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 U.S. invasion of Iraq most likely already underway March 17, 2003 |
Kuwait City, Kuwait Junior Bacon Probably war imagined to look something like this, if you pretend the football is a grenade and the sock is an Iraqi weapons facility.
The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accor...
ast-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by popular opinion, with degrees of variation on the exact time and date, March 17 being the earliest estimation and March 19 the latest.
The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accordance with resolutions Iraq signed after cessation of the Gulf War, also known as "Bush Vs. Iraq: Round 1" among funnier members of the staff.
The preceding week brought the tension to full as Bush, responding to the irritation of the American people, announced a March 17 deadline for Iraq to disarm its real or imaginary weapons and the administration haggled with opposing members of the U.N. security counsel for approval to the deadline. As Saddam Hussein had yet to meet the ambiguous guidelines of the deadline date, it is 99.9% probable that the United States felt no recourse but to begin war with Iraq on March 17.
All signs point to elongated periods of carpet bombings of marked Iraqi weapons sites, with claims of civilian casualties by Iraq already supposedly rising as the U.S. undoubtedly insisted all targets are verified as weapons facilities. If all goes according to military plans established months ago, bombing most likely will cease around March 19 as troops move in for implied ground war.
Though U.S. opinion will be mixed, the majority of Americans will most likely support the war with the assumption its unpatriotic to disagree in a time of war. After weeks of continued warfare with reassurance from the president U.S. troops are making progress in their goals, the larger population will tire of the war news and urge the president to resolve the whole mess quicker, sparking claims that while Saddam Hussein has presumably not been removed from power, objectives to locate and disarm weapons as a greater goal have been successful, and Saddam Hussein can be hobbled permanently by sanctions and treaties.
Without a doubt, the price tag for the war will have dug the United States deeper into debt and made the outlook for the economy bleaker, which the Democratic candidates for the presidency will jump on despite their expressions of approval for the war during its time. As jobs disappear and wages continue to drop, the approval rating for the Bush administration will reach all-time lows, despite achieving near-record highs during late 2001 to early 2003. All attempts to turn attention to domestic issues will come too late and Americans will join in bitter debates with each other as the country probably grows even more divisive, yet in an extremely close presidential election in 2004 the as-yet-unnamed Democratic candidate will win the electoral college vote by a significant margin, while the disparity in the popular vote, while still in his or her favor, will be much closer.
Theoretical details of long-term side-effects of American soldiers exposed to the irradiated munitions of their weapons could not be hypothesized at press time. Further information will come as clearer patterns of repetition emerge. the commune news is here to blow your mind and your mainframe. Ivan Nacutchacokov is the commune's foreign correspondent and has probably taken care of most of his news articles for the next couple of years—he's outta here, folks.
 | Capitol Hillbilly Defends, Embarrasses SouthHick senator blasts and reinforces southern stereotypes March 17, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Image Courtesy Of C-span Sen. Miller, seen here wearing a computer-generated business suit provided by C-SPAN, speaks out in support of "Picture Book" legislation
The controversial senator, known for attending congressional meetings barefoot and wear...
eorgia senator Zell Miller brought a congressional debate over the judicial nomination of Miguel Estrada to a screeching halt Tuesday, pitching a spectacular tantrum that left members of the Senate shaken and, if they were from the South, in denial of being from the South. Beating a wooden spoon on an empty coffee can, Miller called for attention and proceeded to deliver a rambling diatribe, punctuated by numerous down-homeisms and analogies involving coon hunting, which some believe was in protest of CBS's proposed reality show The Real Beverly Hillbillies. Full translated texts of the outburst were not available as of press time, as all known hillrods in the area had gone fishin'.
The controversial senator, known for attending congressional meetings barefoot and wearing a straw hat with denim overalls, has been barred from several debates in recent months for inappropriate bursts of banjo strumming and repeatedly not speaking English.
"Ladies and gentlemen, as a proud hillbilly let me say this: shame on you, CBS!
I don't know what they letters stands for but they Can't Be Serious! CBS as a network Coulda Been Somethin' but gone hafta settle for Caught Bein' Sneaks! Cause we of the hillbilly persuasion, and in that I speak for myself and others I know, ain't gonna let them get away with this crackerjack for one more minute!"
"Oh, Christ. Who let him out of his box?" whispered the unfortunately named Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. "There must not be any auto racing on today."
"Too long has hillbillies like myself, and remember I can say hillbilly because I am that, but you best don't, cause it's offensive and will get you a slapped mouth, but we the people have too long been the backside of popular humor at our expenses," continued Sen. Miller. "Offensive comic strips like Snuffy Smith and Lil Abner is just one example. Except for that one where Snuffy gets his foot caught in a beaver den, that was a hoot and a hollar."
"Good lord," groaned Tennessee senator Bill Frist. "At least he left his damned dogs at home this time."
As if on cue, four mangy hound dogs burst loudly into the Senate chamber at that moment and ran around the floor, barking and smelling things. The dogs had to be corralled by Sen. Miller, who offered them bits of raw pork from his pockets.
