Ivan Nacutchacokov, Embedded in Baghdad

commune foreign correspondent wires story from enemy capital

March 31, 2003

Baghdad, Iraq

Commune Art Dept.

Ivan Nacutchacokov (lower left corner) reports from the about-to-be-war-torn capital of Iraq.

oreign correspondent and champion lovemaker Ivan Nacutchacokov reporting, embedded at Baghdad with the 72nd Liquor Battalion. Which is not a true military battalion so much as a group of Iraqis heavily inebriated on 72 cases of wine and holding this reporter captive.

Originally the commune awarded me the assignment of traveling with the 108th Infantry, famous for their chili, a prize won in a raffle at the Washington, D.C. press party. However, growing suspicion's over this reporter's Russian background and "too many questions" about where we were and what we were doing led to a confrontation and eventual abandonment outside of Umm Qasar when the battalion moved on to other areas. Left to his own wiles, this reporter might have been fine had he not been found by the self-styled Iraqi defenders engaged in heavy drinking.

It has been a relatively painless five or six days of passing bottles of wine around a windowless bunker since then. Without the reaffirming vision of sunlight or the night outside, coupled with the sleeplessness as bombs and shells continue to wrack the city outside, time has become virtually meaningless to this reporter. Occasional games of Russian roulette with a group of unwashed civilians who don't speak English also add to the feeling of mayhem.

A small radio broadcasting the movement of U.S. troops as they approach the capital of Iraq is the only source of outside information available, but to listen to the rattling walls, breaking glass, and war-whoops from the surrounding drunken armed men, it's easy to believe the fighting has already begun here. Details as to what U.S. forces approach and from what direction are currently unavailable, but I can definitely describe the mood in Baghdad as foggy and raucous.

Though the Iraqi military impostors were initially mistrustful and showed extreme prejudice against this reporter, after the first few days they allowed me to be untied. It was at that point I was bricked up into a wall in the unknown Baghdad building I report from, though I thankfully learned enough of their language to convince them to leave a few bricks out so that I may breathe.

With enough ingenuity and an increased proficiency with the language, it is my plan to coax the intoxicated revelers to wire my report to Ramrod Hurley at the commune offices. There may be some confusing passages or grammatical errors, given the possibility of a mistranslation and the difficulty of carving a news report into a brick with a pocket knife, but it does seem to be going surprisingly well so far.

It is a troubling thing, to look the enemy in the face and not be sickened by the smell of wine and vomit. But after the initial terror and nausea subside, one cannot help but feel a kinship with the Iraqi people and a sympathy for their plight. In all likelihood Saddam Hussein will be overthrown and replaced with a more democratic leader, and it should be everyone's hope that despite years of disagreement all Americans will hope for these people, who have endured so much hardship, to find peace and prosperity under new leadership, as well as seek a 12-step program or something.

In the remaining days before the arrival of U.S. troops, and the intense ground fighting begins, this reporter still has enough time to find out more about the weapons, tactics, and morale of these challenged soldiers, and hopefully can change their mind about the intention to use me as a human shield.

the commune news is never one to scoff at the problems of others, especially when you can snort, sneer, and skiffle. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and has a resilience in the battlefield that belies his tired, crabby whining demeanor.

Over 200 Heretics Arrested in New York City Protest

Big Apple plays host to crybaby war-hating hippies

March 31, 2003

New York City, NY

Whit Pistol

Throngs of unbelievers harangue the city that never sleeps, with extremely wordy signs and bored expressions.

arring factions in the corporeal world clashed Thursday as police arrested 215 blasphemers expressing anti-American sentiments. More than 150 were hosting a "die-in" where they laid down in the street and did a poor impression of dead Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, while the mathematical remainder of those 215 were melodramatically hosting a funeral procession. All of it was quite a disgusting site to those who like their country, as well as those who found their caricature of the dead highly offensive.

The incident was one of many that seemed to accelerate since the start of the war, the whateverth of March, 2003. Despite support of biblical proportions from the American public that accompanies the inception of every war, small cells of protestors have continued heresy in cities around the country. Over 200,000 deviants have been arrested everywhere from San Francisco to New York City, though primarily San Francisco, for their refusal to accept the edicts handed down by the administration.

"Protesting before the war was one thing. But now that it has started, it's important to get behind our president and give up their own opinions for the sake of showing the world a unified front," said this reporter. "Back in my day, it was more important to believe your president was doing the right thing than to risk possibly thinking he might not have a clue what he was doing."

Across the country, other groups of pro-Bush protestors protested the protestors protesting the Iraq War. As obligatorily mentioned in every article on anti-war sentiment, protestors of administration actions have been met with equally vehement gatherings rallying to support U.S. involvement in Iraq.

"I just think that the president wouldn't go to war if there wasn't a good reason," said stay-at-home mom twelve-year-old Becky Surrey of Burkutt, Missouri. "That's the kind of thing Saddam Hussein would do. You've heard he gasses his own people, right?"

Demonstrators holding signs saying, "Iraq needs a regime change!" and "Support the troops!" as well as other Bush administration sound bytes, have turned out in, let's just say, record numbers to counter the sacrilege.

"If they love Iraq so much, why don't they move over there and live there and protest?" said Hoyt, Arizona truck loader Darryl Gavin. "Because they'd get killed there. They're lucky to live in a country where they can say whatever they want. So they should shut-up and support the war like the rest of us."

