Fuckin' Cold

by Dixon LaRue

January 26, 2004

It's cold outside
Fuckin' cold
Like a snowman's icy balls
Like a dead Eskimo stuck to a flag pole
Up in Ugunumtwat, Alaska.
That cold.

Why does it get so cold?
Because God don't love you no more
Charlie.
Suck on that for a while.

No actually it's because the sun
Is two-timing us with China
Over there shining up the place
Making everybody warm and happy
While we scrape ice off a dead caribou's eyeballs.

Those Chineses
Sit and bitch about the heat
In their silly language
While our screams are drowned out
By the wind
That's colder than a penguin's cold white taint.

The sun's over there
Laughing it's Chinese-loving ass off at you
While you've got snow down your butt crack
And your car's frozen to the garage.

Nice deal, huh?
Well that's winter, baby.
Also there's the cruel tilt of the earth
That always makes sure
We get the shit end of the sun stick,
Shunted off like the globe's redheaded stepchild
Right to the back of the bus.

So it's cold
Colder than a witch's tit
Colder than a Polish monkey's ass in December
So cold you can hear your balls clattering together,
no kidding.

So cold you go blind because your brain
Is diverting all excess blood to your lungs
So you can scream "Holy shit!"

You can scream all you want
But you ain't getting any ice cream.

Milestones

2002: Office prick and former Acting-Editor Ramrod Hurley successfully turns 30, leading us on an endless week-long binge of bitching, moaning, and strange acts of vandalism we hope not to repeat this year.

Now Hiring

Big Fat Patsy. 'Cause we're not taking the rap for this, see. We must look like a real all-day sucker to you, yeah, a sucker, with a big fat wrapper. Boy, should we have seen it coming! Played like a two-bit piano from day one. Backstabbing dames need not apply.

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