The proposed CBS show that started the ruckus would have been an update of the popular 60's sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies, only featuring real hillbillies in real danger.
"All throughout hist'ry there has been people who needed to look down on someone as less than theyselves, and the hillbillies next door have long been such a convenient target. No more, gents! The dignity of mountain people shall never again be trampled on by anyonest but theyselves."
"I know he's a Georgia man," confided Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky. "But I'm telling you… He must've had some serious absentee votes from West Virginia or something. Because damn."
Florida governor Jeb Bush appeared and provided a quote without being prompted. "South? No, Florida's not part of the South. Who told you that? Florida's not really the South. I mean, yes, geographically it is south of some states, but inbred retard speaking, we're not really 'the South' at all. Florida has a large relocated population, and the simple fact of the matter is we have way too many Jews to be considered part of the South. Jews and the South don't mix; they're like Kurds and Wheys. Scientific fact. And yes, I admit to being from Texas, but that's beside the point. As everyone knows Texas is its own nation, like the District of Columbia."
Debate continued on the Senate floor over who was really from the South, while Sen. Miller led his dogs to a rusted-out pickup truck parked on the front lawn of the Capitol. the commune news supports the respect and dignity of all peoples, and most of the residents of Missouri. Lil Dunan is the commune's White House correspondent and resident "Truth or Dare" grand champion.
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 December 22, 2003 Sorry for Skipping the Poor KidsNothing's more depressing than gearing up for the Christmas season, getting all jolly and stuff, and getting one of these letters from the little kids who are oh-so innocent: "Santa, can you please bring gifts to all the poor kids this year?"
Ah, Christ. Like I needed that bring-down.
Look, once and for all, I cannot help the poor kids. It's not because I'm some big fat asshole, lord knows. My hands are tied on the matter. Sorry. Life's hard, learn to cope.
Once Thanksgiving is over I got my helpers showing up in droves telling me what kids want, and every one says, "By the way, getting a lot of flak on the whole 'poor kids' thing. Can you do something about that this year?" I kick them out of the office and don't tell them anything else, because i...
º Last Column: Get Me on the Next Plane to Nigeria!
º more columns
Nothing's more depressing than gearing up for the Christmas season, getting all jolly and stuff, and getting one of these letters from the little kids who are oh-so innocent: "Santa, can you please bring gifts to all the poor kids this year?"
Ah, Christ. Like I needed that bring-down.
Look, once and for all, I cannot help the poor kids. It's not because I'm some big fat asshole, lord knows. My hands are tied on the matter. Sorry. Life's hard, learn to cope.
Once Thanksgiving is over I got my helpers showing up in droves telling me what kids want, and every one says, "By the way, getting a lot of flak on the whole 'poor kids' thing. Can you do something about that this year?" I kick them out of the office and don't tell them anything else, because it's none of their business. I'm the head elf. They don't need to know the murky depths of the business.
But just for the record, without naming names, let's just say it's very difficult to run a high-overhead operation like this and cutting costs wherever possible is a must. I got the elves and reindeer out selling band candy and magazine subscriptions all year around just to afford the toys in the first place, then I have to work out tax bracket nonsense with each individual government. That's a lot of work.
Not that these guys aren't jolly in their own way, I'm not pointing the finger at them. They've got their own problems. You don't have a major influx of toys every year on the same night and not have big tax issues to deal with, I understand the mechanics of it. So for centuries I've been working out deals on the side to keep operating at whatever cost, and it just turns out the poor kids get screwed in the deal. Sorry, shit ain't fair.
It's not just getting lists and making the toys, folks. There's red tape, always red tape. I've worked out a deal in most countries where a certain percentage of every family's individual income qualifies for toy delivery. As you can imagine, it's a pretty dismal story for the poor kids. It's not my fault you live in a trailer and dad cleans up roadkill for a living. I never said forget the contraceptives, baby, I know when to pull out. The fact is people don't put the thought into having kids they should, and who gets screwed? You kids, that's the fact. Tell your dad he should have been studying for the SATs instead of rocking out to Cinderella.
So the rich kids get richer and the poor kids get squat. Those capitalist countries love it. And the communist countries, now that it's like three or four, I can't even work out a deal with those knobs. They always demand I do something about sanctions and I keep telling them, I don't touch sanctions, not my business. I'm all about the toys. They say when I can do something about improving trade relations they'll let me deliver toys, but hard luck until then. And don't even get me started on Israel—they've been stonewalling me for years.