The White House, rather than allowing war efforts to be distracted with arguments, has wisely chosen to ignore protestors in the U.S. and the millions worldwide. Others, however, are quick to step up to the administration's defense.

"The Bush administration has strong evidence Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, and it's a shame that so many Americans are so mistrustful that they demand to see such evidence," said White House publicist Fox News in a released statement. "Everyone is allowed the right to their opinion, but they're wrong."

"Independent" news agency CNN expressed a different view.

"The main thing the United States needs right now is a clear, objective report on the war's impact, both here and abroad," said a broad, some pretty anchor thing. "There are two sides to every story, and it's CNN's responsibility to report that. Are people still protesting the war because they're radicals who hate everything the United States does, or are they simply uninformed? It's important to maintain that balanced perspective."

the commune news is never afraid to tackle an issue, but we would be afraid to tackle Emmitt Smith. Again. Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown has been dead longer than most of you have been alive, and assures us even reporting for the commune is more fun than facing that cold, numbing darkness again.

December 22, 2003

Hello from Road

by Boris Utzov of commune

º Last Column: Boris is Tripping
º more columns

Hello, computer persons. Boris is here from road.

Boris think life is big adventure thing with mystery chocolates, like Andy Gump person does says. So true like fortunate cookie. But Boris is allergic to chocolates, so Boris life is like big box of cereal with prizes and things inside. Same different thing. Both ways is so fun, not matter. What can happen when Boris does climb on bus to use bus toilet and is ending up in Illinois? No person does not know. Except now that is in past, so all persons does know who reads Boris column. But no persons does not know futures before is happening, except for magic floating Disney head.

Prize of Boris life cereal box today is Angels from Hell friends and chopping motorcycle adventure thing. So fun, Boris pretend is Prince on motorcycle thing and does hum songs, but this thing is different because Boris looking more like little koalabear hanging on back of big Angel from Hell and does not have fun Prince purple clothes. But is same idea.

Is hard to write commune column thing from road, because ride is bumpy and Boris writing so impossible to read. Also does take so many postcards to fit on column, even if using special Boris tiny writing. But is fun to be special traveling job person, like man who does sell bowling ball vacuums.

Most Angels from Hell persons does not write columns so them does want to know what Boris is doing all times writing on helmet with grease pencil. Boris does explain of commune job thing, which is telling stories from Boris life to get magic cans of beans. Angels from Hell not think this is so interesting unless is naked girls reading commune, which Boris does not know. But surprise is Angel persons does know of commune thing already because so many are boyfriends of commune person Lil Duncan, so funny. Lil Duncan is most popular commune person for sleepover.

Boris is having fun with Angels from Hell, though Angels does think Boris is getting too many souvenirs to fit on chopping motorcycle thing. Is true, but too hard to say goodbye to giant piÃ±ata or big pink stuffed bear animal, and Boris always finding big fun things to get for remember places on road.

That is bad part of riding on back of big chopping thing, no place for to fit trunk and also pants does creeping down thing to show Boris asscrack to world. So bad for drivers, and cold for asscrack. But Boris is wearing helmet and going too fast for persons to see this is Boris asscrack, no way to know this. They are thinking is someone they do know with similar asscrack.

Not sure how Angels from Hell persons does celebrate the Christmas, but Boris is thinking would be fun to put light strings on chopping motorcycles. Though this idea might need very long cord thing to work. Not sure. Also not sure how Santa person or friends will find Boris to give Christmas presents, but Boris will leave out carton of milk and little bag of cookies from vending machine just in case. And hopefully Louis will find present of cottage cheese snowman Boris did hide behind heater. Is important to have friends for Christmas, or as Louis say, Xmen. Boris does send Louis postcard to say wish you were here at sausage factory love Boris, so is good hello. Now is time for goodnight sleeping. Merry Xmen to all commune persons, goodnight!

º Last Column: Boris is Tripping
º more columns

Quote of the Day

“Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for Cletus, my inbred asscrack of a neighbor about whom I am far from indifferent.”

-CK Festerchild

Fortune 500 Cookie

You wir find gleat rove in an ord flend. That's not an accented translation; you just have a really weird fortune this week. It's time to face the facts, or at least the facts of life: even if you manage to get that face you drew on your hand pregnant, it's just going to be one more mouth to feed. This week's lucky ringtones: Hangin' Tough, Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, Two Princes, Kokomo.

Try again later.

Top Frustrating Wi-Fi Dead Spots

1.	Flower bed outside ex-wife's bedroom window
2.	Antarctica. Most of it.
3.	Men's room at the zoo
4.	Twilight Zone
5.	Raging Waters: the whole goddamned theme park

Officials Report Ass-Rape of Iraq Going Well

BY roland mcshyster

11/24/2003

Hello, America! Curious about what Hollywood's been hoarding in their vaults, waiting to spring on an unsuspecting public this fine Thanksgiving season? I hear ya squawking big chicken. Let's take a look and see if we can't separate the gobble from the sound turkeys make when they're not happy. On to the movies!

In Theaters

21 Grams of Fat
Cuban heartthrob Mauricio Del Toro sweats up the screen opposite sniveling wiener Sean Penn in this harrowing tale of a Subway sandwich gone wrong. Fans have been clamoring for years to know the juicy background story on how mumbling hunk Del Toro got so goddamned sloppy fat for his role of Big Fat Slob Lawyer #1 in the 1960's classic Feral Loving in Las Vegas, and t...