I'm too sickened to even lecture you today. Someone killed Gorodon, my level 4 elf yesterday. I dedicate this column to his memory, and may Chet, our Dungeon Master, spend eternity plagued by the harm he's done.


In Theaters

The Last Samurai
I have a feeling I would have found the next-to-last samurai much more plausible. Come, watch Hollywood's attempt to make a foreign film, playing by their own rules. Producers very much wanted a movie filled with the epic scope of Kurosawa's huge samurai epics, but didn't want to force American audiences to stare at a scary, unknown face of someone not white for a whole two hours. Enter Tom Cruise, and exit Orson Welch.

Calendar Girls
Clearly the failure of this movie demonstrates how much audiences wanted to think about old women naked. Take the articulate storytelling of Showgirls and add to it the sex appeal of Cocoon, then ship it straight to video because your theater will be empty. Frankly, it's hard to understand the reasoning here—two hours of nude women is misogynistic, add forty years to all of them and suddenly you have a warm chick flick? Decide what you want, ladies, then get back to us.

Girl With a Pearl Earring
A costume drama with no drama. The title is also the name of a painting, and the film would be hard to distinguish from it since neither moves very much. I've seen Girl With a Pearl Necklace and it wasn't much on plot, but at least it had a big finish. Still, if watching big-name actors ponce around in stockings and bustles, speaking with accents in dull tones makes an artsy film for you, this movie fits all qualifications. Watch it instead of C.S.I. one night and feel like a well-rounded person.


That's all for me. Until next time, remember: They don't make movies like they used to, and even then they didn't really impress me much.

April 19, 2004
Holy crap, America. That just about sums it up, doesn't it? Kind of makes you wonder why all those philosophers throughout history wasted so much of our time with their excess verbiage. Speaking of such, let's cut to the chase and chase down this... (4/19/04)

April 5, 2004
I'm afraid during my long absence the movies haven't gotten any better. Waiting for Hollywood to start turning out art is quite equivalent to waiting for a train at a bus stop. Still, with the amount of pure, uncut horseshit shoveled in our... (4/5/04)

March 15, 2004
Get out of my office, America. You what? You came for the movie views and reviews? Well nevermind then, pull up a chair. I thought you were someone else. Those vultures collecting for the film critics' pension plan won't leave me alone. I say if... (3/15/04)