New Diet!

Quiet!

I'm going on a new diet!

Now don't deny it,
you know you wanna try it!
Because a diet's way easier to do
when the whole big world's
on it with you!

Gonna lose that baby fat
that's been lurking around my tummy
like a tapeworm
wrapped 'round a mummy!
No more fat hanging around my belly
like an unwelcome bowl full of jelly!

And my new diet's political too!
No more dolphin tuna for you-know-who!
World poverty? Gonna defeat it!
World suffering? Not gonna eat it!

No carbs for me,
And no nards for me neither!
I'm so hungry I could eat
the gonads off a nomad!
But that would make me so sad
since they're high in Zinc.
So none for me, wink wink!

Back to nature I say!
Get out of my way!
I'm hungry enough to eat a squirrel
or the jock strap off of Milton Berle!

That's nature's way!
And starting today
no more sun-dried tomatoes. I'll pass-a,
because that sun's full of chemicals from NASA!

I'll eat like an ape
before nature was raped
by hairspray and glue.
That's what I'll do!
What I understand from the zoo
is that they get by mostly on popcorn and candy.

I like popcorn and candy!

That's it!
I'll only eat things that fell on the ground
like anchovies or discarded ground round!
I'll eat till I sick up
all the things I could pick up
if I were naked and wild,
and the donuts were piled
in the woods by the birds
instead of bird turds.

Do you think bacon counts?
I like bacon.
I'm pretty sure I could pick some up bacon naked
if everyone else in the store was distracted.

I'll be a fruititarian
and only eat from the aquarium!
I'll be more vegan
than Ronald Reagan!
I'll show that Atkins
I can eat only bat shins!
I'll go macrobiotic
like an Asian psychotic!
I'll go all Christian Outreach
on that there South Beach!

And if John Tesh invents a diet?

I'll try it!

Ooh, Jesus. These pork rinds are sal-ty!

This diet needs some beer, and quick!

Peace Frog
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Dromediary
Long and hairy luminaries hang from the sky and dangle scary fingers downward in repose just itching to twitch and pick my nose. Prescient crescents— the cartoon moons fill the sky to seven deep with beauty to cause my golden weep as I... (10/18/04)

Ray Manatino's Half-Remembered Classics
Jack Sprat could eat no fat but his wife was a big fat bitch. Shit could she eat, she ate all my beets and my pickled pig's feets. Next week poker's at your house, Jack. The itsy, bitsy, spider crawled up the water spout. I almost fucking died,... (9/20/04)