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Emmitt Smith Let Go in Wake of ALF RumorsCowboys release running back amid puppet gossip March 3, 2003 |
Emmitt Smith, shortly after breaking Walter Payton's rushing record in 2002, gives a thank-you gesture to a special cat-eating friend in the audience (inset).
"Everyone is more than a little curious about his relationship with ALF," said an anonymous Cowboy, dressed as a cowboy. "We're not suggesting there's more to it than it seems, but c'mon—it's weird. If it were that guy from Max Headroom or Morton Downey, Jr., it would be strange, but nobody would really think twice. Is it '80s nostalgia? What's going on there?"
Other...
ports fans were surprised by this week's announcement that Emmitt Smith would not return to the Dallas Cowboys for another season. Cowboys management and affiliates were quick to say Smith's talents were not diminishing, and the prime factor in their consideration was the running back's $9.8 million salary. However, some are pointing a finger to Smith's life off the field as the real cause.
"Everyone is more than a little curious about his relationship with ALF," said an anonymous Cowboy, dressed as a cowboy. "We're not suggesting there's more to it than it seems, but c'mon—it's weird. If it were that guy from Max Headroom or Morton Downey, Jr., it would be strange, but nobody would really think twice. Is it '80s nostalgia? What's going on there?"
Others are also alluding to Emmitt Smith's alleged friendship with '80s celebrity/puppet alien ALF as a trouble spot that turned Cowboys management against him. Smith and the puppet met on the set of a long-distance phone commercial last year and have reportedly been close friends since. Many close acquaintances of both insist the two share an innocent friendship, attending sporting events, barbecues, and enjoying movie rental marathons together; but as a high-profile sports celebrity in a country where human-puppet relationships are under close scrutiny, some say Smith has left too much unsaid for the comfort of many sports fans.
"Everybody's wondering about Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith and 4-foot sitcom hairball ALF!" reported a recent gossip-column we copied word for word. " They claim it's all just fun, but you can't believe everything ALF says! When was the last time you saw a four-time All-Pro and Super Bowl MVP bar-hopping with a cat-eating Muppet? You can forgive our curiosity, I'm sure!"
While some would feel better with clarification from Smith or his felt cohort, others insist it isn't public business.
"Whatever Emmitt and Grover do by themselves is their business," said Cowboy quarterback Quincy Carter. "He's a stand-up guy and one of the best players in the NFL. That thing he hangs out with gives me the creeps, yeah, and I want to punch its face in when it tells me to dial 10-10-321, but none of that makes a difference when you need a first-class running back. They never should have let him go."
In a phone interview, someone claiming to be ALF attempted to set the record straight.
"This is ridiculous, and everyone knows it," said the Melmackian. "Why would anyone sign up for one of those outrageous programs and be obligated to pay premium prices when they could dial 10-10-321 from anywhere and save major bucks on long-distance? All calls for 7 cents a minute, no weird schedules to remember, no hidden charges! That's a lot of money you can save—and that's a lot of cats!"
The phone was suddenly cut off after the sound of a door being broken open, and the heavy sound of punching ensued, leading us to believe Carter had broken in and made good on his threat to punch the puppet's face in. the commune news is the leader in rushing in our building, or perhaps the Russian leader… it's hard to remember. Boner Cunningham covers teens and sports for the commune—if there's ever breaking news on Sport Billy it goes to him without question.
 | Kim Jong Il Claims U.S. Spy Plane Taking Nude PhotosNorth Korean leader accuses U.S. of provoking war, peeping March 3, 2003 |
Seoul, South Korea Snapper McGee South Korean protestors ridicule Kim Jong Il's claim by posting only his head on their signs, to stress how little they want to see his body, even clothed.
Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.
orth Korean leader and Roy Orbison impersonator Kim Jong Il broke the crazy-o-meter this week with claims that U.S. spy planes were provoking war by taking photos of covert military operations and attempting to acquire nude pictures of him in the shower.
Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.
When asked for comment, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer responded: "You want a comment? Come on, people. This is one of those rare instances where you can't possibly expect me to put any spin on the situation. Kim Jong Il certainly has interesting ideas about what our technology is capable of. Just in case he's monitoring our media sources, I will state for the record: This administration has no interest in seeing Mr. Jong Il naked. Under any circumstances, in any setting."
