to The Dump,
which is the name that some chump
had given the neighborhood bar.
They turned Ted away
so he called upon Ray
who owned an abandoned old car.

Ray was too picky
to get his vinyl sticky
but he told poor Ted what to do.
"Write an email with the heading
'Please Help with Wet Bedding'
and sent it out to five million and two."

So Ted penned the Spam,
which was soon forwarded to Sam,
a copper assigned to the case.
The cops seized Ted's belongings,
which did satisfy his longings:
the peed sheets were removed from his place.

Quote of the Day

“It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that's completely impossible by the laws of physics and laughable to every sane person.”

-Mark Twaint

Fortune 500 Cookie

This is the week you finally snap. All those years spent strengthening your middle finger and thumb are really going to pay off big-time, playa. Try keeping your dehydrated mashed potato flakes and your dandruff collection in different-colored boxes this week, just in case that last date ever comes back. Oh, that autobiography you wrote in l33t? Yeah dude, nobody can read that shit. This week's lucky porn cameos: Jenna Jameson in the pilot of that awesome new Hoarders spin-off, Whoreders, Big Bird in Larry Bird: Big Bird, The Ghost of John Holmes in everything else you watch because you burnt that shit into your plasma, dumbass, and â€¦wait, Ron Jeremy in your wedding video? WTF?

Try again later.

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2.	The Bourne Insolvency
3.	The Bourne Cat Fancy
4.	The Bourne Schenectady
5.	The Bourne Macaroni and Cheez

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