erhaps the biggest surprise of the otherwise lackluster 2002 NFL draft was the Philadelphia Eagles' third-round choice of actress Jennifer Aniston, who co-stars as Rachel Green on the hit NBC sit-com Friends." Ms. Aniston had appeared on virtually none of the depth charts around the league prior to the draft, including the Eagles' own charts. That oversight was apparently not enough to stop the Philly club from taking the lovely actress with the 87th pick in the third round Saturday.

Player personnel assistant Weeb Tittle discussed the choice with reporters. "We've always liked her here, we just think she's a fabulous talent. We especially liked her roles in the movies Office Space and Rock Star, where she really held her own going up against the dynamic Mark Wahlberg."

Tittle went on to give a few clues as to the reasoning behind the controversial choice. "First of all, we looked at lots of film. Hours and hours of film. Of all the Friends, we thought she was far and away the most macho, the one that exhibited the most pure testosterone. The guys on that show must all be on estrogen treatments or something. I mean, take David Schwimmer, for instance. That guy is just a whiny wienie, a total wuss. Can you imagine asking him to blitz? He'd probably start crying. Matthew Perry, sheesh, that guy does more coke than the president. We don't need that on this team, we've had our share of cokeheads here in the past. And Matt LeBlanc... did you see that movie he made with the chimpanzee? He made that chimp look like a rocket scientist, like that guy, what's his name, Norman Einstein. No thank you."

"Lisa Kudrow, now," Tittle continued, "we gave her some thought, but we were afraid that her sister, the gal that played Ursula the waitress on Mad About You might want to be included in some kind of a package deal, and we didn't want that. And Courteney Cox-Arquette got some serious consideration, because we think she could probably kick some major ass, but do you know how difficult it would be to get 'Cox-Arquette' across the back of a jersey? Besides, no one can stand David Arquette, her husband. Have you seen that guy? He's almost as annoying as Carrot Top."

Asked what position they envisioned the rather-small-by-NFL-standards Aniston playing, Tittle mused, "Well, the offensive coordinator thinks she's a natural Tight End, and I tend to agree with him on that. But we both want to see what she can do with the pump fake, and how she handles play action. And our Quarterback, Donovan McNabb, would love to see her line up at center, but not if we're going to use the Shotgun formation. We also think she might be good at covering receivers, and we're all anxious to see her go up the middle. Of course it goes without saying that most of the guys are excited about getting a few one-on-one drills with her, and seeing her take that post-game shower, too."

"All in all," he concluded, "we think she'll be a big draw here, and will help put people in the stands. And that's what it's all about, isn't it? I mean that and winning games."

Tittle dismissed as simply a "publicity ploy" and "copycatting" the subsequent sixth-round drafting of actress Jane Leeves, who portrays Daphne Moon on NBC's long-running series Frasier, by the Seattle Seahawks."What's up with that?" Tittle wondered, his voice filled with scorn. "I mean, she's British, isn't she? Football to her means soccer. Those guys don't have a clue. I used to respect Coach Holmgren and his organization out there, but a move like that, well, that's just silly."

daring pre-dawn raid on ADVO national headquarters, concluding a joint investigation between the FBI and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, has resulted in the discovery of thousands of missing children this week. Americans from all walks of life have responded, in unison, (kind of like in Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall, except they’re not all little English kids) “Holy shit? Really. Wait, what’s ADVO?�

ADVO, Inc., the nation’s largest full-service targeted direct mail marketing services company with annual revenues of over $1 billion, is best-known (and by that we mean among people who can tell the difference between different targeted direct mail marketing services companies, so like four people in Iowa maybe and probably your dad) for its partnership with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children. Together, ADVO and the NCMEC have mailed “Have You Seen Me?�® cards weekly to over 79 million American households and nearly a dozen people who are having their mail forwarded to Canada.

ADVO began its partnership in 1985, and in the seventeen years since over 100 missing children have been returned to their forgetful parents after being featured on the ubiquitous “Have You Seen Me?�® cards. Until very recently, the rest were all thought to be lost to the sands of time, or baked in a witch’s cake or something. But in fact most have been working at ADVO mail processing centers around the country the entire time, living in military-style barracks and not getting any kind of chocolate milk whatsoever. Twenty ADVO centers have been operating solely on missing-child labor since 1985, distributing both Super Coups™ mailers and, ironically, the “Have You Seen Me?�® cards themselves.

“In retrospect, it should have been obvious,� said Mark Schroeter, head of the FBI’s investigation for the last ten years. “I mean, duh!� Schroeter continued, violently smacking himself on the forehead. “What a fuckin’ dipshit move! I’m so fucking stupid! Stupid!� Schroeter carried on further, attempting to kick himself in the ass before losing his balance and falling into a stack of phonebooks.