Despite the White House's claims, Kim Jong Il may be able to present proof of his accusations. A search of Google for "chubby Korean man nude shower" revealed quite a number of pictures, any of whom could have been Kim Jong Il.
According to Rodong Sinmun, the voice of the North Korean government, "Americans seek to shame the Korean people and its leader. To see people naked is the only American goal. Elaborate high-tech spy plane will attempt nude picture collection of the great Kim Jong Il, then post him for all to see on billboard Internet, to much laughter, shame, and masturbation. Once Americans feel superior all Koreans will be pictured naked on world wide webs."
Consulted about the accusations, Pentagon officials unequivocally stated the charges were ludicrous.
"Trust me," said Gen. Anvill Poke, "the technology to see people naked, especially through walls, is extremely far off in the future and not a focus of any of our weapons development plans. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm even answering this—what kind of newspaper are you from again? Look, if we had the capability to see through walls and take pictures of people naked why would we go to North Korea? Personally, I'd find the address of that girl from J.A.G. and do a few hundred passes over that house."
University of Tennessee Anthropology professor Kristin Blakebobber described the North Korean mentality: "These people are not all that different from us—they merely lack information about the world outside. To them, a very private and nationalistic people, this seems like a particularly egregious insult by the United States, if proven true. They already believe our country despises theirs for their way of life and would like to destroy them. Given their respect for concealing the body and modesty, Kim Jong Il is using a phobia and an existing mistrust to stir the anti-U.S. sentiment of his entire nation. If they believe his accusations, they will follow him in whatever stance he takes against the Western world."
While it was very interesting information, Blakebobber was asked to leave the office and not barge in while the reporters are working; she was told she would be contacted by us when we wanted a quote, and left without incident. the commune news has to shower in the locker room wearing underwear, and we have a doctor's note to prove it. Raoul Dunkin fucked a pumpkin, now he jacks off o' lanterns… all this according to the bathroom wall.
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 December 8, 2003 A Third Sniper is Still on the Looseby Red Bagel Here's a phrase I've never said before: Good work, police. It goes against everything I stand for at heart and everything the stoner counter-culture who makes up our fanbase believes, but in this particular case, the five-O did their jobs well in apprehending Malvo and Muhammad, the famous snipers of last year. Some have called them the East Coast Killers, but myself, finding it distasteful to so lightly treat the subject of murderers, prefer to call them the Deathmasque.
But I package that compliment with a chiding, for no extra charge. For the snipers, whatever you call them, have only been two-thirds apprehended.
Gasp, if you're inclined. Then close your mouth before the flies take up residence. Bagel shits you not, Americans. A third sniper is out their runn...
º Last Column: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
º more columns
Here's a phrase I've never said before: Good work, police. It goes against everything I stand for at heart and everything the stoner counter-culture who makes up our fanbase believes, but in this particular case, the five-O did their jobs well in apprehending Malvo and Muhammad, the famous snipers of last year. Some have called them the East Coast Killers, but myself, finding it distasteful to so lightly treat the subject of murderers, prefer to call them the Deathmasque.
But I package that compliment with a chiding, for no extra charge. For the snipers, whatever you call them, have only been two-thirds apprehended.
Gasp, if you're inclined. Then close your mouth before the flies take up residence. Bagel shits you not, Americans. A third sniper is out their running around loose, or possibly ambling, I make no bold statement concerning his walking speed. But this third sniper is free still, and if you need any more proof, check out the recent shootings in Ohio. Police may say they're unrelated shootings, but what have the police ever done for us, besides catching the first two snipers?
Who is this sniper? Do I look like the cops to you? Not my job to wildly speculate on the identities of snipers, folks, only to wildly accuse them of being larger in number than they've previously indicated.
I suppose you want to know my source, source-nosers. You would think after all this time I have more than earned your trust. After all, I've delivered pretty amazing information over the years—information so amazing, would I were to hear it for the first time, I certainly would be too agape to ask for proof. But I understand your need for verification—we live in a hard world that demands facts rather than rhetoric.