It's shit. I know it's shit. But sometimes you work with the cards you're dealt. My philosophy is, if I can get 40% of the kids out there presents, it's better than 0%. I'm working on the rest, believe me, I've got lobbyists and everything. Next time you see a diminutive fellow in Washington, you know he's working overtime to bring toys to the poor kids of the world. One of these days, children. One of these days. º Last Column: Get Me on the Next Plane to Nigeria!º more columns | 
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Milestones1975: Bludney Pludd is born. He didn't make a big deal about it at the time and we're certainly not going to change that tradition now.Now HiringKnife-Thrower. Should be capable of agile manipulation of melee weapons for entertaining stage spectacle, including throwing blades at volunteer Bludney Pludd. No references required, but we will insist on counting fingers.Most-Favored Rok Finger Insults| 1. | Your tie is particularly thin | | 2. | Your wife likes having sex | | 3. | Your smell? I didn't want to tell you, but it's not especially pleasing | | 4. | What kind of name is "Gore"? | | 5. | We could be mistaken for twins | |
|   Kidnapping Ends in Sentimental Anti-Climactic ClichĂ© BY roland mcshyster 11/10/2003 Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, e...
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, etc. But what Hollywood producers don't understand is that the whole point of the character is that he's just a bad guy and a jerk, and he doesn't have any kind of special gun to shoot so he's lame anyway. Those same producers called in Russell Crowe to try and recreate the white-wash job he did on insane folk-rocker Graham Nash in A Beautiful Mime, and he does his best here but it's hard to act much through a big chrome motorcycle helmet. The film is also hampered by the bizarre decision to tie characters from Gary Larson's The Far Side comic strip universe into the action. This might have been a stroke of genius in another film, but in this one the infant goes cartwheeling out the window the second a guy shows up with a gun that shoots Doberman pincer dogs. It all goes surreally downhill from there, as the film is overrun by giant talking cockroaches and ostriches wearing neckties. There were a couple of funny bits toward the end, but it turned out those were all from Far Sides I'd missed on the days my bastard next-door neighbor stole the paper.
Brother Bear
Kudos to Disney for showing some class in naming their latest animated manifesto Brother Bear, which is far more P.C. than calling him a "Black Bear," an offensive term racist scientists have been using for years. And it's a welcome turn of events after the debacle of Disney's last animated shocker, Black Hotties Acting Naughty, which was a box-office disappointment and was way too stingy with the cheesecake. Brother Bear tells the story of an African-American bear's struggle to earn respect on the street, or whatever the woodland equivalent of the street is. The clearing, whatever. Word on the street is that Brother Bear will be Disney's final traditionally-animated feature, I'm not sure if that means all their movies in the future will be done like Dr. Katz or what, but I'm game for the change. The current popularity of CGI animated films has proven amply that computers are where it's at, even if it is a lot harder to draw with a mouse. But apparently there are some guys over in Korea or somewhere who can do it, so cool.
Good Boy!
Sitting through political docudrama about George W. Bush's first 600 days in office, bankrolled by his right-wing supporters and corporate backers? Yeah, that sounds a lot better than having my nuts cut off with a weed whacker.
Looney Tunes: Back Door Action
If ever a film disturbed me to my very core as a human being, while brutally assaulting my faith in humanity, it was Baby Geniuses. But Looney Tunes: Back Door Action is number two with a bullet, and it has its eyes on the prize. While I understand that Warner Bros. has been under pressure to keep up with Disney's deteriorating morals these last several years, there is such a thing as going too far, and this time they went too far and a half. If I wanted to watch cartoons having sex, I'd move to Japan, thank you very much.
The Matrix Restitutions
It really warms my heart to see those Matrix-happy bastards finally getting what they had coming. After tricking fans of the original Matrix into sitting through the painfully unwatchable The Matrix Reloaded, which was about as much fun as watching somebody else play a video game for two hours, the Wacowski's chickens have finally come home to roost. With some guidance from the U.N. Film Crimes tribunal, the courts ordered the Wacowskis to make The Matrix Restitutions as a third "we're sorry" film to fulfill the community service portion of their sentence. The resulting movie tells the story of two comic book geeks who get into directing and score a surprise sci-fi hit, only to lose all sense of perspective and turn out a disgustingly convoluted and pompous sequel, which prompts a violent fan backlash against the brothers themselves. The courts ordered the Wacowskis to put hundreds of Matrix fans through kung-fu and wire-stunt training to make the spectacular vigilante mayhem of Restitutions believable, and it was money well-spent. The result is both satisfying and unintentionally hilarious, in a "pasty white gimp kung-fu" kind of way. And the best part of Restitutions? None of the guys get naked, and Keanu keeps his hard drive docked the whole time. Hallelujah.
The Texas Chain Store Massacre
One of my prime arguments against letting women direct movies has always been that it would eventually lead to tons of horrible movies about menstrual bleeding and shopping. Well, the first part of my prophecy came true a lot sooner than the second, but the second apocalyptic horseman has just pulled into town. While I'm sure it was very exciting if you were there in person, watching a movie about a really bitchin' sale at an outlet mall in Texas and some ladies who made an absolute killing on discounted home furnishings is one of my personal red flags that I've somehow ended up in a Turkish prison against my will.
Well, that's about all the nuts you can stuff into this squirrel's cheeks this week, gents and gentinas. Here's hoping the day's treating you well and that little claymation dude from the old Dominos Pizza commercials isn't chasing you all around, because man would that suck. Adios!   |