“This is JUST like the time those jewel thieves hid in my trunk and I unknowingly transported them away from the crime scene and to eventual freedom. Way to go, dumbass! You fucking gimp, how’d they ever let you into the Bureau? You couldn’t find a white guy at a boat show! Gaaaaaaaaaawwwd!� Schroeter said as he stomped up and down and threw his government ID into a nearby tree.

“We’re looking for these kids in fucking Guam and the whole time ADVO is just scooping them up off the streets and putting them to work in the mail processing centers. Shit do we look dumb. Way to go, guy, that was sure some tax money well spent, you dickless wonder. We practically printed them up a license to steal. Or kidnap, or whatever. You know what I mean. Do I just have total shit for brains, or what? You shouldn’t even be interviewing me. I’ll probably fuck up your newspaper somehow.�

A dramatic scene had unfolded that morning as ADVO head Scranton McNally was led away in handcuffs by FBI agents, pausing briefly before cameras to snarl “And I would have got away with it, too, if it weren’t fo-� before he was cut off by Agent Schroeter, who stormed through the middle of the scene, shouting: “Fucking lousy cop coming through! Make room for the imbecile! Everyone gather round, have your picture taken with the amazing asshead! Come on, kick me in the nuts while I can still feel it!�

Thousands of relieved parents who had been flown in from around the country for photo-ops stood teary eyed through the mass reuniting, then spontaneously broke into the chorus of “Teach Your Children Well� before being interrupted repeatedly by sounds of a tussle as Agent Schroeter attempted to run himself over with an FBI van.

Hello, fan of Boris. Is welcome to column.

Now you are wondering, I know, when is Boris to do something large? So tired of just reading that Boris live in America and watch for naked persons with binogulars. But no more time to be tired, reading friend! Because Boris spend exciting weekend outside of apartment and with Metallica.

Metallica is loud thing with angry persons and smoke, very fun. Is sort of like musics, if musics was like when Louis hits funny bone or finds out Boris is wearing all of Louis clean underwears. But is not so scary like this since Metallica is angry at all persons, not just Boris.

You are to wonder how Boris goes to such a thing, since Louis is not friend of Metallica? Of course, is true. Louis only likes person who is Herbie Hancock and makes strange robots music. Boris does watch robot music movie one time where there is pants walking in closet and bird made of lamps. Boris first thinking is nightmare, but no! Louis remember this too. So strange. Talk about so many scary things, Boris cannot even hide in closet from such music because closet is full of dancing pants.

So no, robots cannot come to Metallica because they are made of metals. Is like magnet thing, bad mess for robots. But Louis friend Marco is big friend of Metallica and plus is made of normal persons materials. So Marco friend does bring Boris to thing. Hooray for Boris!

Funny part is Marco going to this thing for selling special bags of weeds to persons. Is Boris hip to this? Of course. Not to be silly, Boris does watch Similar to Skippy eat the lawn grass and then him decides to undo eating of grass by hobby of barfing. Is okay hobby if you are dog, trust Boris and dog doctor. But this is thing for persons to do as well? What crazy cartoon secrets Boris does not know! Is strange, but Boris and his hips does understand this.

Marco want to keep weeds in Boris fanny of pack when going to Metallica, so them does not get killed by sunlight. Oh, good idea. Boris does not know of such ways to keep weeds happy since only experience is stepping on weeds to hurt them. Is called yardwork.

So Marco and Boris goes to Metallica thing and have much screaming fun. Metallica persons is screaming, not Boris anymore after Marco explain that persons is not yelling at Boris. This makes thing much more fun. There is bombs that blow up and Metallica is killing everyone, very funny.

But first before Metallica there is other things, like Mudhen and Abraham Lincoln. These are other persons to yell at Boris so Metallica does not get tired all the time. Is smart. Also is persons called Pimp Biscuit who acts funny and sounds like breakfast.

Plus there is much smoke from bombs and cigarettes, this is fun thing like forests fire. All smoke makes Boris so sleepy but keeps lungs warm, is good.

Do not tell Marco, but Boris thinks best part is naked girls. All over place, girls is getting naked to show they like Metallicas. At first Boris thinks he is fallen asleep, but Marco sees these girls too. All dancing and saying goodbye to shirts, and then putting shirts back on. Naked girls cannot decide. Boris takes off shirt as well, to show that he says yes to Metallica, but persons says Boris is too white like doughboy to hurt their eyes. So Boris puts on shirt again but is still saying yes to Metallica with clothes on.

Is such good time Boris knows why persons joins the Armies, to do this thing all the time with bombs and naked persons. Hooray for this thing!

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