And this source, if I am at liberty to say, is among the most reliable I've ever consulted. I was reluctant to believe such an outrageous tale as the three-gunman theory, but my source revealed to me such conclusive evidence I could not refute it. Trajectories, shell plating, sight lines—all such confusing forensic jargon I had no choice but believe. One-hundred and ten percent proof two people could not have, under any normal human circumstances, committed those crimes alone.
Not to belabor the point, but when I think about it a little more, I really have earned a little more credit than you're giving me. I announce to you some of the most amazing conspiracy news of our fresh young century and all you want to hear is names, names, names—of sources, sources, sources. Thanks for the credit, he sarcastically remarked. But I think I've made my point.
Anyone examining the current talk of insanity pleas in the Malvo trial, or studying the Muhammad trial transcripts carefully can see (and it doesn't take my pointing out) there is subtle reference to a third individual. The question is: Who is this third individual, and why have the Malvo-Muhammad duo and their lawyers kept silent about it until now?
You know, what does a source really prove? Oh, someone else knows about this information as well. But what does that matter to you, Mr. and Mrs. Middle America, you wouldn't know some D.C.-area librarian from a Hoboken mental patient. A big-time Washington-area insider could mean complete legitimacy to those in the know, but if you don't know him, I could totally make up a name and you wouldn't be able to tell. It just pisses me off. You should know I wouldn't bring you a third-rate source. All this time, all these endless column inches—for what? I could've been writing about the time I diddled that girl from Subway. It certainly wouldn't lessen my credibility, would it? Shams.
Let's suppose, on this one occasion, I might have neglected to get the name and occupation of my source. Roughly translated, forgot to check my facts. Would that kill an otherwise spotless record? I think not. What do you think? Hypothetically. Of course it wouldn't. º Last Column: I Never Promised You a Rose Gardenº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Na-na-na-na-ne-neh-neh-na-neh-neh-neh-neh-va-va-va-va-va-neh-na-neh-neh-va-va-va-va-va-va-va-neh-va-neh-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma—nevermind.”
-Stutterin' Tom TulaneFortune 500 CookieEight is enough: time to face the fact that you're wearing too many cock rings. Try watching where you vomit this week: it never hurts to make a nice first impression. It says here that once word gets out you ate all those locusts, you'll be beloved in Kansas, and unwelcome everywhere else. This week's lucky germs: floor-funk, spazzolycene3, urinalia-hangaroundicus, wheat, Pat Smear.
Try again later.Top Phrases Never Before Spoken| 1. | Do these pants make my cock look too big? | | 2. | That's one hot retard. | | 3. | Sheboygan? That's my kinda town. | | 4. | That movie would have been better with a lot more Ben Affleck. | | 5. | Hot damn, airplane food! | |
|   Great White Pyrotechnics Implicated in Columbia Disaster  BY roland mcshyster 10/27/2003 Hello America, how've you been? Those shingles clearing up all right? Solid. As you might have guessed, we're back for another installment of the column that cares, Entertainment Police. Prepare to have your heart and other tender anatomical portions touched, buffed and spit-shone! If you're like me, you're ready for Hollywood to cough up another weekend's worth of movies, and as usual they haven't disappointed. Meaning they put out some movies, I'm not crazy enough to suggest the movies aren't disappointing. So let's take a gander at the who's, what's, and why's of this weekend's letdown.
In Theaters
In the Cute
Meg Ryan and Mark "Buffalo 66" Ruffalo shed their cute puppy-dog images for thi...
Hello America, how've you been? Those shingles clearing up all right? Solid. As you might have guessed, we're back for another installment of the column that cares, Entertainment Police. Prepare to have your heart and other tender anatomical portions touched, buffed and spit-shone! If you're like me, you're ready for Hollywood to cough up another weekend's worth of movies, and as usual they haven't disappointed. Meaning they put out some movies, I'm not crazy enough to suggest the movies aren't disappointing. So let's take a gander at the who's, what's, and why's of this weekend's letdown.
