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U.S. Grants Iraq Contract to Cheney Group, Inc.Mysterious Corporation Receives $100 Billion Contract April 28, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Whit Pistol The president greets the founder and CEO of Cheney Group, Inc., and his vice-president, Dick Cheney (Both are Dicks).
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
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resident and leader-for-life George W. Bush called for greater funding to the rebuilding process in Iraq, funds in excess of $600 billion, which is a lot of full-body massages in Nevada. Among the contracts rewarded to companies hoping to rebuild the country was a $100+ billion contract to the little-known Cheney Group, Inc.
The closed-bidding contract drew harsh criticism from the three or four guys who still bother to critique the White House, among them Columbia University Professor of Political Science Kevin Wishawa, who agreed to meet this reporter at an undisclosed ranch in Nevada.
"It's extremely outrageous, even for this administration, to so blatantly award contracts to friends of the government. This is the most egregious assault on our decency yet."
The assault alluded to by Professor Wishawa, as his tension was kneaded away by professional masseusse Bubbles Skotch, is the rumor that the Cheney Group, Inc. board of directors includes Vice-President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne Cheney. Early speculation is also that the Cheney dog Rags holds a prominent, undisclosed position as well. More disconcerting to critics are reports the Cheney Group, Inc. has no other members on its board, and is in fact entirely made up of Cheney family members.
"As far as I'm concerned, the White House has reached a new public low with this bold announcement. Previous politicians have at least felt a shame at stuffing their pockets with war profiteering, and have even gone so far as to accept their reward in the form of kickbacks from companies they award contracts to. The Bush administration has shown no shame even in the process of stuffing their own pockets. They're shameless self-pocket-stuffers."
Much laughter ensued, possibly due to ingestion of large amounts of tequila. Conversation continued after Professor Wishawa eventually stopped laughing, having blown a snot bubble.
"What's more alarming than the brazen nature of these self-rewarding contracts is the fact our media has seen fit to gloss over them. Financial information may not be interesting to the public, I'm sure that's the excuse they'll use, but it seems representative to me of the fact we're losing our systems of checks and balances. Which is the short course of turning our country from a democracy into a totalitarian—oh, Christ, Bubbles, that's the spot!"
Wishawa then grunted loudly in a way I'm not sure how to spell, and asked for another tequila. Perhaps some reporters would have cut these vital details from the interview, but those are lesser individuals.
White House spokesmensch Ari Fleischer was quick to dismiss the claims as "cliché," but was too uptight to meet this reporter somewhere to party and interview.
"Frankly, I get bored answering these kinds of questions," said the complete downer. "All of these groups are more than qualified to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no questions asked. I'm sure the Cheney Group, whatever it does, will be able to do that thing to Iraq and make it safer for… you know what I'm saying. Get off my ass already." the commune news would be happy to make a profit off of war, or off of a peace, or off anything—what we're saying is we're a non-profit organization, and pissed about it. Ramon Nootles is our man in the field, assuming that field is populated by half-naked women with low standards.
 |  White House Asks for Big Partisan Pay-Off April 28, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Junior Bacon The president attempts to justify his $350 billion tax cut to a group who showed up after seeing the "free blow jobs" sign.
Democrats have denounced the move as a blatant attempt to curry voter favor and sustain the president's popularity, despite poor response to domestic issues. Bush's plan for tax cuts to corporations, they say, is more of the same failed Reaganomic "trickle-down" theory operating on the premise that monetary breaks to companies will produce new jobs. As for the reduced taxes for registered Republicans, it is an unbelievable act of hubris by a president with elephant balls.
In addit...
n a move being sharply criticized by Democrats, President Bush announced his plan for a $350 billion tax cut. The cuts would be specifically to registered Republicans and corporations, and Bush promised the reduced taxes would spark growth in the job market and turn the economy around.
Democrats have denounced the move as a blatant attempt to curry voter favor and sustain the president's popularity, despite poor response to domestic issues. Bush's plan for tax cuts to corporations, they say, is more of the same failed Reaganomic "trickle-down" theory operating on the premise that monetary breaks to companies will produce new jobs. As for the reduced taxes for registered Republicans, it is an unbelievable act of hubris by a president with elephant balls.
In addition to the expected backlash by Democrats, the president was dismayed to find some moderate Republicans among critics of the plan. Early response to the idea called initial figures for a $700 billion tax cut too high, and though the president regained some support by lowering the projection to $350 billion, there are still some moderates calling it bad timing for additional tax cuts.
"Don't get me wrong, I could use that tax cut pretty bad," said Ohio Sen. George Voinovich, a leading opponent to the Bush plan, "but we're heading into belt-tightening times, we're looking at a $2 trillion deficit. Just so the president knows, 'deficit' is the one that means we owe that much. As for the tax cuts for Republicans, I don't even know if that's constitutional… but either way, we need to be paying off our huge debts before we start giving money away again."
Like other Bush critics, Voinovich is pointing to the expenses raised by Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the airline bail out following the incidents, the $100 billion Iraq war, and the projected $600 billion rebuilding cost for Iraq, all of which have turned the estimated surplus over 10 years into a deficit.
