ook County Circuit Judge Vincent Gaughan granted alleged musician R. Kelly permission to attend this month’s Grammy awards in a decision handed down this week, on the condition that Kelly avoid all contact with fellow age-of-consent-impaired hit factory Michael Jackson during the ceremony. Though unexpected, legal experts are applauding the judge’s decision as a deft move likely to quell public fears that the two might swap child-molesting secrets backstage at the awards ceremony.

Kelly, nominated for two Grammies for his double-platinum album that’s actually titled “Chocolate Factory,� is awaiting trial on child pornography charges stemming from a 2002 video that allegedly shows the R&B singer engaging in sexual acts with a 14-year-old girl. A spokesperson from Kelly’s record label was unable to confirm if the video in question was for a cut off Kelly’s new album, or if it was one of several previous music videos showing the singer engaging in sexual acts with 14-year-old girls.

While many have applauded Judge Gaughan’s move, some have called it unnecessary considering that Jackson isn’t nominated for any Grammies this year and will likely only show his face if he can sneak it through the bomb-detecting machines at event security. Gaughan, however, defends the efforts to prevent his own personal vision of hell from coming true.

“Because I feel that it’s in the best public interest for Mr. Kelly to be able to attend this ceremony, I won’t deprive the world of the soulful beats and funky grooves of his child-fucking music,� explained Gaughan. “From ‘Freak You Weekly’ to ‘Stained Retainer,’ Kelly has long captured the essence of lusting after the unattainable, not-quite-ripe fruit. However, there’s something very wrong about imagining Kelly hanging out with a ripe fruit like Michael Jackson, and I won’t have that on my watch. Especially after I’ve just eaten. Likely or not, America can’t afford to see the two of them together at the Grammies, the Oscars, or even at a Yankees game this summer. And God forbid I see pictures of those two parasailing in Cancun on some kind of child molester double-date vacation at some point in the future. Yuck-o-rama.�

Scandal first found Kelly in 1994, when he produced Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number, the debut album of 15-year-old R&B sensation Aaliyah, which featured a joke title that would only become funny years later. That same year Kelly and Aaliyah secretly wed, then hastily annulled after Aaliyah’s parents Naaaomben and Shizbitch Haughton forbade Kelly from getting his statutory freak on with their high-school student daughter while they were home.

Apparently emboldened by his brush with infamy, Kelly got his lawsuit on dozens of times during the second half of the decade, settling out of court on charges of allegedly impregnating a 16-year-old, coercing a 15-year-old into participating in an underage girl orgy, and abusing his responsibilities as a Girl Scout troop leader. No sooner were these suits settled than dozens more 14-year-old girls came out of the woodwork, including a Chicago-area 9th-grade health class that claimed Kelly had impersonated their teacher and sexed up the entire class one afternoon in 1996.

Despite the numerous allegations, Kelly’s career showed no ill effects, with the singer scoring two number one hits in 1999 with “Shit, This is Gettin’ Expensive� and “Girl You’re a Woman to Me.�

However in February 2002, elephant shit hit the fan when the Chicago Sun-Times reported it had found a videotape showing Kelly having sex with a 14-year-old girl, and copies of the tape in question were quickly sold as bootlegs and on the Internet. Despite the claims of authenticity in the Sun-Times promotional materials, there was some initial public question as to whether the man on the tape was really Kelly, whether the girl really was underage, and whether the action was truly “all-anal� or merely the product of deceptive camera angles. Police later confirmed the authenticity of the tape after investigating the Sun-Times’ exorbitant shipping charges.

Singer Jackson recently pleaded innocent to seven counts of performing lewd or lascivious acts on a child under 14 and two counts of administering an intoxicating agent, then went on some weird rant about how he calls wine “Jesus Juice� and kids should be able to drink juice.

iting a moral obligation to use all quasi-legal means at his disposal to protect the sanctity of heterosexual marriage against any and all potential dangers, President Bush used his State of the Union address last Tuesday to call for a preemptive strike against the future threat of gay marriage. In the speech, Bush suggested that since the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled last year that a ban on same-sex marriages was in clear violation of the US Constitution, the clear answer was to amend the Constitution and take out the part where fags can get married.

Conservatives, still upset about the 1967 Supreme Court decision that struck down state laws banning interracial marriages, applauded Bush's medicine ball-sized cajones. Meanwhile, all remaining Democratic candidates whiffed at the issue completely, knocking over the T-ball stand. Off the record, however, one candidate whose name rhymes with "you thin bitch" pointed out that despite his grave concern for the state of this sacred institution, Bush made no mention of other, more widespread threats to the sanctity of marriage, including spousal abuse, astronomical divorce rates and Britney Spears.

