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March 15, 2004   
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Negative Ads Nastiest Ever

March 15, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Snapper McGee's TV
One the first in this season's line of vicious political "snaps."
I
n what some broadcasters are calling "news," negative ads have come from both camps lately attacking the leading presidential candidates George W. Bush and John Kerry. Making the ads particularly noticeable is the level of enmity and unfounded allegation passing muster in attempts to gain early lead in the presidential race.

Democratic debates for the past several weeks, indeed as early as they started, painted unpleasant, however true, pictures of President Bush as a "man" out of touch with the people and leading America down a path toward unjustified war and economic chaos. Bush, sitting on a monster-sized war chest of campaign finance, reserved specific retaliations until John Kerry emerged as the Democratic front-runner. Many theorize Bush was urged to action by comments ...Read more...

White House to Outsource Vice-Presidency, Supreme CourtMarch 15, 2004
Washington, D.C.
Whit Pistol
The Supreme Court (below) is one of the many prominent government positions the Bush administration proposes to outsource to eager overseas workers, like New Delhi's Najina Wuhari (top).
I
n an unprecedented display of commitment to job outsourcing, the White House announced Thursday that several of its own positions, including the vice presidency, would be outsourced starting in 2005. The declaration came as a shock at a time when the subject of job outsourcing has raised controversy about job loss in the United States.

Citing statistics showing increased profits and reduced overhead in outsourcing, and addressing the prominent issue of the growing multi-trillion national deficit, the Bush administration promised outsourcing key administrative positions, not only in the White House but Congress and the Supreme Court as well, to overseas companies would bring the federal budget back in line and produce "exciting, proactive solutions to government problems." Read more...

Internet blogs bring self-obsessed whiners right into your living room
Suspected mad cow just has poor coping skills
The sign doesn't say anything about no pants, fascists
Hostage-happy terrorists abducting other terrorists



January 10, 2005
Click for Biography

Rebirthed

Finally, it's a New Year. I thought last year would never end, back when it was February. Then I forgot all about it until December. All of a sudden it's January. Did we have a January last year? I don't remember us having one, but it doesn't mean there wasn't.

A lot of good things happened last year—I got fired. That wasn't good for me, but someone must have enjoyed the hell out of it. I kept getting postcards rubbing it in all year long. Right up until November 9, I got one every week. It always read something like, "Enjoying homelessness?" and stuff like that. "Ha ha ha," to infinity. I wouldn't have thought you could fit so many "ha's" on a single postcard, but this guy did, consistently. Or it could have been a girl. I never figured out who sent them, because I didn't w...Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Learning without thought is labor lost; except in public schools, where it keeps most teachers employed.”

-Confused-ass Carmen
Fortune 500 Cookie
You'll have a brush with death this week, and that fucker has some of the yellowest teeth you've ever seen, so make sure you go first. This time the lyrics to the song you're pretending to know the words to actually are "Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon." You'll make the most expensive movie ever made in your kitchen this week, for ten dollars. Lucky strikes, camels, kools, and bel-airs.


Try again later.
Top 5 Other Hasselhof Home Videos
1.Whoopsh!: Outtakes From the Drinking Videos
2.5 hours straight of sucking in gut until a rib pops out
3.All-nude Batwatch starring some girls from the escort service
4.Intense argument with his car over who is the real star of Knight Rider
5.Imaginary non-German music awards show where Hasselhoff sweeps every category
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Rover Finds Ted Kennedy’s Face on Martian Surface

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BY roland mcshyster
12/13/2004
Greetings, America! I hope you enjoyed the trip and didn't encounter any disturbing horse porn on your way over. We're here, as we always are, time without end, to lend a judging hand as Hollywood turns its head and coughs up another week's worth of ripe, ripe shwag. So let's waste no more time before scraping together Hollywood's best efforts with the side of a credit card and exposing them to the cold, cold light of day, shall we?


In Theaters Now:

House of Flying Buggers
The most depressing of the many downsides to the recent kung-fu swordfighting movie epidemic has been the new life breathed into the unfortunate "Redneck Karate" subgenre. Aimed at audiences who like powerful ass-kicking without all the mystical crap or Chinese people,...Read more...