Live and Let Di

January 19, 2004

I don't want to step on commune conspiracy-factory Red Bagel's toes at all here, but word on the street is that Prince Charles conspired with the British M5 to have Diana and Dodi Fayed killed, to prevent Di from dropping the bombshell secret that Charles is actually a really dull guy. Something about popcorn nazis on mopeds shooting out the car's tires, I don't know. I didn't say the word on the street wasn't stupid.

Looks like Michael Jackson pleaded "Not Guilty" to those charges of child molestation the other day, then ran out of the courtroom and jerked off onto a crowd of adoring fans. It really makes you wonder. Who are these goddamned fans? It's one thing to go on TV to publicly show your naive support for a child molester slash possible X-files case. But Christ in a boat, you're still buying this guy's albums? That's something you might want to keep to yourselves, kids. Some facts just aren't made for the public arena. This is when you're supposed to turn your back on the guy and tell your friends you only pretended to like Thriller because you wanted to support recently-black entertainers.

But there's just no hope for some people. These are the folks who still believe Nichole Simpson and Ron Goldman killed each other, forget about it. Sometimes I think these celebrity goons pick up fans every time they decapitate an ex-wife or blow a pelican, people just love conspiracy theories. Personally I think it would've been funny if the judge had held Jackson in contempt of bullshit for pleading "Not Guilty," though I guess until all the evidence is in it's not perjury unless he pleads "Not Creepy."

It's actually kind of sad when a former celebrity does something awful and there aren't enough insane fans left over to insist he's not guilty. Like Robert Blake, it must suck to be that guy. Sure, Bob, you ran back in that Denny's real quick after realizing you left your gun on the table (I've been there!) and wouldn't you know it? Some fucker picks that exact moment to shoot the batshit mooch of a conwoman you got stuck marrying. Happens to the best of us, Bobby, sorry to hear it was you this time around. Can't believe the cops even had the balls to trouble you with that nonsense.

Actually I wish I were a better liar because I'd love to be the guy on TV crying "Barretta would never do a thing like that!" They could play that at my wake, it'd be awesome.

Come to think of it, I might be able to turn this into a kind of second career, or eighth if you're counting at home. I could rent myself out to nearly forgotten celebrities who get themselves into legal trouble as a true believer kind of fan, sort of a PR thing for stars who didn't have the good sense to pull off their felonious hijinks while they were still popular. You laugh now, but what about when you turn on your TV next month and see Homer VanSlyke in front of the courthouse for the Phil Spector trial, yelling "No! 'Be My Baby!' Say it ain't so!"?

You'll be laughing a different tune then.

Milestones

2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.

Now Hiring

Director of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.

Top Racially Insensitive Desserts

1.	Mint Jew Lips
2.	Negroreos
3.	Vanilla Dick
4.	Mr. Li's Chocolate Chink Ice Cream
5.	The Dirty Spaniard Sundae from Baskin Robbins

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