nother blow, and not the good kind, for oil giant Halliburton, the company once ran by Dick Cheney and now just thrown big contract bonuses by the Vice-President: The company admitted to the Securities and Exchange Commission Thursday that it paid a direct bribe to the country of Nigeria for favorable tax status in 2001 and 2002.

The payments totaling 2.4 million were revealed in a filing with the SEC to be a bribe to receive preferential tax treatment and, according to Halliburton, "clearly violated our code of business conduct." For a company that welcomes no-bid multimillion-dollar contracts by former CEOs in prime political positions, it means the act of bribing a whole nation must have been especially nasty.

The periodic payments were left in a briefcase in a basement of an industrial complex in Nigeria's neighbor Cameroon. According to Nigerian insiders, the population of the country would sneak into Cameroon late at night when its residents were asleep, pick up the briefcase and count out the money evenly before returning, leaving the rest of the world none of the wiser.

An informant at the SEC said the Commission became suspicious when Halliburton and its subsidiaries started receiving extremely beneficial tax status, coinciding with the purchase of a large number of sports cars by Nigerian residents. The small African nation also purportedly put a generous down payment on a piece of California beachfront property that raised eyebrows at the SEC.

University of Maine African Studies Professor Djimon Mubatu said those familiar with Nigeria questioned some recent developments that pointed to bribery.

"When a country's population is wearing Goodwill jeans and league bowling shirts on Sunday and then all spontaneously start wearing Gucci suits and carrying Prada bags on Monday, it does constitute suspicious behavior," said Dr. Mubatu. "Bribery isn't the first thing to cross your mind—the last time we saw something like that was when Colombia started dealing drugs back in 1981. Then, Nigeria's kissing Halliburton ass like it's a statue of the Virgin Mary, you start to get the idea."

Punishment for Halliburton was being decided by the SEC at press time, but initial thoughts on how to penalize Nigeria began almost immediately. Some in Congress and the White House worry that allowing them to escape penalty will set a bad example for other Third World countries to accept bribes from other big beltway companies.

"Our first idea was to allow our corporations free access into the country to strip its natural resources for company profit and repay their people in the lowest wages possible," said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, "but then we realized we had already been doing that for quite a while. More than likely we're looking at the idea of imposing ridiculous sanctions that only cause real harm to the poorest and most dependent citizens, leaving the wealthy and government officials basically untouched. Or failing that, military overthrow, but if we decide to go that route we'll probably wait until around, let's say, November of 2004."

The government may be dragging its heels on its chastisement of the previously-impoverished company, but others are already expressing dismay. If documentation can prove Nigeria's new wealth is a result of Halliburton bribery, officials from USA for Africa say they want all their proceeds given to the country from sales of "We Are the World" returned immediately.

tymied and Spankied by the post-Sept. 11^th political climate and a lack of clear leadership, Democrats unveiled a paradigm-rattling new look at the first debate May 3 in Columbia, South Carolina.

At the University of South Carolina in Columbia, locally referred to as the book-learnin' building, nine presidential hopefuls engaged in sharp verbal battles over key issues such as War—what is it good for? and Christ, don't the health care system suck? But the real surprise of the night was the Democratic National Committee's announcement of their 2004 makeover: "Democrats: The Other White Republicans."

According to high-ranking Democrats and their corporate masters, the new slogan and the accompanying commercial campaign will try to unite faithful Democrats who have long stood by the party with the confused, unwashed masses who have no party affiliation and typically don't vote in elections until they know which way the swing vote among the girls at Hooters is going. Also, some speculation remains that a new, stiffer image could even win over some moderate Republican voters who are a little turned off by the Bush administration's lap-dog status to fundamentalist Christian groups and salivating Pentagon contractors.

"It is clearly a new era," said obvious-stating University of South Carolina Professor and event organizer Hazburp "Hap" Golord. "Democrats who support social programs and not using the impoverished for stem-cell research are continually losing favor with the population. Questioning and challenging military and business industrial complexes is out, being whipped and brutalized with a smile is in. Never let it be said the Democrats can't play ball—we're the party of Bill Bradley, former pro ball player."

Others, like the nine Democratic presidential candidates, echoed the sentiments.

"The day of the Kennedy Democrats is over," said some unmemorable besuited candidate. "In fact, all the good Kennedys are dead. Even George Kennedy. Clinton knew how to make the voters clap along by doing a lot of the same things the Republicans did, but reminding them, 'I feel your pain.' Not that he made it stop. It was more like a mutual thing: 'Ouch. Didn't that hurt? Well, what are you gonna do?'"

