dispute over the rightful inheritor of the Miss North Carolina crown was settled Thursday when U.S. District Judge James Fox issued the ruling that both competitors were pretty.

Rebekah Revels had won the Miss North Carolina pageant, only to be forced to resign when a letter from her ex-boyfriend claimed he had topless pictures of her. Misty Clymer was chosen as Miss North Carolina afterwards, though Revels sued the pageant for the right to wear the crown. The winner of the lawsuit would go on to represent North Carolina in the Miss American pageant Sept. 21st.

The judge refused to pick one contestant over the other, leaving that to the Miss North Carolina pageant committee. Instead, the judge said in his ruling: "I see what this is really all about, Misty… Rebekah. Girls, you're both pretty. There's no need for all this fighting and competition."

The allegation of a forced resignation was the basis for Revels' case as she claimed the judges had rightfully chosen her to represent North Carolina. Pageant officials felt the nude photos taken by the ex-boyfriend tarnished the crown of the pageant and put dozens of future scholarships and sponsors for the Miss America and Miss North Carolina pageants in jeopardy. These photos, so crucial to the case, could not be obtained despite countless requests to both parties, but nude photos of Alyssa Milano were available on the Internet, as well as a compromising picture of Mandy Moore and two black men, but those pictures could possibly have been Photoshopped.

The case was settled amicably by the judge's declaration of equal prettiness. Miss North Carolina pageant representatives said Misty Clymer would go on to represent North Carolina in the national pageant. But the judge's ruling was a tremendous boost to Clymer's confidence.

"Like all girls, Misty needs a compliment every now and then to keep her going," said pageant representative Vill Gording. "And with all this stress of the case and the high pressure of being in a court setting, you can imagine she was a little down. The judge reminded her she was pretty—she knew it, but still, you like to hear it—and it made her day."

The declaration was also well-received by plaintiff Rebekah Revels and counsel. "Obviously, Ms. Revels is disappointed by the pageant's decision to uphold her resignation," said Revels attorney Wax Musstash. "But my client was more than satisfactorily compensated for her loss by the reassurance she is pretty. That's all she really wanted anyway—the judge was wise to acknowledge that."

"I'm glad that the court system is finally able to get past the frivolous lawsuits to the important stuff," said some smart-ass on the court steps as this reporter attempted to get better quotes from the lawyers involved.

The potential for future disappointments in both contestants' futures being high, the judge issued also his telephone number to both plaintiff and defendant, urging that they should call him sometime soon in the future for private rulings. That may or may not have been true, but this reporter certainly would have been disappointed to find the judge missed out on such an opportunity.

Again, if any informant has laid hands on the photos in question, please contact Ramon Nootles at the commune and we'll talk finder's fee.

onday's People Magazine contained the usual fare of stories and photographs about celebrities, as well as an added attraction that fans of fashion look forward to annually—the list of People's Best and Worst Dressed of the year.

Hollywood favorites Julia Roberts and Halle Berry headed the Best Dressed List, along with up-and-coming stars like Kate Hudson, Kate Beckinsdale, and Reese Witherspoon. Also included was popular actress Nicole Kidman, Ally McBeal's Callista Flockhart, Will & Grace's Debra Messing, and Felicity's Keri Russell.

The upset this year was People's Worst Dressed List, unusually topped by star of yesteryear musician Ray Charles, and followed by Washuka, Wisconsin Wal-Mart associate Edna Applebaum.

Charles, labeled a "fashion disaster" by People Magazine editors, was accused of having no sense of color and wearing suits "from Liberace's garbage can." Among the harshest-critiqued outfits from Charles' closet was a gold lamé jacket worn on a Tonight Show appearance and a red velvet suit Charles wore to a charity event to benefit the homeless.

"You know you're in trouble when you show up to a benefit for the homeless and people are giving the money directly to you," said People editors. "The charity recipients must have been offering to donate their outfits to Ray."

Runner-up to Worst Dressed was Wisconsin housewife Edna Applebaum, breaking the long tradition of choosing listmakers from the celebrity pool.

"Sometimes you just can't let someone slide just because they're not famous at all," People Magazine editors explained. "And Mrs. Applebaum has gotten away with fashion crimes for way too long. With her greeting the shoppers at the Washuka Wal-Mart, you can bet there's one town where K-Mart's clothing sales are through the roof."

Nor are the editors excusing Mrs. Applebaum's age in their evaluation of her fashion.

"Even at 65 Mrs. Applebaum should know better than a pink chiffon babushka for church—God sees all, and it makes Him nauseous. And no matter what generation she lived through, flower-print spandex pants were never in fashion. The Depression must have been all the more depressing when Mrs. Applebaum showed up."

The surprise additions to this year's Worst-Dressed List are part of People's new "take no prisoners" policy toward fashion offenders, and they promise even more merciless criticism next year.

