A Fistful of Tannenbaum, Chapter 13: Long Way Down

Editor's Note: Intrepid mega-millionaire hero Jed Foster and his sex buddy Daisy Miller have just escaped their shackles, but are still quite fucked by being in the world's biggest plane, carrying the world's biggest bomb. There's no parachutes and the Bomb of Ages is ready to drop at any second.

"I've never been in a situation so deadly!" exclaimed Daisy Miller, forgetting a weekend in Thailand she once had.

"Shut-up," demanded Foster, in a nice way. He again politely ordered Daisy to help him pry the control panel off the Bomb of Ages. "There's got to be a way to defuse this thing! What do you think… should I snip the red wire or the blue wire?"

Daisy quickly surveyed the interior of the bomb. "No luck! It's all digital. A circuit board bomb."

"Damn you, technology!" cursed Jed. He started randomly punching things, but Daisy assured him it wouldn't have the desired effect.

"All bombs made in the last ten years are punch-proof," she said. "Too many bomb squads were hiring a lot of muscle-bound dumb guys to defuse everything, then the bomb-makers got wise to it. We have to find the control chip to sabotage the bomb. But to do that… one of us will have to climb deep inside the bomb itself!"

"We should do potatoes for it," said Jed, but then rethought it. "No—if anybody's going to climb inside this bomb it's going to be me. After all, this is kind of my doing anyway."

"How so?"

He had hoped she wouldn't ask that. Jed shut her up again, this time with a long, romantic kiss, like how they kiss on Queer as Folk, only with a guy and girl. They stared long into each others' eyes, and Daisy saw a cataract starting.

"Oh, Jed…!"

"No time for tears," said Jed, and was reminded a shampoo slogan. "Quick—take this last parachute and jump."

"But Jed…!"

"Dammit, woman, I'm tired of you not completing your sentences! Now put this parachute on and jump for it!"

And before she had time to argue, since she would not have willingly jumped from the plane, Jed quickly strapped the love of his life (he just realized she was the love of his life) and pushed her forcefully from the plane.

As she fell and screamed and called him unpleasant names, Jed crawled into the bomb, which was so tight he had to suck in his ab-tight gut. He crawled toward the tip, where all nuclear devices pack the extra dynamite they carry, and started searching for the control chip thing Daisy had made reference to.

Then he saw it—a bright red squarish triangle with a big green "C" marked on it, for "control." Using his miniature toolbox, Jed took out a flathead screwdriver and unseated the chip. Then, he ate it, just to be sure it wouldn't accidentally fall out of his hand and set off the bomb. Then, he ate some more of the insides of the bomb, since the first piece wasn't so bad.

Then the bomb exploded—no joke. It turns out the "C" stood for "C this motherfucker explode when you pull this chip." Which is really not playing fair at all, but these are the bad guys.


Next Chapter: Foster in Time

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