n investigative arm of Congress known only by the shadowy moniker of the General Accounting Office released a report on Tuesday detailing the extensive damage found by the Bush administration upon moving into the White House following Clinton's presidency. The report was requested by Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, who found a badly decomposed mackerel in his suitcase after a recent round of bi-partisan prankery in the House and was as pissed as a Kennedy on St. Patrick's Day.

"When we got here, this place looked like a cross between Animal House and The Money Pit," stated Barr, flaunting his knowledge of house-themed comedy films.

According to the GAO report, Bush administration staffers found a veritable house of horrors upon moving into the White House in January of 2001. Drawers were glued shut, toilets were plugged with cement, and a life-sized wax statue of former president Gerald Ford was found in a compromising position in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Additionally, White House phones with speed-dial buttons marked with innocuous titles like "Pentagon" and "Chinese Food" were programmed to dial 1-900 sex numbers and a dildo wholesaler in Texas. One couch was horribly burnt, another was found floating in the pool and a large block of very old cheese was found beneath a dresser in the Blue Room.

Apparently, vandals had also damaged keyboards by removing all of the "W" keys and had burned a dirty limerick into the carpet of the Vermeil Room as the Clinton administration moved out of the White House last year. An unknown party also made off with a large presidential seal and the presidential mini-fridge, the investigative arm of Congress said on Tuesday.

But the General Accounting Office stopped short of making its own estimate of the extent of the damage reported by aides of Republican President Bush after they moved into the White House a year and a half ago, instead giving the White House a vague "shithole" rating.

It was not clear how much of the reported damage was intentional, or who was responsible for writing lyrics to songs by The Doors on multiple walls in neon-colored markers. It's difficult to assess how much of the repair money would have had to be spent anyway as part of the usual nightmarish presidential transition, the GAO said.

"Who the fuck knows, man?" GAO staffer Larry Worthram said of the damages. "They should just be happy the damn place is still standing, you know? I heard about some wild shit going on here, you know what I'm sayin'? Good times, man, good times. And it's all cool, you know, but I for one wouldn't try to reuse any of the bedding in there. But that's just me."

The report noted Bush administration estimates that it had cost some $14,000 to get West Wing of the White House and adjacent Eisenhower Executive Office Building into shape and to remove the smell of stale gym socks and leftover pizza after the Bush team moved in.

Barr requested the report from the GAO last year after he heard the touching story of a female Bush staffer who was injured when she tripped over a beer bong while the new administration was moving in on Jan. 20, 2001.

"Apparently those Clinton boys were a real group of party guys, some real fun lovers," Barr said of the report. "Assholes." Clinton's office in New York had no comment on the GAO document or Barr's big, blubbery butt.

The GAO recommended a "check-out" process for departing presidential staff in the future that includes detailed cleaning instructions and a 30-point checklist involving the mandatory cleaning of mini-blinds and conditions under which the departing president will be charged for carpet cleaning expenses. The checklist will have to be filled out in triplicate and signed by the departing president, under penalty of forfeiture of the White House security deposit.

The GAO report also noted that there had been damage observed during previous presidential transitions. Two people told the GAO that the damage Clinton's team found in 1993, when Bush's father had just moved out, was even worse than in 2001, and that they'd never seen so many used condoms in their whole entire lives.

fearful nation was relieved at the end of an 8-hour period in which President George W. Bush was left home alone in the White House. According to White House sources, though the potential for harm to the president, the nation, and the house itself was great, the president's 8-hour unsupervised period ended without incident.

It started as an evacuation of the White House after a lost pilot, flying a private Cessna, flew through White House airspace. Heightened precautions called for the White House staff and administration to leave the building until the potential threat was abated, and somehow in the confusion, the president was left unsupervised.

"I thought [secret service operative] Larry had him, Larry thought I had him," said secret service operative Todd Henry. "I guess the little bugger got away from us. It happens."

When it was discovered everyone had vacated the White House except for the president, secret service commander Dick Gautier immediately ordered agents to return for the president. It was upon their return they found the White House doors locked and the windows sealed shut.

"It's not uncommon for the president to lock us out of rooms inside the White House," admitted Gautier. "Either intentionally or by lack of understanding of the door locking mechanism. But this was the first time the entire secret service, indeed everyone in the White House, had been locked outside with the president inside."