In Theaters
In the Cute
Meg Ryan and Mark "Buffalo 66" Ruffalo shed their cute puppy-dog images for this light serial killer comedy. Taking the romantic comedy "Will they do it?" conceit a step farther to "Will they do it before the dude cuts her head off?" In the Cute ratchets up the fluffy tension notch by notch with every dismembered corpse and bit of funny first-date hijinks. While the obvious question is "Does it work?" and the obvious answer is "Who kicked your pregnant mother down the stairs, doofus?" the more compelling point to ponder is really "When is the right time to tell the girl you're dating that you're a serial-killing detective madman? Before you meet her parents? Or after the wedding?" Director and athletic sock magnate Kate Champion does an admirable job of keeping the two plates spinning at once, even if it does mean that nothing in the film is ever the slightest bit in focus, figuratively nor in the fuzzy-eyed literal sense.
The Human Stain
I got excited when I first heard this movie was coming out because I thought it was going to be about my brother, since that was his unfortunate nickname in High School. No such luck however, as it's just another potboiler about the extreme inconvenience of a hit-and-run accident. Anthony "Psycho" Hopkins stars as the inattentive driver who spends two hours going from body shop to body shop in a vain attempt to get the weird purple butt-cheek marks out of the hood of his Audi. Extreme tedium can be a powerful motivator, and I doubt anyone will be talking on his or her cell phone while jerking off a transvestite on the way home from the theater after seeing this cautionary tale.
Radio
According to commune fact-machine Griswald Dreck, the radio was actually invented by Italian racecar genius Macaroni Vivaldi, not some retarded black guy from Alabama. As the story goes, Vivaldi got tired of not having any music to listen to while he was driving endlessly in circles, and he thought it also might be fun for when he was racing. So Vivaldi developed the world's first radio, which he installed in the dash of his racecar. A few months later he followed this up with the crucial invention of the world's first radio station, which not-surprisingly played only Vivaldi's favorite Chechnyan oompa music. You'd think this story would be compelling enough to make into a hit movie, but apparently Hollywood thought Cuba Gooding Jr. would have a hard time passing for Italian, so they rewrote Vivaldi's story as Forrest Gump meets Rudy and slopped it onto our plates with a ladle. Sorry Hollywood, but even we're not that stupid.
Scary Movie 3
Looks like the poofs at Merchant Ivory are at it again, trying to deceive the American moviegoing public with yet another misleading movie title. Anyone who went to Howard's End expecting a classy gay porno or walked out of Remains of the Day after a pulse-pounding slasher flick never materialized can feel my pain here. After The Golden Bowl failed to live up to its billing as the second coming of Cheech & Chong, I gave up on these guys for good. Scary Movie 3 is indeed scary, if the thought of paying nine bucks to sit through a long, boring chick flick terrifies you as much as it should. Though if seeing nerds dress up in period costumes and act boring does it for you, and the Renaissance Fair isn't in town, then this should be right up your twisted alley.
The Swinging Detective
Hollywood's latest ploy to squeeze every last drop of spunk out of the lousy turnips they've been producing (spunk's turnip juice, right?) is the highly-dubious practice of releasing the same film twice under two different names. Sometimes they score the doublecross of getting people to pay to see the same film twice (i.e. Jurassic Park and Godzilla or Under Pressure and Vanilla Sky), but the strategy is mainly employed so they can market one film to two wildly different audiences. That's the case here with The Swinging Detective, released simultaneously with In the Cute and raising some suspicions by being exactly the same movie. But while trailers for In the Cute play up the film's grisly serial-killer elements, The Swinging Detective looks like a straight-ahead romantic comedy that just happens to be going on around the same time the cops are trying to find a serial killer who cuts women's heads off and balances them on his shoulders so he can re-enact his favorite scenes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Some might find these marketing tactics deceptive, mainly because they are, but the studio may have hit just the right balance this time around since romantic comedy and serial killer audiences rarely overlap. Plus it's funny to envision the scenario where some guy drags his wife to see In the Cute and she tolerates it so she can drag him to see The Swinging Detective the following weekend, neither of them ever the wiser.
That's all America. Even if there were more movies out this week, we wouldn't have reviewed them, because enough is enough. Knowing when to quit has never been a Hollywood strong point, so the discerning consumer has to know when to yank the gin tap out of their puckered maws and kick the rascals curbward. Join us again next issue when we answer the eternal question: "Yuck! What?"    |