Though Voinovich agreed political rifts were dangerous to Republican solidarity, the senator felt that opposing President Bush on the tax issue wouldn't hurt his long-term relationship with the White House.
"I will stick to my beliefs on the issue to best serve my conscience, and I'm sure the president will do the same. It is characteristic of our respect for each other to voice our disagreements."
The interview with Voinovich was cut short as masked men rushed in through doors and windows to strap the senator to his couch. The men then proceeded to wallop Voinovich with black socks filled with bars of soap, their silence countered with the senator's high-pitched shrieks of pain and tearful crying.
The White House would not comment on the hazing, only that they hoped Voinovich would see the wisdom of the Bush tax cut before any more pain was inflicted.
"It is vital and important to our economy that we encourage growth in the public sector," said the president, or someone sounding like Bush while the president moved his lips. "Statistics we've funded show that tax cuts to corporations produce that kind of job creation. As for the tax breaks for registered Republicans, I can't tell you what's partisan or what's vote-buying. What is important is that it is imperative to our administration's long-term plans that I get elected in 2004. These tax cuts are designed for that purpose." the commune news is proud to be registered as an independent, and sex offender. Lil Duncan is the commune's White House correspondent and is no stranger to offending with sex either.
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 January 12, 2004 That's a Great Merkin, Charlie HustleWell, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.
Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to b...
º Last Column: Nickname At Your Own Risk
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Well, it looks like Pete Rose might never get into the Hall of Fame now, which is a bummer for him since I hear he has a lot of money riding on this. Apparently in his new book he admits he gambled on baseball back when he was a manager, only never on Sundays. I don't know what in the hell that's supposed to prove. Rose also said he never bet against the Reds, which I'll only believe if they can prove he hasn't gambled since around 1990. My God do the Reds suck.
Rose thought the deal was that they'd let him into the Hall of Fame if he would admit to gambling, but in reality they were just waiting for him to get a decent haircut. Keep waiting guys. It was a hilarious joke on Rose back in the 80's when they told him he was "banned" for gambling, nobody actually expected him to believe that skylark. Then it became this running joke over the years to see when he'd finally catch on. Eventually everybody got tired of waiting and decided they should come up with a new way to tease Rose in 2003, hence the whole "fess up and we'll let you in, Petey" gag.
After all, everybody in baseball gambles. The double play was invented on a bet, you think those lazy bastards would have thought that up on their own? The commissioner himself almost won fifty bucks two years ago after he bet a drinking buddy he could contract two teams without anybody noticing. Hell, if he'd picked the Expos and Brewers he'd be $50 richer today. Bet that keeps him up at night.
As for Rose, nobody has the heart to tell him he's not in the Hall of Fame because he's an asshole and nobody likes him. I hear next year they're going to say he can't go into the Hall of Fame because he masturbates too much. That guy'll believe anything, I swear.
Some argue that Rose belongs in the Hall since he holds the career hits record, but he only ended up with that because he kept hanging around the clubhouse for years after he should have retired and nobody had the heart to tell him he wasn't on the team any more. He was like baseball's annoying little brother who can't take a hint. It'd be sad if it wasn't so funny.
The gag on Rose last year was that if he admitted his wrongdoing, they'd sneak him in the back door of the Hall with a coat thrown over his head. So he writes this book, which is about 300 pages of Rose bullshitting about how he was a hero in Vietnam and two paragraphs were he says yeah, he bet on baseball and lied about it for 20 years, but it was all the losing teams' fault anyway since if he'd always won then it wouldn't have been gambling. To that, all I can say is forget the Hall of Fame, get this guy some kind of Hannibal Lecter award for convoluted logic. This guy's a miracle.
So Pete thinks he's in like Flynn now, but of course the rest of the Hall of Famers don't want to put up with his bullshit stories and catastrophic lack of class at HoF functions for the rest of their lives, so they have the commissioner tell Pete that the book was nice and all, but oops! He forgot to say he was sorry. Damn, sorry Pete. They all know full-well that Rose types with two fingers and used up all his good gook jokes in his latest book, so it'll be another ten years before they hear from him again. Then somebody will have to actually read the "Pete Rose's Big Book of Sorta Sorry" book before they can dream up another snipe hunt to send this guy on.
Cruel? Maybe. But you haven't seen the kinds of sport coats Pete Rose wears. Sweet pastel Jesus. º Last Column: Nickname At Your Own Riskº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“The unexamined life is not worth living… so show me your tits already.”
-Sol CratesFortune 500 CookieNobody loves you anywhere near as much as your mother, but the bad news is you were adopted and never met her. Your "Most Favored Nathan" status will be revoked this week when a more-favorable Nathan arrives in town. Sorry. Try to start flossing your teeth, crotch and armpits, ASAP. This week's lucky bullets: zingers, greenies, pissmakers, Big Bens, deconstipators, "lead flapjacks," armor-piercing, elephant piercing, Ella Fitzgerald-piercing.