"Let the warning go out to everyone: We see the black socks and red jogging shorts of a certain unemployed 7-11 shopper in Fresno, California, and we'll be making our list and checking you twice. And a note to Stephen Hawking: If you really want to look smart, dump the cardigans and add a couple of Armanis to the closet."

I'm not going to shit you, after the fad orgy of the 1950's any other decade is going to leave a little something to be desired in the fad department, even the go-go 1960's. But that doesn't mean the era of civil rights and dirty young people didn't have its share of fads worthy of posthumous ridicule. And few can get this embarrassing party started like the limbo.

The limbo originated in Trinidad, an island nation famous for its undersized novelty houses. The native people of this isolated island were so cut off from the rest of the world that they only heard of larger global trends and ideas through rumors, passed through a chain of nearby islands like an absurdly drawn-out game of "telephone." Because of this fact Trinidad developed many absurd traditions, including a virulent bias for shortness, which came about in a confused misunderstanding of the greater world's preference for tall individuals.

Trinidadians took to this adopted prejudice with a passion, and before long every native was trying to out-short the others. Trinidadians blessed with impressive squatness would revel in their ability to pass under low tree branches and would cruelly taunt the island's unfortunate taller inhabitants, asking them if would kindly clean out the ceilings of caves with their hair and screaming for them to duck when birds flew by.

Eventually this short one-upsmanship became ingrained in society, and a huge premium was placed on living in shorter and shorter houses. Soon most homes were barely three feet tall, and residents had to enter by leaning way back and waddling forward with bent knees, a practice visitors to the island dubbed "limboing" due to their lack of imagination.

In time, pretending to be shorter than you actually are became something of a sport in Trinidad, and in 1958 national limbo champion Dolores Reyes set a world record by limboing her way into a casket 6 1/8 inches tall before she expired. This feat caught the eye of Hollywood producers, who promptly made the world's first limbo movie in 1960. The grammatically-incorrect "Where the Boys Are?" featured the hottest young milkfed stars of the day limboing under various objects to try and find out where the heck all the boys went. The film was terrible but a huge hit, as teens of the day loved any odd, kitschy behavior and bright jazzy images flickering on the big screen. The trend caught fire and spread to the wider world, and almost instantly people everywhere were hurting themselves trying to limbo.

Meanwhile back in America, superballs were created when scientists at Cornell University were trying to develop bouncy-shoes that would allow them to bound into treetops and peek through the windows of the girls' dormitory showers next door. The shoes were a failure, as the first scientist to try them broke his neck after bouncing through the window of a nearby umbrella factory. But the scientists discovered something interesting while they were throwing the leftover shrapnel from the shoes at each other: It was fun. The ball-shaped fragments were outrageously bouncy, and seemed to have a special knack for gaining speed immediately before they ricocheted right into somebody's eyeball. They also made a hilarious sound when deflected off an unsuspecting skull.

These superballs became a huge hit as toys, gaining initial popularity only because guys wanted to tell girls they had "super balls" but then growing into a national mania as their considerable potential for mayhem was realized. Flinging superballs into cramped men's rooms and running away became a popular hobby, and several hit comedy records were released that featured nothing but the startled screams of superball victims.

Sea Monkeys were the hit pet of the 1960's, which should go a long way toward answering any questions about how much drugs people actually did in the 60's. Discovered gumming up California toy mogul Walter Gallagher's pool after he got back from a six-month peyote binge in Sri Lanka, sea monkeys were originally marketed as food for pet baleen whales. Realizing he was aiming for something of a niche market, once his swimming-pool stock ran out Gallagher changed gears and began selling packets of the tiny brine shrimp as pets for retards and mental patients.

Under Gallagher's original scheme, he sealed the "Sea Monkeys" in little paper packets so that they were cheap to mail, and if anybody complained that they had a bunch of dead brine shrimp floating in their aquarium he'd just tell them that's what "Sea Monkeys" do: float around like they're dead. It was a genius plan, since only a few of the nation's top nerds knew what brine shrimp actually did in the wild. As long as he didn't sell any Sea Monkeys to those guys, Gallagher would be fine.

To his great surprise however, the brine shrimp not only survived the mailing process, but actually seemed to enjoy it, as it imitated the way they are shipped in the wild. Soon, every kid in America had a plastic bowl of fetid tap water sitting on their desk, clouded with a bunch of tiny wet fleas. And fun was had by all. Actually, most kids added Kool-Aid to the water so they'd have psychedelic Sea Monkeys for a few days before they all died, but this was a natural response to being jobbed into thinking they were getting some magical mermaid king and queen pet family when they bought the kit.

The 1960's saw the birth of many other short-lived trends, from granny glasses to glassless glasses and glass underwear. America was also introduced to the skateboard, one of the rare fads you could break your neck enjoying. Tune in for our next installment where we'll further examine America's century-long aversion to wising up. I'm Griswald Dreck, and if you didn't hear it here, it's a load.

º Last Column: Suck an Egg, It's Daylight Saving Time
º more columns