"I've taken it upon myself the responsibility to halt the crusading of activist judges who, I might remind you, were not elected," Bush paused for a moment during the speech for his point to sink in. The effect was not what the president had probably intended, however, since none of the assembled reporters were sure if by this he meant that judges weren't reflecting the will of the people, or if Bush was attempting to appear smarter by comparing himself to a judge, since he wasn't elected either.

"I think we might have to have a look here at that Constitution," Bush commented wryly, staring down his nose through an imaginary pair of glasses. "And make sure the founding fathers didn't sneak any other unpatriotic bits into the fine print."

When asked later if he thought the American people should vote on the contents of the Constitution every year, to prevent the document from ever conflicting with contemporary mores, whims or prejudices, President Bush pretended a large bug had flown into his ear and he couldn't hear nothing.

Vice President Dick Cheney, put in the hilariously ironic pickle of having to support an Anti-Gay president while not appearing to squeeze one on his lesbian daughter Mary, chose his words carefully. "Uuh… gay is good. Unless you think it isn't. But I'm not touching that with a ten-foot pole. All people should be treated with respect and dignity. But we also shouldn't allow the fine institution of marriage to be sullied. Not that gay people are dirty. Can I go now?"

"All people are equal in God's sight," Bush announced charitably. "But let this be an example to the unpatriotic peoples in Europe and elsewhere who say the United States thinks it is God. We know where to draw the line on who gets to go heavily into debt while bowing to social convention, even if God doesn't."

Before being wrestled into a van by his handlers, Bush made vague mention of a proposed CIA program to weed out gay moles inside traditional marriages. While it is not clear how highly this threat to national insecurity ranks on the President's to-do list, most observers conclude it is likely nestled comfortable in-between "catch Saddama bin Laden" and "watch Ultimate Fighting Championship."

Red Bagel reporting, operating from the secret underground hovel I've been conducting all business from since Nov. 4. I plan on being here for the next four years, just so you know, but I'm still open to communication through a short list of contacts I trust. Oh, shit—I have to revise the list. I forgot Paulie never returned that Sting CD of mine. I don't need that kind of man having access to me.

The information flowing to me in the wake of the recent presidential election… it's nothing short of overwhelming. Voter fraud and intimidation, handed down at all levels, including the president himself, appears to have been commonplace in every single state. Actually, I have reports on it from both sides in this election, but since the Democrats fucked themselves on this go-round, I'm only investigating the Republicans right now.

Starting with Ohio—the confused, barren wasteland that decided this election. Fortunately Michael Moore was on the scene with cameras in this and other battleground states; unfortunately for us, most of the vital voter-intimidating was not captured, as untrustworthy camera operators misused the equipment to capture "voters gone wild" outside the polling places. I found out, from some dismayed voters, extremely personal questions were asked of minority voters before they were allowed to enter the voting booth. Their names, street addresses, and whether or not they usually voted in that district, or similar invasive questions were asked. Some vote challengers even asked to see identification, and wouldn't accept the word of a friend named Jay-Bee. I was even more distressed to find out, since Bush stole the election in 2000, all this has been legalized in determining voter eligibility.

More blatant instances of voter intimidation did occur, though. An anonymous voter from just outside Dayton detailed how vote challengers required him to dress up as a character from television's Little House on the Prairie—perhaps Nellie Perkins—and chucked apples at him for their own amusement. One black voter from Cleveland described a heavyset Republican vote challenger who wore his hair in a greasy pompadour—immensely intimidating. Down in the south, some voting officials were described wearing cowboy hats and mirrored sunglasses and calling potential voters "son" or "sweetheart," in efforts to scare them away from the poll. It's true so far that all descriptions have come from northern voters who have never been to the south, but I'm still investigating these claims. I can't rule anything out yet.

I filed a lawsuit with courts in several states to have a list of voters and who they voted for mailed to me, under the Freedom of Information Act, so I can read them aloud on television with air time purchased from my pocket. I figured that would clear up whether or not anyone was intimidated into voting for different candidates, but the government now tells me they don't have such information. Maybe they're not lying—it could have been burned already, though that's a lot of information to burn all at one time. You would think we would smell the smoke.

America turned out in record numbers to vote, and the Republican party still won. I have to ask, America: What the fuck? But I haven't lost all my faith in humanity yet. True, I won't be seeing most of you until 2008, but I still believe on some level your hand was forced by shadowy groups. And ferreting out shadowy groups… let's face it. It's my calling.

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