It was at that point the unnamed candidate continued to wander off topic and event moderator George Stephanopoulos chided him with a firm but kind, "Don't go there."

Candidate and Missouri Rep. Dick Gephardt fervently agreed, while distancing himself from his opponent. "I say my friend, whose name I cannot recall, does not go far enough. The Democrats must distinguish themselves as a party more like the Republicans than ever before. I say more rhetoric! And when the public thinks that's un-American, denounce the rhetoric you've already said. The time of seeking to stabilize our party with the votes of minorities is long gone. After all, if Florida is a key state once again, black voters will likely be as purposely disenfranchised as last time. It is up to us to seek the votes likely to go to Bush, the votes Florida will not throw away."

Longshot candidate Al Sharpton appeared to have strident words to challenge Gephardt's statement, but his reply was not heard as no one had really plugged his microphone in.

Sitting president and pretend military leader George W. Bush said he did not have comments prepared to respond to the Democratic critiques, believing the Democrats had been ousted from power by Operation Enduring Freedom.

I have been accused in the past, not here, of allowing my immense ego to get in the way of the profitability of my ventures. Not here, as I said—usually just outside the pages of the commune. Not in the park, I mean, or my personal estate, except for in the office part. Usually, it happens inside the walls of the commune offices, from around 6 in the evening to 7 p.m. Okay, Gay says it. It's all Gay saying it. He has accused me of ego-centric management.

It was not meant as a compliment either, dear readers. Gay Bagel may be my beloved brother, but it's more than clear he has a personal ax to grind with me. He believes the internet is a place to make money—clearly he has not followed the internet news since 1997. He points to successful sites and asks, "Why can't we do that?" And usually he's talking about making money. Or he poses interesting questions, like, "How does selling Romanian dick growth pills interfere with our objective journalism?" I can't really answer questions like that. I laugh way too much. But it is plainly Gay's intention to take over the commune and make it his golden ticket to Willy Wonkaville. If that makes any sense. I guess you have to see the movie or read the book.

I have been trying to keep it under my hat, where I keep my Jolly Ranchers, but Gay and I have basically settled out of court. I have agreed to allow him on staff as the Ulterior Motive Manager, Class VII, under the condition he drop the lawsuit and he can keep 50% of any profit the commune shows under his guidance. I figured it was a done deal. He would get in here, become infatuated with the slack work ethic everyone else here has, and it would rub off. But he's not rubbing the right way. He's still 100% Gay, as far as I can tell.

He has been such a depressing presence in the office many members of the staff have taken to calling him "buzzkill," because of the way they want to cut him up with a rusty saw blade. The only one who gets along with him at all is Ramrod Hurley, and we all hate him. Even eternal wart on the commune's ass Raoul Dunkin has said it is no fun to work here since Gay came aboard. But then again, he said that day in-day out before Gay arrived, too. But now I believe he means it. So we have two problems: How do we get rid of Gay Bagel? And how do we keep him from reading about our plans to get rid of him while he's editing our columns?

Of course, when I say "edit" our columns, it's more like an honorary position, like Britney Spears' vocals on her own albums. We changed everything back to how we want it after he has made his changes, and I don't believe he's noticed. We still maintain some control of the office, since I have told him the monkey has the only other spare key, and I'm not about to wrestle it from his hands. But sooner or later Gay will think to ask for a duplicate of my own key, and he might be crazy enough to wrestle me for it. Sir, I am backed up against the wall, and not like Michael Douglas in that sexy movie.

At first, compromising the commune to settle things with Gay seemed like a good idea. That was before I realized I would have to do things in a way we were both agreeable to. I won't have it, sir, I won't. If it were up to Gay, we would check employee references, write only stories based on valid sources, and buy real office furniture instead of hiring non-English speaking people to fill those positions. In short, the entire fabric of the commune as you've come to know it will unravel.

I have only one real plan to defeat Gay's aims without complication: the commune readership must drop by at least 50%, so I can justify ousting his ass. So stop reading the commune—stop right now! And tell a friend to stop. If you have told a friend to read the commune before, tell them you were mistaken, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Our research is very poor and I'm not convinced Roland McShyster even watches those movies. It's entirely possible some of our income goes to support terrorism. It's not all that far-fetched, given the amount of drug use around here.

Any way you can help will be most appreciated, loyal reader.

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