Welcome back to the first Orson Welch column of the holiday season, my friends. It should come as no shock that I reject all holidays as artifices of organized religion, and Thanksgiving is nothing more than an attempt gloat stolen land over the Native Americans, as well as move a few Butterball turkeys, since no one ever eats a whole turkey anymore these days. Oh, conveniently enough, we're speaking of turkeys… how do the new DVD releases for the next two weeks fit into that?

In Theaters

The Bourne Supremacy
The producers have the gall to claim this was based on a book, but I'm pretty sure Matt Damon has never been a favorite literary character of mine. And even the prose of Robert James Waller couldn't nauseate like the epileptic-in-a-blender camerawork in this quick-shat sequel to The Bourne Identity. Apparently in that one Bourne must have found out who he is—someone supreme. Possibly a burrito.

Dodgeball
Ben Stiller stars as Jim Carrey in a movie most likely conceived by you and a friend while making fun of Caddyshack. Vince Vaughan leads a pack of losers against a pack of more muscular losers on the dodgeball court, with the objective being to sell tickets to the biggest losers in the world. Take this as the final proof, moviegoers—Hollywood doesn't like you.

I, Robot
Nearly halfway through the film I realized Will Smith wasn't supposed to be the robot. Hard casting decision there. This is the first of a potential series of movies based on a series of books by the late author Isaac Asimov, and having seen this movie, I'm glad he's dead. Make no mistake, I enjoyed the man's empirical take on science-fiction and the well-crafted world he presented to his readers, but if he had lived to see this on the screen he would have programmed a robot specifically to kill him. Once again I warn authors everywhere: Do not publish your books. Keep them under your bed, or share them with a short list of friends. If you put them out there in public, the morons will find them and turn them into something like this. I will give three stars to Asimov himself for refusing to live long enough to see this happen. No stars for you, bad movie.

As we part once again, I would like to ask everyone to boycott Christmas wrapping this year. It is garish, childish, and my parents always make me clean it up after the wreckage of opened presents is finally revealed. Yes, I know I said I boycott the holidays—I don't boycott presents. I'm not a fool. But they can say their own grace over the dinner table, I'll tell you that.

November 29, 2004
Well fancy that, America. If I've ever seen anything fancier, I failed to be adequately impressed and eventually forgot that I saw it. Maybe I have a problem. But there's no time for that right now, Hollywood's been cranking out the skank while we... (11/29/04)

November 15, 2004
Good evening, movie-going masses. I really enjoy CGI-animated movies. Maybe that's not true, but I really enjoy I don't actually have to see Ben Affleck's face, I'm only forced to hear his grating voice. Still, I must ask, so I do not feel alone on... (11/15/04)

November 1, 2004
Yoho, America. It hasn't exactly been a pirate's life for Roland McS lately, though I did get seasick the other day after taking a nap on a friend's waterbed. Okay, you caught me in a lie there; I didn't actually know the guy. But this isn't a... (11/1/04)