Greetings, America, Roland McShyster’s got a hola-ta love for you this week as we’ve officially crossed the threshold into blockbuster season, and I don’t mean the dying retail chain patronized by the last ten people on earth who’ve never heard of Netflix. This is the time of year that makes movie buffs go: *orgasm sound*. So strap on your homemade reverse-camelback piss-collecting device and let’s go bilk the local multiplex out of some free air conditioning!

Live Free or Die Hard
Really more of a 120 minute Viagra commercial than a movie, LFDH stars America’s man Bruce Willis as a former cop who realizes "I’m potent" sounds like "impotent" when you say it too fast or in the South, and this realization, in concert with accidentally seeing costar Kathy Bates naked, renders him permanently flaccid and in search of a boner donor. Lots of action and shootouts ensue. Unfortunately, however, laws requiring the disclosure of all the drug’s side-effects mean that the entire second half of the movie is one long monologue so dense with medical terminology you’ll be shouting back at the screen "Whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis?"

Pilates of the Caribbean 2: At World’s Fair
Finally, the Pilates workout craze has made it to the big screen at last, and not a moment too soon. Who knew it originated in the Caribbean? I did. Welcome to the party, you’re late. As if it even matters in an action-packed Pilates movie, but the plot’s no rough shakes, either: something about the World’s Fair and doing Pilates there. If that’s not enough to hook you, you hate movies. Jonny Depp is his usual ripped self as a dude drunk on the power of Pilates and eager to spread the word to new lands. And Keira Knightley is so hot she’ll give you babestroke.

Shrek the Turd
Every installment in this series just gets smarter than the one before.

Three Spider-Men
and a Baby
You won’t believe what the Spider-Men have caught in their web this time—it’s a baby. Trust me when I say you’re not ready for the hilarity of three Spider-Men trying to take care of a snotty tyke with shitted-up diapers. Spider-Man, Evil Spider-Man and Peter Parker, or as he is more commonly known, Naked Spider-Man, get the laughs rolling early, and the film’s script does a deft job of dodging and weaving around the fact that all three are the same guy and therefore can’t appear onscreen simultaneously. Evil Spider-Man is an especially welcome addition to the troupe as the straight man who’s always the butt of the other two’s puns. And the film mines consistent laughs out of Evil Spider-Man not being served anywhere because people think he’s black on account of his costume. I for one hope they continue the franchise, because I’d love to see three Hulks dogsitting for the weekend or three Batmans going to PTA meetings. It took them a while, but Hollywood finally found a comic book movie formula that works.


And that’s all he wrote, ladies and germtlemen. I hope you’re enjoying the return of the sun after that long, slow crawl through winter and are enjoying it in style: inside with the AC on max. Join us next time when we’ll give the bloated, maggot-ridden corpse of Hollywood another kick and see if it farts. Until then, I’m Roland McShyster!

May 7, 2007
We’re heading into the biggest blockbuster summer in the last few years like a cannonball, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them get the jump on me just because they’re too afraid to send me screeners of their mega-hit films. I’m going to go... (5/7/07)

April 16, 2007
Hola shit, gringos. It’s south- of-the- border Roland McShyster coming to you from our continental neighbors, Mexico. Cancun is all ablaze with its usual brilliance as young people flock by the hundreds to the international Wordloaf festival. That... (4/16/07)

April 9, 2007
It’s been a month since I last reviewed Hollywood’s latest films—but more importantly, it’s been a March. You all know what March means? Hollywood dumps its very worst on you. Even Hollywood has one night stands with directors and... (4/9/07)

April 2, 2007
Buenos Greetos, America! Do you know what time it is? No, I’m serious, somebody replaced my wall clock with half a live chicken and I have no idea what time it is. Come to think of it, I hope to hell that’s a whole live chicken with only the... (4/2/07)