Welcome back readers, Orson Welch here again. Hope you haven't had to sit through anything horrible since the last time we met. To answer the common question in the reader emails I received this week, yes, Roland McShyster is still on hiatus and from what I've heard and smelled he's still drunk as an ox in a garter belt. Though he is doing well enough to have egged my house last week, so fear not for his strength, fair readers. One thing I have to say is boy, commune readers really know how to give a guy a warm welcome. Your ironic faux-hate mail has warmed my heart, and I promise you all I'll impale myself on a rusty robot's dong quite soon, wink wink. Now let's check out the movies!


In Theaters



The Backyard

Backyard wrestling on the big screen? I haven't seen this many nimrods get hurt since they plugged the glory hole in the men's room down at Skinflint's. I know it's a blow against high culture to say I loved this film, but come on. If reveling in the self-inflicted pain and humiliation of the kinds of guys who made my high school life a living hell is petty, then christen me Petty Officer Orson Welch, First Class. See it with a friend, or an enemy you think it might inspire.

Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star

Wow, the guy who directed D2: The Mighty Ducks and The Out-of-Towners is working again. Shouldn't he have to go door-to-door like a sex offender or something, so we know to keep our kids away from his movies? There ought to be a law, I'd say. I suppose the film was okay, in the sense that nobody was killed during the making, though after seeing it I'm not entirely sure that is a good thing. A good number of these people could use a wake-up call.

Jeepers Creepers 2

I won't glorify the first film by using the word "original" to denote that this is the second time they've dragged this lame idea out onto the highway and let it flop around for a while. Director Victor Salva, of such noted horror flicks as Clownhouse, Nature of the Beast and Powder, came back for some unknown reason to do the sequel. Perhaps it was out of fear that the studio might send some kind of hokey flesh-eating bat person to crawl up his ass if he refused. The resulting film, well, resulted, and no one can argue that he didn't finish the movie. Hey, fuck off; I'm trying to be nice here.

The Order

The best thing about this upcoming crap cake is that it was originally titled The Sin Eater. How that embarrassing tidbit ever made it out of Brian Helgeland's bedroom in the first place is a testament to the fact that Hollywood couldn't find a clue even if it were drenched in bimbo musk. The funniest part is that they never even figured out that the title was a terrible idea, they had to change the name because it was too close to that of the unfinished Wes Craven project, The Skin Eater. You may remember Helgeland from the last time he spit up in your lap, 2001's A Knight's Tale, or from when he directed Mel Gibson's uberflop Payback back in 1999, a film Gibson made solely to punish his fans who thought he looked a little fat in Lethal Weapon 3. Oh, and he also wrote The Postman. Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Party Monster

The gals who brought you The Eyes of Tammy Faye chime in again with this look at a killer gay club boy who was cute until he hit his teenage years and then killed his roommate. No, it's not about Macaulay Culkin, though he does happen to star. The film itself was only mid-level putrid, but really the thing I kept wondering was how can a film like this get the support of the gay community when Basic Instinct didn't? So you're telling me gay folks can make homo-slasher films until the cows come home but a straight director tosses a murderous fuzzbumper or two into the mix and suddenly it's a major crime? Was it because she was bi? I hear that kind of stuff pisses some people off, which I understand. The last thing I need is to come home to find my girl in bed with my best friend's girlfriend, who used to be mine. Talk about getting the shit end of the stick on both ends. God that would piss me off.


That's what we've got for you this week, readers, hope it saved you from having to leave the house unnecessarily. I'll be back in two weeks, and you keep that hilarious faux-hate mail coming, okay?

August 18, 2003
Hello, commune readers and wayward porn seekers. Orson Welch typing to you from the soothing beige confines of my suburban home. I'll be filling in for the commune's regular film reviewer for the time being, as his recent lost weekend has stretched... (8/18/03)

August 4, 2003
Well how the hell are ya, America? Excuse my saucy tone, but I'm fuckin' smashed. That's right… wait, what were we talking about? Movies! Blow 'em out your ass, America! I'm fuckin' sick of movies, this week we're going to review vegetables.... (8/4/03)

July 21, 2003
Glad you finally came around, America, welcome back to Entertainment Police. What have we got for you this week? Well, before we get to that, you ever notice how I always refer to the column by "this week" when we all damn well know it only runs... (7/21/03)

July 7, 2003
All right, America, who's hungry for a movie? And I don't mean just a "popcorn" movie, as the saying goes, I'm talking a juicy, full-bodied meal of a movie. One that if you watched it every day, in ten years you'd shit out a strange, grayish thing... (7/7/03)

June 23, 2003
Crock 'a shitty-shit, America. Welcome back to Entertainment Police as we continue our wincing appraisal of this summer's ball-busting Hollywood lineup. Why the glum look? Have you been to the movies lately? This is the time of the year when the big... (6/23/03)