You need a newer browser.

06/13/26   
Like lamb on acid

The Raccoon Killer

by Violet Tiara
bio/email
November 24, 2003
On golden gilded lapis lazuli
the gnome was homely, old and plain.
Byzantine tattoos on his brain
made him think the world insane.

"Lichens liken to Vicodin dreams…
rolled oats, old goats, matriarchs."
A Chicano girl named Rosa Parks
mumbled something in the dark.

"I am the Duke of lukewarm duke,"
he tried the title on for size.
Mercury tears welled up in his eyes,
round and hot like blueberry pies.

"I am the size of the simpleton skies?"
he ventured a stab at identity.
A raccoon laughed down from a tree
remembering something he saw on TV.

"It is no use, I have no use,
I'm decidedly uninteresting."
Bees flew by, to sting something
more interesting than he.

The sun went down like a hooker on a clown
and the night gave the gnome no relief.
He sat in the dark with his lack of a spark
as the raccoon teased "Where's the beef?"

And the morning was the same as the frogs called his name
and the dragonflies dragged things about.
The crickets sang a song and the raccoon hummed along
as the gnome thumbed all of his nose hairs in doubt.

By the noontime it was bright as the land was drenched in light
but in darkness the gnome sat darkly in despair
The raccoon said while yawning the gnome held no hope of spawning
"And by the way you are losing your hair."

Something snapped and in the shock the gnome bent and picked a rock
which with a mighty flinging fling he flung it.
And when all was done and said the raccoon was stone dead
before the gnome had really realized he'd done it.

Seeing the raccoon lying stiff though did not cause a tear of whiff
inside the gnome who rather felt quite cheery.
For he'd found it, don't you see? Finally found a thing to be.
"Raccoon Killer? Now that doesn't sound so dreary!"


Quote of the Day
“Be always on the phone, so that when the devil calls, he will get your voicemail.”

-St. Jerry
Fortune 500 Cookie
Just because you don't like the message, don't waste your time killing the messenger. John of Lancaster already took care of that for you 500 years ago. New scientific breakthroughs now make it possible to wash your hair while it's still attached to your head: no more tedious cutting and re-attaching with naval knots. Try to remember: Chex are for breakfast, checks are for paying bills. You will mix those up again this week. This week's lucky dogs: Lassie's offspring still living off residuals, all Irish breeds, and the two-legged one-balled variety.


Try again later.
Least Popular Baby
Names, 2005
1.Katrina
2.Gigli
3.Scott Peterson
4.The King of Pop
5.Skullfuck
Archives
Chase the Weasel
All around the Crunchberry bowl the monkey chased the weasel. The monkey thought it was fuckin' funny until "POP!" goes the weasel! The fucking weasel exploded, I'm not kidding. It was fuckin' raunchy. Up and down the hallway stairs ... (11/10/03)

Deuce
slapped so hard his beak was loose. But Bruce and Luce they called truce, and drank a can of blue moose juice. The goose he drank it through a sluice. Norman Snoran, small recluse, lives deep inside a red caboose. He's solitary, one... (10/27/03)

Radiation Plantation
"Radiation Plantation," I spoke the information. "Scott?" Scott blew snot on a pink carnation. "Ready the gammaram, and prepare for floatation." "Aye aye, captain," he replied as he spied a crustacean. So at last we'd found... (10/13/03)

more