Try again later.Top New Orleans Rebuilding Proposals| 1. | Houseboats for all! | | 2. | Move entire city to Ames, Iowa, just to see what happens | | 3. | Dig city another 20 feet lower, install Plexiglas ceiling for viewing marine life | | 4. | Pave over city to create parking lot for Atlanta SuperTarget | | 5. | Fuck it, the place was way too French anyway | |
|   Senator Mysteriously Defies Time, Lives in 1950s BY roland mcshyster 12/22/2003 Ho ho ho, America, there are prostitutes all over the place here at the commune offices and this can only mean one thing: It's the holiday season. Yessir, nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than the commune's Beds for Hookers program, now it its third year of keeping whores warm and full of holiday cheer. You can thank noted philanthropist Red Bagel for that one, if you're a hooker with Internet access. However, the ladies of the night aren't the only ones getting into the spirit, as I have to admit I've enjoyed my share of assorted nuts roasting on an open flame and Jack Frost chewing on my balls this week. So though it's been said many times and many ways: Happy Hanukah, commune world!
In Theaters
Cold Mounta...
Ho ho ho, America, there are prostitutes all over the place here at the commune offices and this can only mean one thing: It's the holiday season. Yessir, nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than the commune's Beds for Hookers program, now it its third year of keeping whores warm and full of holiday cheer. You can thank noted philanthropist Red Bagel for that one, if you're a hooker with Internet access. However, the ladies of the night aren't the only ones getting into the spirit, as I have to admit I've enjoyed my share of assorted nuts roasting on an open flame and Jack Frost chewing on my balls this week. So though it's been said many times and many ways: Happy Hanukah, commune world!
In Theaters
Cold Mountain
Jude Law stars as a Civil War soldier who is left for dead by his compatriots after he comes down with a bitter case of the sniffles, only to blow his nose on the odds and heroically ride a train home to see his wife Nicole Kidman, who is crippled by her fear of the 1800's. The casting director struck a coup by landing Nicole Kidman for the role of Nicole Kidman, saving audiences from the mind-bending confusion of having to remember that someone fatter than Nicole Kidman is actually Nicole Kidman for about two hours, within the fantastical world of the film's reality. Renee Zellweger is endearingly puffy as ever in her role as Kidman's supporting actress, though her character's name isn't Zellweger because that would cause a confusing plot hole, since her dad is Donald Sutherland and she's not married. Whatever, the movie was slow.
House of the Sandy Frog
Jennifer Connelly is an alcoholic former Mouseketeer and Ben Kingsley plays the retired baseball mascot horning in on her turf in this by-the-book adaptation of the Twain classic. The point of the Twain story was that when you're an alcoholic it's easy to get confused and forget whether somebody's a retired baseball mascot horning in on your turf or a horny retiree-balling Turk basking in mace, but in the film adaptation such nuances are lost and it becomes about a girl with big boobs shooting an Uzi. Thankfully.
Mona Lisa Simile
After deciding that the title Julia Roberts is Ugly Like the Mona Lisa probably wasn't going to cause any fire code violations with people trampling over each other to get into the theater, the cats with the big wigs on at Columbia decided to rechristen this dingy with a moniker that would appeal to the highly profitable faux-intellectual chick flick set. Thus the highbrow name, which is unfortunately destined to confuse moviegoers who toked their way through High School English. To recap, a simile is a figure of speech using like or as to compare two unlike things (for example, "Julia Roberts looks like a reindeer.") This is not to be confused with a metaphor (as in Kafka's thriller Metaphormosis), which is when an analogy is drawn by literally substituting one idea for another (as in "Julia Roberts has those weird alien lips that ate my dog."). Unfortunately, this bit of semantic nuance is the most interesting thing about the film, which could have been accurately but less-profitably titled This Movie Sucks Like a Beijing Hooker.
Monster
Charlize Theron headlines the role she was born to play in this adaptation of Stephen King's harrowing short story, the tale of a strange creature who looks just like Ashley Judd but somehow isn't. Christina Ricci seeks to de-creepy her image by starring opposite the vaguely creepier Theron, hereby appearing comparatively normal within the film's world. And it works, sort of. It's a Stephen King adaptation, so of course there's some supernatural nonsense going on and shit glows, but primarily this is a film about what happens when your pod clone starts getting better film roles than you do.
Paycheck
Calling a spade a spade for once in its miserable history, Hollywood isn't even trying to fool you into thinking the actors had any personal investment in this project. You might be inclined to feel a bit of righteous indignation about that, until you hear that Ben Affleck has the starring role, and then it all becomes very understandable. Wasting good acting on a scene with Affleck is like getting dressed up to go watch kangaroo boxing. I'd tell you what the plot entails but if the actors themselves didn't bother to learn it I'm not about to do the heavy lifting for about one billionth of what they get paid. Screw that.
I'm afraid that's that, America. Though I wish this season could go on and on, I don't really mean that, it's just a romantic thing to say. The reality of that would likely be hellish. So let it go, America, turn the page and before you know it you'll be gorging yourself miserably on little chocolate bunnies and wondering what in the hell happened. Happy holidays.   |