White House officials took quick steps to keep the information silent, but White House press had already noticed the president missing from his outside emergency pen and suspected something was amiss. commune correspondent Lil Duncan broke the story with privileged information obtained from some masculine insider source who allegedly resembles Richard Grieco. With little other recourse, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer informed the press.

"At this time, the president is believed to be alone in the White House," said Fleischer, refusing to take any questions. "He will not come to the door and does not answer the phone, but it is possible he can't hear us knocking or ringing. Keep in mind, it is a big house. We suspect right now he is watching TV in the presidential den."

Initially the secret service offered no explanation if the president had been left inside by someone locking the door on their way out or if the president had locked the doors and windows himself intentionally. The president could be seen walking briefly past an east side window, pausing, holding a hand up to his ear, and shrugging his shoulders before leaving view, a beer in his hand.

The anxious waiting ended at 7:25 p.m. when a secret service agent returned from home with a wire coathanger. The back door of the White House was then jimmied open and the secret service led the return into the house. The president was found playing Grand Theft Auto 3 in the presidential game room, apparently oblivious to the evacuation.

An angry nation will no doubt demand attention to this situation for weeks to come, as long as the networks are showing repeats. It is expected that secret service and other government agencies will take steps to prevent the president being left unsupervised in the future. There is talk of hiding an extra key to the White House somewhere on the grounds, though for the sake of national security no one is saying where. the commune has it on good information that on top of a high window shudder or taped under the mailbox are leading good secret key spots as of press time.

The foreskin: Nature's "Mr. Touchy." Nobody denies the role of the foreskin in making sex even more sensitive than it otherwise would be. Some scientists, like my former roommate Bill Gottlieb, estimate that without the foreskin sex loses between 5 and 95% of its sensation. That's a lot of sensitivity!

No wonder M.A.R.S. wants so many foreskins. Not Mars, the planet, of course, let's not be ridiculous; I mean M.A.R.S., the Militant Alien Researchers of Sexuality, made up primarily of Neptunians. Everyone knows the Martians haven't been active in universal events since the 1960s, being a race near extinction. Forgive my spelling of Mars instead of M.A.R.S. in the headline, but I know how it is—you mention Mars, everybody jumps to attention; you mention Neptune, people are trampling each other in an effort to get away from boredom city.

But this involves foreskins, people—the abduction of them, no less. Maybe the Neptunians aren't as boring as you thought, hmm?

The part of the story you were never told starts back in the 1930s, when plucky environmentalists, then called "Earthtotalers," lobbied on behalf of the ecology to keep foreskins from just being thrown out the window once they were circumcised. Apparently, besides the nasty habit of them falling on proper ladies who just happen to walk by hospitals, the high oil content of foreskins turned out to be causing major environmental problems. Between you and me, I think it has more to do with prohibition of the time. After all, you're paying $45 for a beer and a foreskin lands in it, well, your whole day is just pissed away. But the Earthtotalers claimed some major ecological issue and got Congress involved, and before too long doctors had to dispose of severed foreskins like mechanics dispose of oil. Which pissed off our invisible friends, the Neptunians.

Neptunians benefited heavily from the excess foreskins thrown callously away since as early as circumcisions began. Interestingly enough, circumcisions are not the product of aliens, a nice change from most history, but the second-largest cause is behind it: Two guys drinking quite a lot. Lebzahamus and Eprudimus, two early Babylonians, were drinking quite a lot as was their custom to forget their awful names, when Eprudimus bet the other he couldn't chop the end of his dick off before Lebzahamus could pull it away. Eprudimus won, but was so envious of the sharp new look Lebzahamus had that he decided to cut off his own foreskin. Both awoke sober the next morning and horrified at what they had done, but not before a disgusting new trend had caught on.

Over the years, strangely, nobody wondered where those foreskins had disappeared to when causally tossed away. Neptunians, is the short answer. Given their limited sexual performance, Neptunians were desperate for any sort of enhancement they could get, so human penial foreskins became a popular aphrodisiac for their people. There was enough of a decline in the availability of foreskins when humans realized in the twentieth century, "Hey, what the fuck are we doing chopping our dicks off?" But then with the advent of medical waste disposal, the market for foreskins on Neptune became extremely endangered. In fact, things are so bad now that the future of the Neptune race is in jeopardy. If that sounds a little extreme, you've obviously never made love to a Neptunian woman without the aid of a foreskin aphrodisiac.

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