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08/1/25   
Sure as shit, but smelling sweeter

Volume 54

bio/email
October 27, 2003
Dear commune:

Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldn’t play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion King’s thing! What’s wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they won’t eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but that’s a small price to pay I say.

Darla Price
Brooklyn, NY


Dear Darla:

We couldn’t agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think you’re crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang you’re trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion King’s dong. It’s hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn increased scrutiny to their puerile antics, but this has been going on for generations. Our only outrage is this: What did those screwballs at Disney think the Little Mermaid was going to do with that golden dork on the cover anyway? From all the angles we’ve been able to freeze-frame, she’s alarmingly short on orifices. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for your utter lack of a social life. Word to the wise: Just because you can whistle catcalls out your nose doesn’t mean you should.


Quote of the Day
“Freedom is a fragile thing, and must be protected; however, it is nowhere near as fragile as my aunt's vase, so it seems a fair exchange to lock you in your room for two weeks, you little hooligan.”

-Mom
Fortune 500 Cookie
More fruit, dammit!—more fruit, I say! Time to give up the blackmail scheme; there's no getting blood from a stone. Flush once for yes, twice for no. You'll bury all your old grudges this week, and grandpa—sorry, I suppose we could have let you know in a nicer way. Bad dog goes horrible dog this weekend.


Try again later.
Top Worst Opening Lines to Novels
1.It was the best of times, no question about it.
2.Call me Crenshaw, Ishmael's brother.
3.I had been up for three days doing coke, paranoid they were going to catch me after I sunk the company with my idiotic business practices; then, my fa
4.I have only eaten three people in my life—this is that story.
5.So I said to my friend Charlie, "Hey, I'm going to write a novel where nothing at all happens," so welcome to it.
Archives
Volume 53
Dear commune: Would the commune eat me, if I had a body made of cake? You don’t know that it isn’t. Would the commune lick the frosting off my buttercup? That doesn’t mean you’re gay. Just that you like cake! And who doesn’t like cake?... (10/13/03)

Volume 52
Dear commune: You ever notice how people are really nice to you when they’re trying to get into your pants? I’m serious, it makes a huge difference. I used to think that men were just a lot nicer than women, who sometimes can seem like a bunch... (9/29/03)

Volume 51
Dear commune: Just a thought, but it strikes me that commune readers never really got to hear how the commune and its staff were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Since your offices are located in NYC, it must have had some kind of impact, right?... (9/15/03)

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