Nature

by Violet Tiara

September 15, 2003

Lovely limping little lepers
like to lick my Dr Pepper.
Lice feel nice as honey-nuts
buzz right up a buzzard's butt.

Screaming beetles
weave through weevils
so rude they chewed
all my Big League Chew.
"Motherfucker!" go call Smuckers
'cause I just made some weevil jam.

My own mother's been sending me Spamâ€”
Ma'am, I can only fry so much spiced ham!
"Goddamn!" that ram likes Spam.
"Get him a bib!" Shut up, I am.

Nothing's as funny as Quakers in nature
with big-ass hats and no coffee maker.
Prepare to meet your maker, Quaker,
those bears can smell that you're a faker.

Butterflies ring septic skies
like jellied lies at Mai-Tai time.
Dragonflies who thought it wise
bob in my drink with drowning cries.

"Nature's a reamed dream,"
screams a beam of impure light.
"You bet your bed on a cock fight,
so you've got no right to prophesize."

Carneys copulate with a cornucopiaâ€¦
This is a sorry excuse for Ethiopia!
Piss on this, I declare that nature is bunk!
And it smells like somebody puked on a skunk.
Camping with carneys and Quakers?
A fool's proposition!

Now get me the hell out of hereâ€”
and don't spare the ammunition!

Quote of the Day

“Christ on a bike! Did anybody else see that guy that looked just like Jesus Christ riding by on a bicycle a minute ago?”

-LeVonn Marthers

Fortune 500 Cookie

Last week was your best week; sorry we're late getting to you about that. From here on out, your life's gonna be shit on chips. Your dreams of becoming a major baseball star will be derailed this week by the fact that you couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel. Stop using the term "Gay Bash," at once: it does not mean a fun party for homosexuals. This week's lucky Bings: Crosby, Chandler, Bada, cherries, the sound of a superball being shot out of an air cannon into an old woman's neck flap.

Try again later.

Top 5 Reasons There's No Way That Asshole Can Win the Republican Nomination

1.	Too crazy/not crazy enough/not the right kind of crazy
2.	Makes swing voters shit blood at the sound of his/her name
3.	Once snorted cocaine off the belly of an underage Thai hooker who believes in big government
4.	Has been photographed not trying to kill Obama with their bare hands
5.	Can read

Waiter!
"A ball bearing wearing ranch dressing blessing Blanche's wedding? Upsetting," Ted grieved as he weaved his sleeve. "Hey, what did you say?" Nate was late. "Speak up toward my head, Ted." "Whose blues did Louis use?" Ted said. "Choose? I... (9/1/03)

What Holds It All Together
I'm careful with my stapler-- I use it when I have to, but I try not to be wasteful, lest the staples disappear I rarely use my Scotch tape; most things have to be stapled. I use paperclips aplenty, but my tape might last all year The... (8/18/03)

Wet the Ted
Loosely Ted did wet the bed, though none of the neighbors could hear. Not even when Teddy, his day wrecked already, wet the pillow with one salty tear. The bedroom was silent while in calculations violent Theodore did ponder his fate.... (8/4/03)